Are You A Sex(uality) Blogger/Writer of Color?

I'm looking to expand my "resources" list on my website LatinoSexuality.com and would like to have a list of sex(uality)* bloggers/writers of Color** (you do not need to identify as Latin@). I've asked around and searched to see if there is some type of list of us, but there does not seem to be any.

It's time ya'll. I envision shameless plugs for all of us who are writing on these topics, but also provide a range of resources for folks seeking insight, support, advice, community, affirmation, or whatever else they need through what many of us may provide!

I know several bloggers/writers of Color who write on sex(uality), but I'd like your permission to share your site on LatinoSexuality.com, so please let me know if I have your permission one of several ways:

1. Leave a comment here, DM me on Twitter, leave me a message on Tumblr, if we are homies on Facebook, leave a note there, or if you have my email address send me an email with a link to your online/virtual home(s)

2. Share with me how you would like your online/virtual home(s) identified (i.e. name)

My goal is to have this list completed (and continually updated) by mid-summer 2011. I will only check the link you provide to make sure it is live and working, not for specific content. If you identify as a person of Color writing on sex(uality) and reach out, I'll include you.

Many thanks in advance!

Peace, love and light

Bianca

* I'll leave it up to each individual person and/or group to define sex(uality) as a theme/topic they write about, no definitions or restraints from me, define it how you see it!

**I'll leave identifying as a "person of Color" up to the individual and/or group, again I will not define or restrain folks from identifying as such.

NYC Come See Me!

I'm working my tail off and doing lots of community events this coming week. That's right, taking it from the Internets back to the community where I started!

First event is Monday April 4, 2011 the Magnum Living Large Tour 2 (yes as in Trojan Magnum condoms). This is an MC Battle with Ludacris who is the Magnum spokesperson. So if you or someone you know is interested in participating in this MC Battle def check it out. The event is FREE 18+.

Before the battle there is a Panel that homegirl JLove has put together that features several people representing various elements of Hip-Hop and I'm the sexologist on the panel! Please join us at 8pm doors open at 7pm I'd love to see your faces and support Trojan's decision to have this type of event! Check out the flyer below and see what happened at other MC Battles from Asia One.

Then Tuesday April 5, 2011 I'm on a panel after an exclusive screening of the documentary film LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX. If you are in the NYC area please send Miss Kings County, Carmen B. Mendoza an email to rsvp (MissKingsCounty2011@gmail.com). Carmen's platform is de-stigmatizing getting tested for HIV, so you know she is doing good work! Check out the flyer below for details!

Imma Homo

This video is on fiyah on the internets! I had to share because im in some kind of love with this production and vision. Here's what Rainbow Noise Entertainment is about:

Rainbow Noise Entertainment is a lesbian owned record label specializing in LGBTQ music artist with an independent name and mainstream appeal; But it doesn't stop there... We are also committed to representing LGBTQ dancers, models, comedians, and entertainers with something to be proud of.

Check out their video below. You may follow them on twitter @RainbowNoiseEnt or visit their facebook page. I really dig the contributions, the evolution of the genre, and the representations. Knowing folks will have some stuff, good, complex, and critiques to share, right now I'm just absorbing all the juicy rainbow goodness in!

On GQs "Glee Gone Wild"

cross posted from my RH Reality Check Blog

The latest issue of GQ Magazine, which contains sexually provocative photos of several lead “stars” of the Fox television show Glee, has been at the center of many conversations among parents and youth. The cover image shows Cory Monteith who plays Finn, a football player, posing with Diana Agron his first girlfriend, Quinn, (who lied to him in Season One, and told him she became pregnant with his child when she was in fact pregnant with someone else's) and Lea Michele, who plays Rachel, who is his current partner.

I’ll admit my bias now: I’m not a fan of the show. Yes, I’m one of the several who got tired of them performing Blackness so early into the show (which they continue to do) and then all the other –isms they performed came into play as well. With that said I have a very simple response to this new concern/conversation that parents are now troubled to have with their children and youth in their lives who enjoy this show.

Now is the time to teach yourself and the young people in your life about media literacy. (That’s a link to an article I use often when teaching media literacy skills to my students and highly recommend it for everyone as it is a very accessible read, an updated article specifically for educators is available here.)

Instead of being disappointed that the young actors from a hit show are not in that same role 24/7/365, or that GQ Magazine created a cover that is very much objectifying of White women, or that many people are exposed to this form of media, I encourage folks to gain a new set of skills for how to deconstruct and critically examine these forms of media. Now, I will admit again, that I’m biased. I find it far too easy to blame the media for some forms of education and imagery when we as community members, educators, parents, mentors, partners, and activists must learn new skills.

I speak of this as someone who very much lives an analog life. I do not receive or send text messages, I still use my Polaroid camera (and yes I have plenty of film left for it in the fridge), still use rabbit ears on my television antennae, and the one stereo I have in my home has a dual tape deck and one CD player because I got it when I was in middle school circa 1989. I remember when the Internet was called the “information super highway” and I’m still trying to figure out how to spell check a Microsoft Word document in the latest edition my college offers.

I get it, learning new things is not always fun, nor is it always necessary. However, in this case I do believe it is a useful tool and skill. Without media literacy skills we would not be able to have a productive conversation around the fact that bodies of Color and bodies of size (which are exclusively ignored in almost all forms of media and especially in GQ) ignored in the media. Many of the critiques I’ve read have not even mentioned race, ethnicity, or body shape and size (and yes, I am biased about what and where I consume my media, that’s a media literacy skill).

Would the reaction be the same if the characters were different? Take White male actor Kevin McHale, an able-bodied actor who plays Artie, a young man who is in a wheelchair. Partner him on the cover with Amber Riley who plays Mercedes, the only Black character and also the only character of any size, along with Jenna Ushkowitz who plays Tina, Artie’s ex who leaves him this season for an Asian man, Mike, performed by Harry Shum Jr. Would we be disappointed we did not see Kevin McHale in a wheelchair? Would we want to? I’d argue that many people are not even willing to discuss sexuality and the intersections of differently-abled people in the media as the recent terror by readers of ESPN The Magazine’s body issue have shared regarding the nude photograph of Esther Vergeer.

I don’t doubt these conversations must occur, I just want us to have all the tools and weapons we need in our arsenal to have constructive conversations that are not only reactionary but that also lead to some form of action.

What Do We Expect From a Sexual Attitudes Reassessment Workshop?

Cross posted from my RH Reality Check Blog

Earlier this summer I received a letter that I wrote to myself after a training I took last year. The training was a SAR (Sexual Attitudes Reassessment) at the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) annual conference. When this (love) letter arrived I had several memories that were triggered; not all of them were positive.

When I attended my first AASECT conference it was with the goal of becoming a certified sexuality educator in the US. I spent over $1000 to travel to Arizona, get a hotel room, pay for conference registration and pay for the SAR I had to participate in to complete the application process to become certified. Let me be clear, this all came out of pocket and I’m still paying off most of this that was put on a credit card. After my experience at the SAR, which occurred before the conference, I knew this was not an organization that had a space for me.

Not only was the conference overwhelmingly White, but it was extremely elitist. As a working class person of Color I immediately felt out of place. It did not help that the registration desk didn’t have my information or packet when I had spent well over $700 to attend. I wrote about my experience there in a three part series, my triptych. But I want to focus more on my experience in the SAR more than anything else. I’m not against having to attend the SAR, I was looking forward to the experience and to being challenged and affirmed in the work I am doing.

Unfortunately, that was not what occurred. I’m in support of encouraging those who wish to enter or work in the sexuality field to attend a SAR. What I’m concerned about is the content of the SARs. A SAR is supposed to help participants examine and interrogate their level of comfort and awareness around multiple issues and topics that are a part of our sexuality. The exercise takes place in a group setting, where people do individual, paired, or group activities of discussion/sharing and/or education over a period of about 10-15 hours. The SAR is also an opportunity to understand what our limitations may be as providers and to recognize them and when to provide referrals for clients and for ourselves. My SAR was a two-day experience, and left me upset at having to pay so much for the less than exceptional experience.

I wonder what goes into creating a SAR for some people who provide them. Not only was the data and information introduced and provided to us over two decades old, yes data from 1990 was used, it was also extremely isolating and othering. The topics covered included: sexual health, culture and sexuality, positive sexuality (which focused on sexuality over the lifespan), body image, human sexual response, and challenges/ranges of sexual behaviors. The images that were presented were primarily of racially White able-bodied heterosexual people. Only when sexual orientation, gender identity, and disability were presented did we see different representations. There were a handful, literally less than 8 images out of over 50 and some videos, which had people of Color. Of those images of people of Color they were specifically introduced when discussing culture. The bodies of the people, even the people with disabilities and their partners, did not range in size, to be clear: there was only one image of a “body of size” or a “fat body.”

The discussion of culture and sexuality was ridiculous. All of the “culture” that was presented was outside US borders and society. We saw images of Pygmy communities, berdache/two-spirit communities (the same foto that is used in every discussion was used in our slideshow), and all the other images and representations I’m almost positive I blocked out to save my sanity over the two days. Let me be clear: when it came to “culture” in sexuality, we were taken outside the US, as if there is not any difference or culture that people must understand and interact with in the US or even in the group we formed!

As a person of Color, a fat woman, and someone who paid out of pocket for the SAR, I did not get the opportunity to explore my professional challenges or see myself as a sexuality educator presented. The conversations I was a part of were extremely superficial and many of the older White people I shared my space and time with were condescending (one woman told me I had a “baby face” when I said I love the idea of aging to not be questioned by older sexuality professionals), and dismissive (when one man spoke of his experience in the kink community as being racially inclusive, I mentioned how race play is one area in the kink community where I don’t see too much support for the people who consent to such experiences, he rolled his eyes and sighed heavily as I spoke).

I quickly realized the SAR is not about sexual or reproductive justice, it’s not about social justice, it’s not about examining our –isms or how our –isms may make others lose respect for us as professionals. I shared this and more on my feedback form at the end of each session. I left the SAR wondering: what would this look like if it centered justice and transformation? How would my experiences and those of my peers be different? I’ve realized there is a need, a very real need for SARs that are inclusive in ways that many sexuality professionals have yet to even consider.

I know this may not have been anything near the same experience for the 40 plus participants that attended the same SAR I did. For those of you who have attended a SAR or who are planning to create one, what have been your experiences?

What Do We Know About Open Relationships?

Cross posted from my Media Justice column

If you are on Twitter, you are already in the know of all the triflin’ hashtags that have been floating around regarding relationships. There’s #RelationshipRules, #DontWifeHer, #HollaFail, #IKnewUWereGayWhen, #DontTrustHer, and #SheAHoIf. Often when these pop up in my timeline it is because one of several radical women of Color* I follow is speaking to how ridiculous and oppressive the hashtags are and what it says about the people who are utilizing them. I hardly pay them any mind, yet I was reminded of them when I heard a story last week.

As the Oscar’s were recently awarded, there were several stories that focused on the “open relationship” between Oscar-winner Mo’Nique and her husband Sid Hicks. Mo’Nique defines cheating as “when you lie and are deceitful not when you have sex outside of the marriage.” Open to Mo’Nique is “no secrets.” She shares here with Barbara Walters in her interview, which you can watch below. Her conversation about her relationship starts at about the 7-minute mark.



People have several opinions, and misconceptions, about open relationships. As someone who has been in an open relationship in the past, and remains interested in them for the future, I’m in support of them. I’ve heard several stereotypes about open relationships: they only work in “queer partnering,” that they are not relationships people of Color who are heterosexual would engage in, the relationships allow for “cheating” between partners, and they simply “won’t work.” Enter those trifling twitter hashtags.

Ironically, what I’ve found in my experience is that these are often the fears of other people who project their own issues onto the relationship of others. There is a difference between “cheating” (lying about one’s actions and desires with another person(s)), polygamy (multiple marriages of women to one man; polygyny is multiple marriages of men to one woman), and polyamory (open relationships which take many forms). I really appreciate this compilation of terms and concepts regarding polyamory that includes definitions. I find the definitions accessible and clearly explained.

Many people who may not have conversations often about relationships that are non-monogamous may think of open relationships and automatically go to polygamy and the representations we have in our culture that represents this partnering. Big Love comes to mind. Other representations in the media include “Short Bus” by James Cameron Mitchell, and Spike Lee’s film “She Hate Me.” Which is a film that needs an examination all on its own because there are some problematic representations in the film. Yet, it is one of the few that have people of Color, even on a film list compiled of open relationships and polyamory.

There are limited narratives from polyamorous (poly for short) people and couples, but even more from poly people/couples that are people of Color. I think there has been more conversation among communities of Color about open relationships in the past 5 years. As books were written (or updated) about open relationships in the past 5 years, I was surprised of how color-free the narratives were. I reviewed the book “Opening Up: A Guide To Creating And Sustaining Open Relationships” 4 by Tristan Taormino (who had a handful of couples of Color she interviewed) and “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. These two texts are more on the instructional tip than anything else and although they do offer some testimonies, really are created to allow readers the opportunity to decide if open relationships are for them and if so how to prepare and create them.

I suppose my “surprise” at the color-free discussion is because I know a lot of people of Color in open relationships and we talk about them! A brief conversation that comes to mind is the “Ask A Sex Goddess” column that used to be on Wiretap where a question about open relationships was addressed two years ago. One of the LatiNegr@s I featured last month is educator, artist and activist Ignacio Rivera, who provides workshops and consultation on a range of topics within the sexual science field and has shared the following about poly relationships:

“Polyamory goes beyond non-monogamy. It is negotiated, ethical non-monogamy.
Polyamory is the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of interacting intimately with multiple people simultaneously. It gives one the option of having relationships outside of social norms. Polyamory is from the root words Poly (meaning "many") and Amour (meaning "love/lovers"); hence "many loves" or Polyamory.

Polyamory is an umbrella term, it can mean many things, such as being in a triad (when there are three people who are intimate with each other), having a primary partner, being single but having multiple lovers or relationships. To us, revolutionary polyamory means purging the seeds of oppression that try to corner us into ownership, control of our bodies, and illusions of security through something outside of yourself.”

In addition, artist, activist, and educator Favianna Rodriguez has shared in her writing, “Let’s talk about sex! Latina girls still having more babies than any other teenage group” the following:

“This year I have been active about discussing alternative models of having relationships, considering that the dominant model we hear about relationships does not work for many of us. In fact, it does not work for about 50% of the population, if you take a look at how high divorce rates are. I have also been more active around learning more about my own sexuality, and challenging ourselves, as people of color, to reconsider sexuality as something that is constantly changing, adapting, being reinvented.

In our own communities (black and brown) I feel that we often regergitate [sic] heterosexist, oppressive models around sex, for example, in many brown families young women are not talked to about sex unless the message is "Don't have any!" There tends to be an emphasis on "waiting for marriage" for young Latinas, I mean, I definitely got conditioned that way, not by my parents, but by all the culture around me. I was also not encouraged to learn about masturbation, about open relationships, about questioning whether I liked men or women - I was conditioned to believe that I would fall in love with one really awesome guy, have babies with him and be monogamous, and that that should be one of my main life purposes. That's not where I am today, and at age 30, all I hear at family parties is "Favi when you gonna have your own babies! Cuando te casas??"

I’ve also found interesting conversations on a Blog Talk Radio show called Original Native Network hosted by Coach Khayr which aired October 29, 2009 called “Take It Off Thursday’s-Polyamory & People of Color” where people call in and share their experiences with choosing and creating polyamorous relationships. One of the things that really stood out to me hearing the callers and speakers share their perspectives on their open relationships were their relationships to spirituality, religion, and/or belief and value systems. These are not new conversations, what makes them new is the format that makes such conversations public.

So why are we excluded in such conversations. Honestly, I took three days to do some research, which included a google search, to find many of these quotes and resources, yet people who write books about a topic we have a lot to say about don’t or can’t find us? Were they looking for us? How does our omission from such discussions perpetuate the stereotypes I outlined above about open relationships?

At the end of the day, when will it be your business what someone else does in the privacy of their own home? What two, three, four, or more consenting adults choose is the best way to build together and raise a family is not really our business. Of all the abuses and neglect that children and youth face today, focusing on an “untraditional” partnering where people center love, trust, honesty, communication, and family seems moot.

Three months ago one of my homegirls asked me a question on the infamous formspring about open relationships. Here is a part of my response (just ignore that I don’t use the spell check feature when answering these questions!):

“i think that if you are clear about what it is you want, what it is your potential/current partner can offer and are honest with one another that it can and does work. i also think many people of Color who have opinions on it are very much unaware of what poly relationships are and confuse it with polygamy and cheating. i think they are also far too comfortable assuming they have control over other people's actions, and buying into the illusion that there is only one person who can fulfill everything we need in this lifetime from another person. talk about STRESS!!!

sometimes open relationships don't work for a lot of reasons, that are just the same as why monogamous relationships don't work (scheduling, values, belief systems, politics, family, dishonesty, death, changing needs etc.) but not because they are open. sometimes monogamous relationships [sic] dont work because they are not open!

what would happen if every person was raised with love and acceptance to our opinions of open relationships? i think for many people the fear of losing love, giving love, exchanging love is so overwhelming it leads us to want something that may not be very realistic for some people like monogamy.

i also think many people project their own ish onto the open relationships we may have. what if people not in our relationsip [sic] realized our relationships are about our needs not theirs? what if we all realized that we do what is best for us at that time and if having one or more primary partners or primary lovers or companions etc. is what is best for us that is what we need to do at that time. we are always evolving.

i also think monogamy is a result of colonization but that will take me on a tangent.”

I’ll pick up on that tangent for next week’s column where I share some of the research I looked into during graduate school regarding open relationships and cohabitation! In the meantime, what are some of your thoughts about open relationships? What conversations do you think are missing and need to occur? If you want to learn more about the topic I’d suggest taking a look at a few of the books on this list and also checking out the book “Vodou Love Magic: A Practical Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships” by Kenaz Filan a book which I personally adore and go back to often for guidance and opinion from a spiritual standpoint.


*Thanks to those radical women of Color who helped me remember those triflin’ hashtags SH, LV, and MP.

UPDATE 11/23/2019
Unfortunately this author of the text above has believed the lies of white supremacy and has promoted dehumanization of various community members. This post and others will include this update for accountability and archival purposes.

What Happens At The Sex Conference Doesn't STAY At The Sex Conference

It’s been a few weeks since I came back from the “Sex Conference” I went to and wanted to share some of my experiences. I’ve broken it into pieces so this is easier to read. I’ll start with the flight, hotel, and SAR in this piece. The next pieces will be the conference experience and third introspective analysis.

The Flight

I have a crush on Lenny the flight attendant. He’s probably 50 or older, he’s about 6’2, has a goatee, salt and pepper hair, nice frame, silver wire glasses, light brown skin, a NYC accent, and a wedding band. I want to be his luva. I’ll rub a few out for masturbation month to him. If only he knew! I need to make a series of cards called “cat daddy” cards that I’ll hand out to attractive older men. Kind of like a membership badge or something. Maybe Erika Lopez will be into this idea and help out! Lenny is what Erika would call a “meat dog” which she defines as “guys who reek of sex and just broadcast their "meat dogness.” It’s a compliment. They never apologize for their testosterone.” I also had a crush on the security broad who took my luggage to check. She opened it and was greeted by my bra, panties and silky draws. She then told me my tattoo was “interesting” we were scoping one another out. The airport is always a hard sell for me when flirting cause, I mean it’s hit or miss.


I didn’t have anybody sitting next to me on the plane, but then some buster got on the plane at the last minute and took the seat next to me. It was this famous broad Rev. Debra Haffner. She runs the Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Healing, and Justice. She doesn’t know who I am but I know who she is as I first saw/met her in Cuba at the World Association of Sexual Health (formerly World Association of Sexology) conference (where I presented in Spanish I might add). Her hair was curly and I instantly liked her more as when I’ve seen her she straightens her hair. She was on the Cuba flight too and I remember her telling my homeboy Brad and I to “go to the AASECT conference because it’s 10x better than WAS.” I’ll share my comparison to that when I’m done sharing my experience. She left when Lenny suggested she move to another seat so that, as Lenny said “we all have more elbow room” which I think is code for the fact that I’m fat. Yet it was true because my elbow would have stabbed her in her left ear over and over for 5 hours straight. That would not have made me comfortable, not cause she’s a reverend, fellow sexologist, or older than me; but because not everybody’s curls are the same and I honor the “don’t touch my hair” stance.


Hot & Arid-Zona

My homegirl Elena picked me up from the airport and we went to Target and ate at a spot whose name I can’t remember but I know it’s not on the East Coast. I had to purchase some toiletries since the security in NYC made me toss stuff, plus I got some grub so I wouldn’t have to spend too much money during the conference. We headed to the hotel and Elena dropped me off. It was Tuesday and I wouldn’t see her again until after work on Friday. After I checked in the first thing I did was take my clothes off. It was HOT in AZ, I’m talking 100 degrees hot even with air conditioning. I called a high school friend to see when we could meet up, as I haven’t seen her since 1996! I then cooled off and went straight to the pool. It was all good for 2 hours until some frat boys came to do cannon balls in the shallow part of the pool. I slept well that night and the wine I drank with my high school homegirl sure helped!

Day 1 & 2: SAR

To get certification you are expected to attend a SAR, which stands for Sexual Attitudes Reassessment. It’s usually a 10-hour session with a group of people where you explore and discuss various topics on sexuality and sexual health. I couldn’t find anyone who was offering this in NYC and decided to do it in AZ. They are not cheap at $450, so I had to decide to use some emergency funds/health care money/birthday money to pay to attend this event. When I went to the registration desk, I was the first person to register and folks were excited I got the ball rolling. In order to get my packet they had to find my name on a list of folks who paid and they did, but they did not find a packet had been made for me. This frustrated me because I paid $650 total just for the SAR and conference not including hotel, travel and food. It’s a lot of money, shoot that’s rent! I had to come back to get a packet. Unfortunately, when I came back they still didn’t have one ready for me. They told me that I would have it before the SAR began that evening.

I can’t express how imperative it is that folks who spend so much money are treated with dignity and respect. The two White women who were attempting to help me could not have been more opposite. One was extremely helpful the other extremely dismissive.

I have to admit; this registration experience left me feeling invisible.

The first evening of the SAR there were about 50 people in the room not including the facilitator, Dr. Eli Coleman. I got there a bit late since the registration desk staff did not give me adequate directions to find the room. I took a seat in the back. There was a film playing of people dancing. I read the bodies of those dancing as racially White. I looked around the room and counted 5 other women of Color. This made me feel relief. There were no men of Color, and less than 10 men in total in the group. It was difficult to assess the age of members in the group, but I came to the understanding that I was part of the “younger” crowd of 30-somethings.

I don’t want to tease out the entire SAR, but I do want to mention a few things that stood out for me. First, this space allowed for a lot of group work and one-on-one work as well. You get to know almost everyone in the group over the 10 hours fairly quickly. Here’s what I experienced:

1. When I shared my age with two women over 50 in an activity, I was told: “you have a baby face” when I said part of the reason I eroticize getting older is because I believe I can find acceptance as a sexologist among my older peers.

2. When I shared that I received more messages about my body not because I was fat, but because I was brown, two of the three White women in my group said: “that’s fascinating.” Really? It’s called racism. It’s not that fascinating.

3. When talking about kink in a group of five people, all White, with one man who is active in the community, I mentioned how race play is rarely ever discussed within the community and that challenges the ideas that kink communities are so inclusive, they have their isms too. The man in the group started to look around the room and exhale loudly as I began to speak (not after, WHILE I was speaking).

4. When my group of 5 all White members agreed that I would be the “lead” on a condom demonstration, one of the White women completely ignored what I was saying by leaving the group, checking her telephone, and when she returned she was loudly saying what was wrong with her condoms over others who were speaking. When I mentioned the expired condoms she had in her box (over 1 year old) may not be nice to the touch if opened, she said: “Really, is that right?” and proceeded to open the package. Ten minutes later she had to go wash her hands cause they were so skuzzy.

5. I ate lunch alone.

It was a less than exceptional yet expensive experience. There was an attempt to include communities of Color in the images and media presented, but they were so few and far between (and very Black/White). There was absolutely no Asian, Southeast Asians, Native American Indians. There were a handful of people (read no more than 2) with disabilities, who were fat and who were Latinos. There was an abundance of parents, White people, White children, and specific videos/images of transgender people, LGBTQI people, older White adults, and men in wheelchairs. I wrote this as something to improve the SAR. I also suggesting updating the data provided, as there were citations from almost 20 years ago! I wonder if once you become someone who is so “popular” and well known in the movement if things like quoting old data is a pass you get. Perhaps it’s age, as I’ve heard many older White sexologists say their age allows them a pass to act like a fooligan and they use that pass all.the.time.

As someone who is working-class, an activist, a person of Color, a woman, a person with a disability, a fat person, someone committed to media and social justice, this experience was very “tip of the iceberg.” Think of cultural competence training but with a focus on sexuality. All of the discussions on “culture” were focused outside the US as if we don’t have enough culture to discuss here. Images of people in Thailand, Mexico, and from the Pacific Islands were presented. It was very “othering” of communities of Color by older White men or more specifically from a White gaze. Perhaps if I experienced this 10 years ago when I was just starting out in the field would this have had more of an impact, then again I had a tons of consciousness-raising experiences growing up and at home.

What I did appreciate about this space was that I had folks to say “hi” to during the conference the next day. They also fed us breakfast, lunch and snacks, which cut down on my expenses. I also realized that a SAR especially for people of Color and sexologists of Color is imperative. I also realized SARs do not have to be so expensive. There can be ways to make the SAR a collective and affordable experience. However, making connections with folks was difficult as many people already knew others there or had come with a group. I was among my peers but I was still alone. I ate dinner alone and went to my room and began to write.

My next post will focus on my experience at the actual conference. Boy did things take a 360 turn for the better!

Sexual Baggage & Values

I attended the recent Guttmacher Institute Exchange entitled "Where Do Young People Learn About Sexual Health." There was a panel of six people, four adults and two youth speakers. I'm not going to sit here and rehash the entire panel because you can listen to it online as it was recorded. However, I do want to discuss one specific area that was very much a trigger for me as a sexuality activist, woman of Color, and educator.

The second speaker was William Juzang, the Vice President of Business Development of MEE Productions, a media organization that creates "cost-effective and culturally relevant messages for hard-to-reach urban and ethnic audiences." Juzang presented information from their Black youth sexuality research from 2002 entitled "This is My Reality – The Price of Sex: An Inside Look at Black Youth Sexuality and the Role of the Media." This is a national survey of youth from several cities in the US using both qualitative and quantitative methods.

When I first heard him mention this work I thought "Ok, this research is 7 years old since publication, which means it may be almost 10 years old, but let's see what they found and if anything has changed or stayed the same." I sat and listened to his overview of MEE Productions and how their work is imperative for our community. He addressed how understanding, as educators and communicators, where we are, what our baggage and issues are. I agree with this, but when he said it during his presentation it did not resonate with me until he began to share the findings from the research in their Black youth sexuality research.

On Juzang's second slide which was part of the qualitative focus groups, MEE Productions examined environmental factors that went into how Black youth learn about and are impacted by family, education, media, streets, influence of health care. He read off the list of items youth provided and then he said this:

"Black females are valued by no one."

I can't begin to explain to you the warm feeling I had that filled my body from my head to my toes. I clinched my teeth and tried to hold tears back as I heard him move to his second slide where they examined the statement further. Youth discussed the negative name calling, images seen in videos and other aspects of media, lack of "sisterhood," and women being in limited no win situations.

Data that is almost a decade old and our youth know that Black women are not valued by anyone in their community or outside of it. I've heard so many parents and educators talk about how we want to "protect" our youth from such negative messages, but how is it that regardless of how we raise them there are even more messages they come into contact with that tell the the opposite? How can years and years of work become undone so quickly and in such an intense and stunning way.

I was hurt. I am still hurting. Some may wonder why I am writing about this on a Latino Sexuality website, and that is for several reasons. First, Latinos can be of any race especially with the racial formation that is created and held in the US. Second, do we think this idea and belief (and fact!) that "Black females are valued by no one" excludes any other women of Color? This can clearly be applied to anyone who is considered "Other." Third, this affects all of us. Fourth, I believe we can make the same statement and include men of Color too.

As I listened to the rest of the panel, Juzang being the only Black male on a panel full of White women (the two youth were young people of Color), my palms started to sweat, I found myself restless in my seat, I zoned out and could hear my heart beat through my throbbing ears every time I swallowed my orange juice. i found myself questioning more of the panel's discussions in relation to this one statement Juzang had presented.

When the panel was opened to questions from the audience (there were about 50 people in the room), I put my pen down and put my palms on the side of my legs to absorb the sweat that had been produced. I wondered how I would ask all of my questions, should I comment on what Juzang had mentioned, would someone else bring it up besides me?

Four questions in and nobody brought it up yet. Topics of reaching youth and families who speak Spanish, how to make websites more youth friendly, and ways to reach parents were discussed. I raised my hand and was selected to comment and ask my question.

I warned participants and panelist that I had several questions and one comment. I chose to begin with my comment based on Juzang's research finding. I shared all that I wrote above about not being able to describe the feeling of seeing those words on a screen. I got choked up. I had to pause. I clinched my teeth so that I would not cry or let any tears fall. A few seconds passed and I realized the room was quiet. I looked up and saw Goddesses Rising who had invited me, looking at me with an expression of support, understanding and solidarity. I began to finish my comment and thanked Juzang for reminding me of this no matter how painful it was.

I shared with the group how Juzang's mention of educators and providers needing to understand what baggage we bring to a space resonated with me in a whole new way when this finding was presented. I realized this is my baggage. The fact that in the US I am not valued. My homegirls are not valued. We do not value one another. What kind of educator and activist am I if this is my baggage? How do I try to mask the fact that I know this to my youth? What is available or currently in existence for those of us in this field to regroup, process, and heal so that we can continue to do this work? I realized I do not have such a space and that it is sorely needed (happy hour doesn't count! Plus I'm not a huge drinker).

I've resisted writing this down because it is so painful. To be in a group of people committed to this movement of sexuality and sexual health and to have that ideology at the center of the work I do and there being no discussion of it any further than what I mentioned. I'm hurting.

I don't want to place blame on any one individual, that is not what this is about. It's about how our youth are so much more intuitive and astute than we give them credit for. They know what is going on no matter how much we think they don't. They know more than we think they do. Our youth know.

So, I ask, what is next? What do we do? How does knowing this information change how we work with our youth? How do we change our messaging? Do we discuss how our bodies have been abused, raped, ignored, tested, probed, murdered and how they continue to be? How do we create spaces for us to cope with this reality when we need it to continue the work that we do? I'm open to suggestions as I know a group of activists and educators are in the same situation as I am. We need to preserve not only or spirit, but our bodies, minds, rituals, cultures, families, community. We need to preserve and take care of ourselves and each other. A todo mi gente: I got your back.

Thank you Goddesses Rising for being present when I found myself struggling. Those few seconds gave me all the strength I needed to complete my thoughts and honor our bodies.