Lesson 4: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist

Lesson:

The US field of sexology was built on the bodies of enslaved Africans and indigenous people. You are not allowed to ever forget this.

Life Lesson:

Because so many others will forget, happily. They will forget and that erasure will seep into the work they do and it will continue to erase the humanity and needs of those who are most in pain, most under-resourced, most oppressed. You want nothing to do with that as your liberation is not rooted in the oppression of others.

Your sense of liberation is rooted in so many interconnected things and people and spaces. Oppression has no place. It will seem like a majority of your life's work will be in reminding folks of the fucked up ways this country has hurt and injured and built upon our bodies. That the least folks could do is take a moment, a breath, a thought, to let this soak in before making a move. There is healing in that work. There is also more pain. You decide how much you can endure and that is enough because your goal is to not forget and to act with integrity and humanity.

This will show in the work you do, the responses you make, the creations you build, the community that welcomes you, and the ways you use your body, voice. When others begin to remind folks of this reality and history, your work is still not done! There is space for everyone's reminders. There is space to push selective knowledge in a space that will not isolate or bring more pain.

And there will always be your work, because you've chosen to be transparent in your unlearning process. You work will be a part of a much larger movement and voice. Don't forget what you've said or written or done, even when others may. Sometimes they don't mean to, sometimes they don't have the same access, sometimes they didn't do the work to get there, sometimes they just don't know yet. Your work will always be here.

See what you've written:

An Open Letter to White People in the Sex/uality/Sexology Field

For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com

Lesson 3: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist

Lesson:

Your unlearning and learning process will be lifelong.

Life Lesson:

Yeah, folks say this all the time in some variiation, but what they don't say is that you won't be just learning new things, but you will be unlearning a majority of the white supremacist, colonizing, oppressive, and hurtful stuff the field in the US was built upon. Being trained by only racially white people in school, clinical settings, non-profit spaces, will be parts of your training. You do not have to hold on to all they teach you. Most of it is incorrect and wrong anyway. Especially the cultural parts.

Plus, things will change anyway. Language is alive, it will change and this you will learn. You will learn about new findings, new ways the body can heal, new forms of medication and prevention. But you will also have to unlearn all the ways you were told the body usually works. Those forms of training are cissexist, heterosexist, and guesses at best! You will learn folks bodies are not the same, no matter how much folks with MDs and PhDs say they are, and young people will lead this!

The unlearning is something that has been done in secret, a form of shame and embarrassment. But having survived more shame and embarrassment than other folks wish to even understand, you will know that sharing this unlearning process is imperative. Doing this publicly will be healing for you and others. It will be a good example of what is wrong with the field. It will help others come to understand their unlearning process. It will open you up to building connections and networks with folks who holding onto those ideas would push away and keep you isolated.

It will become a part of your integrity.

Unlearning is mostly uncomfortable, but it doesn't have to be painful. It won't be if you see it as a gift, a healing, a necessity. It is also collective and you are not doing it alone no matter how often it feels that way. Sometimes unlearning is the only option.

For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com 

Lesson 2: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist

Lesson:

You will be in love again, and again, and again.

Life Lesson:

The "love" you will know will shift and change. It will be a love of life, work, career, knowledge, people, expansion, community, lovers, body, family, emotion, movement, spirit, expression, health, it will be so layered and complex. You will learn about love through your work as a sexologist. These lessons will be unlike any other person may learn in any other field. Sometimes only other folks in the sexology and sex work field may understand. Sometimes they will be yours to keep to and for yourself. Sometimes folks will not ever understand, but that doesn't make the lesson or the love any less important or valid or transformative.

Sometimes it may feel lonely. Remember you are surrounded by love, so that loneliness is about holding onto something that is not a reality for you, but a reality for someone else. You will teach others about this love the way your body moves, the way you feed yourself, the way you divest in things that do not bring you what you need and desire, the way you invest in people and things and spaces. You will have all you need.

And when you find the partner you will be with for the remainder of this life's work it will be a challenge. A constant struggle. One that is rooted in the deepest forms of compassion and intimacy that will test you in ways that hurt, ache, vibrate you to your core. It will all be worth it each step of the way. You will find support that will bring you to tears, bring you to your knees, make you question your existence. And each time you will be surrounded by love, touched with loving hands and spirit. This is where you need to be.

Lean into the love as your Irish lookout tells you each time you call her hysterical and speaking in dolphin. The love is there to lean on.

Look at what you've written on this subject:

How Do You Discuss The Multiple Layers of Love?  (February 2010)
Preparing for 'the talk' with your Child (February 2010)

For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com

Lesson 1: Lessons Learned As A LatiNegra Sexologist

Lesson:

It will be rare when folks will pay you what you are worth to do a workshop, presentation, share original research, or hire you in general. 

Life Lesson:

You get to decide how much you are willing to accept. You get to decide to say "yes" or say "no" or say "please find more funds and get back to me." You are worthy of what you produce and share. You decide who you will do a workshop/presentation/lecture/etc. for a lower fee based on your values. This will be different for everyone in the field.

Some of the most funds will come from academic spaces as they are run like businesses. If you wish to reach people of Color your fee may have to decrease as many organizations reaching out to us have limited funds (see white supremacy for reasons around this).

When you do accept a position, do your best work each time, regardless of the amount. It is your reputation, life's work, and often the spaces paying the least amount of money need you the most. If you have time to, always write a personal thank you card to the hosts of the event.

You are worthy. The work you do is important and needed.

For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com 

30 Things I've Learned As A LatiNegra Sexologist

A series for Latinx Heritage Month (Sept 15-Oct 15)

I'll be posting some things I've learned over the 18 years I've been in the sexology and sex/uality field. Some of them will be joyous and abundant. Others will not be. They will all be true and based on my personal experiences in the US and when I've gone abroad.

#LatiNegraSexologist

#WOCSexologist

Review: Healthy Hoohoo

I grew up in a time when douching was losing some appeal. My parents were hippies, but my mom's socialization as a woman with a vulva stayed with her. The ideas that our bodies are not attractive if they look or smell a particular way lead her to douching, but not for long.

Never was I raised with the impression that I need to douche. I was always told that warm water and fragrance-free soap would get any odor or discomfort I felt about my vulva taken care of quickly and comfortably.

Today is a new day. I've grown more into my own body and am understanding sometimes why folks choose douching as an option. I've not been attractive enough to that choice, especially after the cancerous cells on my cervix in 2012 and 2013 treatment, but I understand how our bodies change and how some options are more appeal and accessible than others.

Enter Healthy Hoohoo. I was not fully sure about this product, for myself or others. So this review is just about my experience. I want to make that clear because each body and vulva is different. Folks may have similar or very different experiences. Those could be better or less than exceptional from my own experience. Just keep this in mind when considering trying this product.

I found Healthy Hoohoo very useful for beach weather and my long days with a fun evening end. After Hurricane Sandy, many of NYC beaches are coming back to life, however not all have the same facilities we may be used to such as bathrooms that are well lit, access to clean water to shower, and ways to get sand off your body and out of your body when you are leaving.

I love the beach, it is my spiritual safe place. What better way to drown (literally and figuratively) the woos and concerns that bring me down than to head to a place that reminds me with every grain of sand and the epic vastness of the ocean that I am just a small speck of life on a brilliant universe. It really is calming. But the sand in all the sweet spots is not calming!

My Healthy Hoohoo wipes came in handy in those situations. I don't want to sit in a wet swimsuit as I ride the train back home, which could be over an hour depending on where we go! I always pack a change of bottoms with me and a pantyliner. The Healthy Hoohoo wipes helped with cleanup and any fears I may have had about having sand and seaweed in or around my vulva. I used the Feminine wipes and took those with me to the beach.

The feminine wipes come in a small blue packaging that has an adhesive opening and closure to keep the wipes clean and moist. They also have a foam and body wash available as well. The foam comes in a pump and expels as a foam (think how some hand soap dispensers work). Healthy Hoohoo is scent free, pH balanced, free of any parabens, alcohol free, and tested on folks with vulvas and not animals.

The wipes also come in handy when I want to freshen up for a date I may have even if I'm out most of the day. I'm the type that produces a lot of vaginal fluid and lubrication. This is common for my body. Other vulvas do not produce as much fluid as I do and others may produce more. Those of us who produce similar or more know the challenge of keeping panties from getting stained, so wearing pantyliners daily is a thing for me. No going commando for me!

I share that to let folks know that if you are uncomfortable about the fluid you produce and the amount, you are not alone and it is not uncommon! Throughout the day I can produce various amounts of fluid. If I see an attractive person on and talk with them, I could produce fluid, if I think about what I may be doing later that night, more fluid; I get an email from my partners, more fluid; I giggle or laugh or sneeze and I may dispel a little bit of urine (do some Kegel exercises to limit this) all of these are common experiences for me and Healthy Hoohoo helps with these experiences.

If you are looking to purchase and try Healthy Hoohoo consider their product finder by zip code. As this is a new product it may not be available in all locations you usually purchase feminine products. Consider also ordering online. The feminine wipes I used have 10 wipes in them for under $5. Foam and feminine wash are a bit under $15. If you try this product share what your experiences and thoughts were in the comments!

Review: Barriers to Love: Embracing A Bisexual Identity

It is not often that books about and by bisexual identified people are published. Perhaps we get a few essays into an anthology, but rarely do we have access to the lived experiences of those who identify as bisexual throughout their lives.

Marina Peralta, a Mexican psychotherapist and dancer, has written her own testimonio in Barriers to Love: Embracing A Bisexual Identity (Barriers Press, 2013). Born and raised in Mexico City, we follow Marina as she shares her journey to understanding her own sexual needs, pleasures, and identity.

The book is written in English and the Spanish dialogue and phrases are translated. Just under 200 pages, the book is accessible and the story is shared in a writing style that is reminiscent of a novel. This made the book an enjoyable read and one that was actually very quick to complete. I found myself being challenged by much of what Marina had shared, considering how my own ideas and beliefs may be built upon stereotypes, even as a bisexual Puerto Rican who now identifies more fully as pansexual.

For example, this book shares Marina's childhood sexual abuse and early sex play. Much of the childhood sex play I find common and ones that I identified with myself. I have had my share of childhood sexual play and memories. They type of play that is curious and exploratory but innocent and honest as children often are at young ages. What was a challenge for me was the connections I feared some may make with childhood sexual abuse and play, linking them to bisexual identity. We see this happen all too often among folks in the sex work or trade, those who are outside of the heterosexual classifications, and among people of Color in general (see teen pregnancy rates, STI rates, and the like for these connections academics and researchers make all too often about us).

I appreciate Marina's ability to demonstrate her agency within constraints as she explored and became more of herself as she grew and aged. We read about her as a young 12 year old girl who makes choices about her own desires and sexual pleasure, some that may include others and some that may not. We come to understand how she craved a life that would fill her with adventure, love, affirmation, and security. A story many of us a familiar with and desire for ourselves.

Most complicated was her experience being raised by a single mother after her very affluent father was murdered. Her relationship with her mother shifts, as many do, as she ages and becomes a teenager and young woman. We understand how her witnessing her mother's goals to care for her children resulted in some decisions that left Marina feeling isolated or ignored by her mother, but understand her as a complicated woman, very layered, and who cared very deeply for her children.

Following Marina's live through marriage, bearing and parenting a child, and moving to the US is just as engaging and striking as the beginning of her text. Her sharing of the challenges that come with being a parent, dating as a single parent, co-parenting with a man, and finding a life that fills her with joy are honest. This is another aspect of Mexican and Latina women's lives we still do not hear, yet many of us know or are women in similar situations.

There were moments in the earlier part of the text that I thought to myself: this is what all of that early anthropological research by academics who are outsiders wrote about. Meaning much of the work we now understand as connected to ideas of machismo and marianismo, which were often erroneous and misunderstood ideas that were made unique to Mexicans and Latinos today. I began to see how our experiences could still be classified as fitting neatly into those categories they create for us, when we don't see ourselves in those spaces at all!

The book is available for purchase online in many different places. Consider supporting your local independent bookstore first to purchase. There is an e-book version as well if cost is a concern as those texts are often less expensive.

I'm looking forward to hearing the narratives of those who complicate our ideas of heterosexuality, bisexuality, and who push us in new an exciting ways. I hope ya'll are there to enjoy the journey too.