#FemmesOver35 Represent!

This is a historical and archival piece to document the evolution of the #FemmesOver35

I never thought I'd be someone who would find a hashtag important, yet the past several years I've seen how hashtags are a new form of media making and community. As an educator for the past 20 years, I've been excited to learn what youth have to share and to swap the expected roles in the classroom.

As I learn the new apps like Snapchat, Instagram, Periscope, and the new updates/layout for Tumblr, it's femmes of color who have shown me the way to practice and stay connected. It was from the use of the #FemmesOfColorVisibility on IG (Instagram) that I began to explore more what was possible in this space that seemed much like what early Tumblr set out to create: a microblogging space centered on images.

Most of the summer of 2015 I spent with two femmes of color: Bilen and Leah. We decided we would try to meet weekly for Femmes Over 35 dates in the city. It's a new kind of struggle to be single (as two of us were), media makers, queer femmes of color, working class, and children of immigrants, and building a life as an aging femme who doesn't have strong health insurance, money saved, or a skill/craft which folks will pay us what we are worth.

I find myself in this odd space of being an aging femme, a femme elder in many of our circles. At a time when our femme elders do not live beyond 40, die of preventable cancers like cervical cancer, are murdered, who do we have to seek support and advice from? How do we build community with elders if they are not surviving? I needed to change that because I realized in my 20s I never considered needing to see aging femmes of color. It never occurred to me that I would miss us, that I could imagine a life after 30, it seemed so far away. And now, here I am over 35, almost 40, and I don't see much of us.

When I first used the #FemmesOver35 hashtag it was June 23, 2015, the evening that Janet Mock received the inaugural José Estaban Muñoz Award from CLAGS: The Center for LGBTQ Studies at CUNY (of which I amon the board). I had attended the event with my homegirl Bilen. We were shy as we ate cheese and crackers figuring out when a good time to take a selfie with Janet Mock would emerge. As we walked to the subway together, Bilen and I shared our adoration of the evening.

And then this happened tonight #femmesofcolorvisibility #FemmesOver35

A photo posted by Bi (@latinegrasexologist) on Jun 23, 2015 at 6:07pm PDT

When I posted the image of the three of us on IG and wrote "And then this happened tonight. #femmesofcolorvisibility #femmesover35" it began. Almost every post since then I've shared has included this hashtag. I added this hashtag during a time when I had been broken by an ex, not heartbroken, not in pain, but fully and completely broken. Every part of what I knew about myself had been cracked, shattered, and displaced. Documenting my life was part of a larger process of coming back to myself. It is still a process. During that process I thought a lot about what I could do to make the pain end permanently. I didn't have a plan, but I did have that option on the table as one choice. Some may say all the other options are better than a permanent one, and that may work for some. But when you are lonely, and I mean nobody is coming over to see you because you live so far away, or all your friends are at that mid-level career step up to senior that they are working their tails off so they can't caretake or talk, and hungry for affection and touch, someone to help remind you those pieces of you that feel so tender and sharp; they mean you are still alive right now. To feel this way is to feel alive at times.

That's what I tell myself. Sometimes I believe it more often than others. Other times I know it to be true through and through. Each foto that i post that uses the hashtag is one that I say to the world "Today I chose to be here and live this life."

Since then there have been 105 posts from mostly my femme of color community: Bilen, Amita, and Laura Luna. The fotos have more femmes of color in them like Jess, Cherry, Leah, my mom, Mollena, Trina, and the folks who we spend our time loving.

The hashtag is unapologetically queer, femme, of color, over 35, sexy, fly, brilliant, fat, strong, courageous, fantastic, and challenging all the stereotypes about what and how #femmesover35 look, feel, and live. We are shape shifters, we are survivors, we are community, we are aging, and we are here.

Maybe some media outlet will cover the hashtag, maybe not. That's not the goal in making our own media. I post this so folks know what to look for and how to find us. It's important to know we exist, we are seen, and we are affirmed. Maybe when the hashtage gets over a thousand fotos folks begin to pay more attention, until then I know my femme of color community is watching and posting! We made this what we need it to be.

#FemmesOver35 Represent!

We're Still Blaming The Victim?

cross posted from my media justice column

There’s been a lot of virtual attention towards a young 14 year-old Black woman from Alabama who was videotaped providing oral sex to her ex-boyfriend at their high school. As a Maryland native, this story being centered in Baltimore, hits home and remains enraging. Before I share more about this event, I want to share that two of the young men who participated in creating this video (which the young woman did NOT consent to) and then posted to the internets, have been arrested and the young woman has reportedly changed schools.

The young woman involved (and I’m purposefully not mentioning her name for many reasons, one she’s a minor, two she doesn’t need do a search and find this post about her, and three, it’s not important at this time) did not consent to having the video of her actions posted on the web. It’s unclear if she even consented to having the encounter videotaped, but what is clear is she is hurting, harassed, threatened, targeted, taunted, and isolated. To my knowledge the video is no longer available where it was originally posted (and I did not go searching for the video), however, some news outlets do have the video and use it when reporting on the story and blur out the images. In addition, one online site asked their readers (about 10,000 responded) if they would watch the video and 75% said they would! Unfortunately, there is still an interest in watching this encounter. Lots of conversations around cyber-bullying child pornography, and even sexting have emerged.

Youth responses
I have a love hate relationship with social media and situations such as this is one of those reasons. This is also a reason why some folks are against Net Neutrality (something I’ve encouraged us to consider and even support). Now, opponents of net neutrality would tell me there must be more of a social responsibility and accountability of some of these online spaces that host user content. I don’t think this is such a negative thing, however, how this is implemented is essential to understand and examine.

What I have seen are many youth responding to this situation in specific ways. There are folks who are clearly in support of the younsg woman and asking folks to stop harassing andbullying her. Then there are youth who are creating media of their own and posting it about the young woman (and no I’m not linking to any of them on purpose). Part of the cyber-bullying this young Black woman is experiencing is videos made of her, people reacting to watching the video, several young men (many of Color) creating raps, her first and last name becoming a verb, songs about the young woman, and even adults blaming her for her actions saying “she knew what would happen” and “she chose to perform this act.”

It troubles me because we still are in a society where people are UNCLEAR about what consent includes, what it means to obtain consent from someone, and what it means to violate someone and not obtain consent. I find it troubling that adults are blaming this young woman for experiencing bullying, threats, isolation because of her choice to perform oral sex. This sends many messages, one which is shaming of young women, women of Color in being sexual. Shaming folks has rarely ever had positive outcomes for all people involved, including especially the person it is targeted towards. People think they may be “helping,” or “just sharing their opinion,” or “stating the facts,” when in fact they are essentially rape apologists claiming “she asked for it” and “it’s her fault she is being treated” poorly. These are the same things we hear from people who blame victims and survivors of rape and sexual assault.

Sexting
I know that many of you don’t even think of sexting, instead maybe you think of seeing or sending naked pictures to other folks in your cell phone. Well, the legal term for that which older folks (who also participate in this activity) have come up for is sexting. I’ve shared some of the historical background that is connected to the legislation of sexting and how it is a crime before. I want to be clear that if you or someone you know is under 18 years old and things like this come into your cell phone/handheld device this will be considered a crime. If you are the person sending it you are the person who is considered doing the crime, the perpetuator. If you need or want more information on sexting check out my last article on the topic. Don’t think that just because you don’t know the rules/laws that they don’t apply to you, make sure these are clear and be careful! It’s part of the responsibility that comes with this type of technology today.

Speaking of responsibility, what role do our communities have and each of us individually have in these situations? Earlier this week Nicole Clark, MSW a social worker and sexual health activist/consultant for women and girls of color wrote a post called “Call To Action: Teens, Sex Tapes, and Why We’ve Got To Do Better” where she outlines four questions for readers about this current event and reality for the young woman involved. She writes:

What is the solution here? What can we do as adults to decrease the likelihood of incidences like this from occurring in the future? For one, we can stop sending mixed messages to young people about sex and sexuality. We can put the blame all we want on the media, rappers, models, music, videos, pop culture, social media, and magazines all we want, but young people are looking to the adults in their lives on how to behave.

I agree with Nicole’s perspective of ending mixed messages on sexuality and as adults, mentors, parents, educators who have young people in our lives taking some of this responsibility as well. Not just responsibility but accountability. We can blame the outlets and social media like Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr that allowed the video, bullying and harassment to continue (and some folks claim the young woman is using Twitter currently, although this has not been confirmed that it is actually her). However, there is a level of user accountability that we must also recognize. How do we talk to youth about how they behave online? Is it the same as how we teach them to behave in 3D? Why are they different? How can we figure out more solid and useful ways to discuss these methods?

Now, this incident is not isolated. Black women and women of Color have been targeted, harassed, threatened, bullied, isolated, shamed, silenced, violated, and victimized for being sexual beings in this country and world. We have not been protected the same way other women have, and even victimized by the same communities and organizations created to provide us some form of protection.

I believe the first things we must do is think about what consent means to us and then have conversations with others on the topic. How do folks have different definitions of consent? How do you obtain consent? What are the challenges to getting consent? What are the pleasures in getting consent? Then follow that up with a conversation with family members, community members, classmates, professors, mentors, and other folks in the communities of practice of which we have membership.

Next, think about what it means to have the privilege of social media, access to the internet, and how that gives us a unique yet important type of power. What are the ways we may practice power with versus power over in social media? How are these connected to our ideas of respect and I’m not saying this is an easy one as I see adults on social media acting out too!

Finally, what may we learn from young people about the uses and necessities of social media? I think it is important to look to young people as those experts who can help with creating solutions and holding their peers accountable. This is NOT just something that adults must do. It is something we ALL must do, it is all of our responsibility to speak out towards injustice, oppression, and isolation of young people because of a choice they made. To think it is up to adults to lead these efforts is a problem already. I’m committed to working with everyone in our community to challenge and find ways to make sure this does not happen again to another young person, young person of Color or community. What are ideas and ways others are working to help end these incidences as well?

Using Social Media To Find and Donate Breast Milk

cross posted from my RH Reality Check Blog

I talk a lot about breast milk, more than I ever thought I would, in the HIV work I do around NYC. Young people of all ages have a lot of questions about drinking and touching breast milk, and now with new technology in the US, women who are living HIV positive can give birth to negative babies, their questions continue. I remember my first NYC college class a student asked about accidentally drinking breast milk that was in the refrigerator and the risk of HIV transmission. There is still a lot of interest and curiosity around breast milk, and not just among pregnant and parenting people.

Often folks I meet and work with think of breast milk and associate it with pregnant and parenting women. When I read an NPR story last week by Nancy Shute, “Moms Who Can’t Nurse Find Milk Donors Online,” (audio and transcript available) I was really interested in a use of breast milk in a way I’ve never been before.

Before even reading I thought about class and access. I also thought about my pregnant sister-in-law and how I’ve been talking to her and my sister about birthing centers, mom and the “other mother” (as my sister says) journals, and baby showers. I had asked my sister if her wife had planned on breastfeeding and I remembered her response was “she wants to as long as it doesn’t hurt so much.”

The article by Shute is about women who have built a community of support in finding and sharing breast milk with one another, often for free, or in exchange for small donations or as mentioned in the article, bottles. One of the communities built, and that continues to flourish, is Eats on Feets GLOBAL (EOF) which is on Facebook. Many of the current members have found chapters or founded chapters via Facebook. I would think that Twitter is not far behind, especially for pregnant and parenting people who are wired. After all, there are so many of my friends who have had children who posted images via their cell phones hours after giving birth!

Eats on Feets GLOBAL shares in their About Us section:

Eats On Feets GLOBAL is a network that facilitates local woman-to-woman milk sharing via regional chapter pages on facebook. We assert that women are capable of making informed choices and of sharing human milk with one another in a safe and ethical manner. Eats On Feets GLOBAL does NOT sponsor the selling or corporatism of human breast milk.

Eats On Feets Global was created by a worldwide network of women coming together for a common cause; Feeding babies human breast milk. Spearheaded by activist Emma Kwasnica and inspired by the local action of Shell Walker LM, Eats On Feets is quickly becoming another example of the creative functions available through social networking.

Eats On Feets does NOT: diagnose, delineate, dictate, direct, determine, debate, debit, deal, deputy, deliver, deposit, or otherwise participate in the dogmatic control or outcomes of human breast milk sharing.

Eats On Feets DOES: Provide an online space where families who want human breast milk for their babies can find women who have breast milk to share. We encourage milk-sharers to utilize the principles of Informed Choice when establishing milk-sharing relationships.

I was fascinated and excited about this movement as it speaks to so many communities that are built all over the world. However, with such communities centered on sharing, building, and nurturing in a collective way, there are critiques. Many of the critiques are in the over 140 comments that accompany the article. There are concerns about safety, health, transmission of various diseases, and communication. As EOF shares above, and I completely understand these concerns and they are real and should not be ignored. At the same time I see connections to how the women and people (because not everyone who is pregnant identifies as a woman) who participate in these communities gain so much more than breast milk and nutrition for their child(ren).

Among those who critique EOF are the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Shute’s article quotes Lori Feldman-Winter, spokeswoman for AAP as saying “We cannot recommend the sharing of breast milk over the Internet” and encourages people to use one of 11 breast-milk banks in the US. Eleven breast-milk banks in comparison to the 110 EOF local chapters available for people in need. Plus, EOF does not charge in the same way breast-milk banks do. Seems to me that there could be collaboration, but, to the surprise of no one, the resources does not allow for such merging, especially when financial profit is not attached to the union.

There are two events I’m thinking about that connect to this NPR story: Salma Hayek’s breastfeeding while in Sierra Leone in 2009, and programs supporting new parents to breastfeed, especially young parents. These two events have been on my mind for a while, and I think they are most definitely connected to this story and community building.

When Mexican-born actress, activist and media maker Hayek traveled to Sierra Leone in 2009 and breast-fed a baby, I remember how people in the media interpreted this story. Hayek was questioned as to why she gave a hungry baby her breast milk, as if breast milk should only be shared among a birth parent and their baby. Hayek is a breastfeeding activist and breast-fed the baby boy to help alleviate the stigma in the country around having sex with a woman who is still breastfeeding.

On an ABC news story by Kimberly Kaplan, they quote Hayek as sharing:

She told "Nightline" co-anchor Cynthia McFadden that she thought her daughter wouldn't mind sharing her milk. "Am I being disloyal to my child by giving her milk away?" Hayek said. "I actually think my baby would be very proud to share her milk. And when she grows up I'm going to make sure she continues to be a generous, caring person."

Hayek told McFadden that that the idea of helping a child in this way had a long tradition in her family. She related a story about her great-grandmother many years ago in Mexico saving the starving baby of a stranger by breastfeeding the child.

I remember some of my own community repulsed by Hayek’s actions and sharing these openly on social media outlets. The irony in all of this, that historically, this nation was built on breastfeeding other children’s babies and never once was that a concern. It was more an expectation that enslaved women who were lactating would provide for whomever needed feeding, most especially their master and mistress’ children. Wet nurses have often been attached to class status, and breastfeeding and access to breast milk remains an issue of access and class.

So maybe the concern is an issue because the sharing of breast milk is among “our” (read US-born) children and not those who are living outside the continental US. Many may assume that because a wealthy and well-known woman shared her breast milk that she is also free of communicable diseases, drug and smoke free, and all the other illnesses of concern. Or perhaps it’s that we just don’t really care as much what happens to that African baby? Either way it seems to me that this “modern society” of the US we like to think we find ourselves in, has found a way to ignore, debunk, vilify and, erase community building and sharing of resources that has occurred for centuries all over the world. This nation also does a great job of erasing the legacy of sharing breast milk that has sustained many families for generations.

My second thought was tied to encouraging young parents to breastfeed. I have shared before that I’m unapologetic about being one of those folks who watches 16 & Pregnant as well as Teen Mom. Rarely have I seen an episode where a young parent is encouraged to breastfeed. There was one young parent, whose name I can’t remember, who was encouraged and provided with nursing bras, yet the support did not go beyond that. I’ve also never seen an episode where the young parents are in a birthing center or seeking care through a midwife or doula, but that’s another issue for another time.

When I was working with young parents in the foster care system while at the Child Welfare League of America, I remember one of the main concerns for the parenting teens was their feelings of sexual arousal during breastfeeding. For those of you who are familiar with oxytocin and its connection to uterine contractions during delivery, milk release during breastfeeding, and uterine contractions during human sexual response, this is not new to you. However, for many young parents this experience, or acknowledgement that this may occur, was often one deterrent for them I heard often. I remain wondering why there are limited discussions with young parents about this, and even with older and seasoned breast feeders.

As my work has moved me in a different direction from where I was over a decade ago working with young parents, my conversations around breast milk have shifted. Nonetheless, breast milk has remained a topic of discussion for me, just in different contexts. Now, as I will be my niece or nephew’s only (read best and greatest) aunt by the end of the summer, breast milk and it’s access is becoming more important to me.

I always find it interesting when our life’s work and experiences leads us down paths and information we rarely thought we would go into. Often I’m cautious of using Facebook and (sometimes) Twitter to share some forms of content, but I have to admit that being in another state four hours away from my growing family, it has helped me stay connected to them. The pride I feel when I see sonogram posts of my sister and her wife’s baby on Facebook is indescribable. For that, I’m grateful for social media and yes, modernization to an extent.