The Beautiful Ones

After having a convo with my homegirl Sparkle, I have realized there is some kind of pattern: men of Color are not valuing themselves, are not putting their healing as a priority, and thus are not willing to give themselves permission to accept and receive the love we, radical women of Color, have to give them.

The Beautiful Ones always smash the picture; always; every time.

So why do these beautiful men of Color that we love and adore limit their transformation and healing? Better yet, what does this resistance result in for each of us? How are we changed? Unchanged?

The Beautiful Ones you always seem to lose.

I hope these beautiful men of Color do not allow themselves to be lost. And when they are ready they find another radical woman of Color who is willing to fill them with all the love, support, and acceptance and nourishment they need but did not allow themselves to accept from us. I hope someone is present for them in the ways they need.

Maybe they know too well that our love is exactly what they need but are not ready to transform for whatever reason. Maybe they know exactly what they are doing by resisting us, but are unaware of the consequences.

You were so hard to find.

Maybe they have no idea how rare it is that radical women of Color like Sparkle and I are filled with such love, affection, loyalty, and desire for one person in such a way that they don't realize the amazing and unique gift it is.

I may not know where I'm going, I may not know what I need, One thing's for certain, I know what I want.

I want you.

We want you. But you got to want to be wanted. You got to want to transform and heal with us, not for us.

Revisiting Sexting

Cross posted from my Media Justice Column

me of you may never have guessed with all my critique and commentary on popular culture, I don’t have cable. Not only do I not have cable, but also I only get about four channels since the conversion as I still use rabbit ear antennas. Much of my consuming of media occurs between these four channels and catching things online. So, forgive me if I’m super late with discussing the anti-sexting campaigns that I just recently saw a advertisement for earlier this month.

While staying in a hotel in a very secluded city for a conference, I watched cable for the first time in months. As I watched MTV, I saw a commercial sponsored and created by MTV regarding anti-sexting. This topic is not new for you Amplify readers or parents of Amplify readers, nor is this topic new in the sexuality and sex education conversations. What is new for me is interacting with this new cyber-specific support, resources, and laws.

You see, I grew up without a computer or cell phone. I had to memorize telephone numbers! When I was in undergrad I was using a word processor. I know what dial-up sounds like, and that the Internet used to be called the “information superhighway.” Today, for me, is the future! With all this technology (i.e. “modernization”) there do come more challenges and laws about monitoring such activities (a post about “Net Neutrality” and what that means for all of us regarding protecting Internet freedom is forthcoming).

There are two things I wish to address: MTVs anti-sexting commercials and promotional resources and advertisements and one sexting story that caught my attention months ago but has had little discussion. Let’s begin with MTV and their anti-sexting campaign.

I saw a commercial, which I’ve tried so hard to find online but can’t, which is interesting. The commercial is of a young woman-soaking wet in a bath towel talking about how much she trusts her boyfriend. I’ve read that there is a similar advertisement with a girl of Color completely nude with her genitals blurred out standing in a gymnasium. Each young woman speaks about her trust towards her boyfriend, how it’s “not a big deal…right?” and ends with an anti-sexting message and link to a website.

The website that MTV has created is called A Thin Line which features a quiz, facts, suggestions on “taking control” and a space for youth to share their stories. I found it extremely interesting that MTV has created commercials focusing on sexting, yet the website focuses on multiple forms of digital and online/cyber situations, which they call: Constant Messaging, Spying, Digital Disrespect, and Cruelty. I spent some time on the website and was not completely impressed as an educator, mentor, and as someone who uses digital media multiple times a day to do my work.

In addition, there are huge messages that the fotos alone are sending subliminally and overtly. For example, all the images on the main page are of racially-White people (yes, there is one young person who could be Latina or Middle Eastern, yet when I first looked I instantly classified her as racially White as she is seated next to three other racially White people). The images are also accompanied by questions and slogans that give the impression that the users in the images are responsible and seeking information about the issues covered.

As I went to each issue covered I realized that the images became more racially diverse, but not by much. The majority of the images are of racially White women and men who are able-bodied. The time when I saw a number of people of Color was under the “Digital Disrespect” tab where 100% of the images are of people of Color, specifically women of Color. Now these images are not of a young woman of Color surviving “digital disrespect” but the images are of young women of Color in a group looking at a laptop, a telephone, a man of Color in shock, and a young woman of Color alone with her cell phone. I wondered: does MTV think only youth of Color engage in “digital disrespect”? What does it mean that only images of racially Black people are presented under this tab?

Two things that stood so much for me were the following: how heterosexist the campaign is and the clear exclusion of Asian, Latino and Black men in the campaign. The same Asian man is used in this campaign. He is first seen in the main Get The Facts tab looking at his laptop and then again in the Spying tab. The images of Black men in this site are of men screaming, laughing at a young girl with his friends (under Cruelty), and yelling/angry in the Constant Messaging tab. Latino men are scattered throughout yet do not have a strong presence, in my opinion, to even be memorable.

I can’t help but wonder what this means regarding the belief that young women are more at risk of being victimized by sexting or online/cyber bullying. Since when is this type of abuse gender specific? Do people really think queer youth use technology differently than heterosexual youth? Why wouldn’t MTV use its power as a prominent youth engaged space to include queer youth? Why is it so easy to exclude youth with disabilities and even undocumented youth or youth whose parents are undocumented? Is this an example of “saving the girls” over “saving the boys” because boys can take care of themselves, and/or because boys are predators?

I then watched MTVs special “Sexting In America: When Privates Go Public” and the two stories addressed are of racially White youth. One of the things I’ve discovered working with youth of many racial classifications, ethnic identities, class status’ and various abilities and gender identities are that technology is equally important to all of them. Having a telephone is a huge necessity for many youth today and I wonder why only some youth are thought to be important enough to target and represent.

This all comes from the first time I really began to pay attention to issues of sexting because I will be honest with you, when I first heard about it a few years ago prior to really working with digital media and youth, I assumed it was a class-based issue: wealthy kids, White kids getting “caught” and that’s why people (i.e. parents and authorities) were so focused on the topic. I thought: “here was a crime that was harming wealthy White youth and it had to be stopped!” Then I heard about Antony Stancl.

I first heard about an intense sexting and cyber-bullying situation last year via GQ magazine. In July 2009 the story “Sextortion at Eisenhower High” was published . The story focused on 18 year-old Wisconsin transnational queer adoptee Anthony Stancl, who was in his senior year in high school at New Berlin Eisenhower High School (called “Ike” by students). Author Michael Joseph Gross (whose tone I don’t find useful for a majority of the article) writes about Stancl stating:

Stancl allegedly posed as a flirtatious female on Facebook to lure Ike boys into sending naked pictures of themselves. According to the police, at least thirty-one of them did just that, and Stancl amassed a collection of explicit pictures and videos that he used as leverage in a game of sexual blackmail that eventually landed him in jail.

Earlier this year, and one day after MTVs Sexting special, Anthony Stancl was found guilty of blackmail and sentenced to 15 years in prison. One conversation that is not being examined is the bullying Stancl states he experienced when he was outed at school, any challenges that may have come up for him as a transnational adoptee from Peru to a family that is not of his same ethnic background, and what challenges come up in general being a queer youth of Color living in the US. Gross writes “He wanted to go to Peru that summer to build houses for the poor. He might have imagined the trip as a kind of homecoming—Tony and his sister, Stephanie, were adopted as babies from an orphanage in Lima—but his parents told him the trip was too dangerous.”

Here we have a young man of Color who seeks to go to his country of origin to do humanitarian efforts (which he sold his car to get funds) but is told not to by his adoptive parents. This concerns me on numerous levels. The fact that these aspects of his identity are not discussed or even considered troubles me and speaks to the invisibility of (young) men of Color in efforts and resources around sexting. The invisibility or exclusion of men of Color in general is frustrating. We need to do better.

Why is street life so homophobic? Some Gs and Gents respond

I watch the show From G's to Gents. It is one of two shows on MTV that I still watch. This past week they had the reunion show where all the original men come back and discuss what occurred on the show. One of the reasons why I'm writing about this is because there was an interesting discussion regarding sexual orientation and a specific situation that occurred this season. A handful of the men had targeted and chose to identify a particular member in the house as a gay men. Mr. Bentley asked the men during the reunion show this question:

It seems like the "Gay" word is used when you ultimately want to damage a guys cred. Just period. Like I think that that is just, not about you all, I'm just saying, like just in general, I think that that is a real thing. So I want to open this up to all the gentlemen who are here right now. Why do you think that street life is so homophobic? Anybody can comment. Fahim, you want to go first?

Two men responded to this question. First was Fahim (my favorite for selfish erotic reasons) and Riff Raff. Fahim's response was a bit difficult to follow and I interpreted his comment as a perfect example of how compounded and complicated the topic is among men of Color and working class men. Fahim says:

Where I come from, you don't, you're not comfortable with it, it's not out there, it's not, it's not. See I would do the same thing. It's not right! I would try to correct it, but that's just what it is you know? You can't blame a man cause he's some kind of way, because that's how he's bought up. I ain't scared of shit in this mother fucking world. So there ain't no reason, this "homophobia" word, that word should be crossed out, like a new big word, let's put a new big word. If that's the question you asking, you know.

Next to speak was Riff Raff who shared this:

A lot of my friends is is gay, but they just happen to be females. I got fans who are whatever, whatever they do is whatever on them. I just fuck with strickly females see what I'm saying, so. But if there is someone who is gay or such and such, man that's their lifestyle, man I ain't even trippin on that. So then the way I see is like this, I see it like this: So if somebody's gay, if somebody's gay, that's just one less person I got to worry about pulling the baddest bitch in the club when I'm in that mug

Mr. Bentley responds to these statements by saying:

At the end of the day, I just don't allow discrimination of any sort. Period. End of story. Listen listen listen listen. I think that homophobia really is something that is passing away in urban America. It's abating in the same way that racism did. It went from being legal to illegal. Then it went from something said aloud to onto something that is said in private. And at long last today you see people who understand that it is not just a distraction from the real problems that we all face. But one of the things I can say is, I would like to say thank you to every one of you for being vary honest and for coming up here and putting this out in the open.

Mr. Bentley tried, and I was with him when he said he does not allow discrimination. That's a powerful statement. But then he did the whole color-free discourse I'm not too down with. I'm sure there are extended conversations and comments from others, or maybe that's my hope! But due to editing, all we get are two statements. I find it interesting the times when the audience claps and how 2 of the top 3 men, Blue and Teddy both look while Fahim is responding.

Below is the full reunion show. The conversation on homophobia begins at about 24:00 minute mark. This was the first time I've ever heard such a discussion being facilitated among the community. What do you think?

From G's to Gents (Season 2) - MTV Shows

Sexual Baggage & Values

I attended the recent Guttmacher Institute Exchange entitled "Where Do Young People Learn About Sexual Health." There was a panel of six people, four adults and two youth speakers. I'm not going to sit here and rehash the entire panel because you can listen to it online as it was recorded. However, I do want to discuss one specific area that was very much a trigger for me as a sexuality activist, woman of Color, and educator.

The second speaker was William Juzang, the Vice President of Business Development of MEE Productions, a media organization that creates "cost-effective and culturally relevant messages for hard-to-reach urban and ethnic audiences." Juzang presented information from their Black youth sexuality research from 2002 entitled "This is My Reality – The Price of Sex: An Inside Look at Black Youth Sexuality and the Role of the Media." This is a national survey of youth from several cities in the US using both qualitative and quantitative methods.

When I first heard him mention this work I thought "Ok, this research is 7 years old since publication, which means it may be almost 10 years old, but let's see what they found and if anything has changed or stayed the same." I sat and listened to his overview of MEE Productions and how their work is imperative for our community. He addressed how understanding, as educators and communicators, where we are, what our baggage and issues are. I agree with this, but when he said it during his presentation it did not resonate with me until he began to share the findings from the research in their Black youth sexuality research.

On Juzang's second slide which was part of the qualitative focus groups, MEE Productions examined environmental factors that went into how Black youth learn about and are impacted by family, education, media, streets, influence of health care. He read off the list of items youth provided and then he said this:

"Black females are valued by no one."

I can't begin to explain to you the warm feeling I had that filled my body from my head to my toes. I clinched my teeth and tried to hold tears back as I heard him move to his second slide where they examined the statement further. Youth discussed the negative name calling, images seen in videos and other aspects of media, lack of "sisterhood," and women being in limited no win situations.

Data that is almost a decade old and our youth know that Black women are not valued by anyone in their community or outside of it. I've heard so many parents and educators talk about how we want to "protect" our youth from such negative messages, but how is it that regardless of how we raise them there are even more messages they come into contact with that tell the the opposite? How can years and years of work become undone so quickly and in such an intense and stunning way.

I was hurt. I am still hurting. Some may wonder why I am writing about this on a Latino Sexuality website, and that is for several reasons. First, Latinos can be of any race especially with the racial formation that is created and held in the US. Second, do we think this idea and belief (and fact!) that "Black females are valued by no one" excludes any other women of Color? This can clearly be applied to anyone who is considered "Other." Third, this affects all of us. Fourth, I believe we can make the same statement and include men of Color too.

As I listened to the rest of the panel, Juzang being the only Black male on a panel full of White women (the two youth were young people of Color), my palms started to sweat, I found myself restless in my seat, I zoned out and could hear my heart beat through my throbbing ears every time I swallowed my orange juice. i found myself questioning more of the panel's discussions in relation to this one statement Juzang had presented.

When the panel was opened to questions from the audience (there were about 50 people in the room), I put my pen down and put my palms on the side of my legs to absorb the sweat that had been produced. I wondered how I would ask all of my questions, should I comment on what Juzang had mentioned, would someone else bring it up besides me?

Four questions in and nobody brought it up yet. Topics of reaching youth and families who speak Spanish, how to make websites more youth friendly, and ways to reach parents were discussed. I raised my hand and was selected to comment and ask my question.

I warned participants and panelist that I had several questions and one comment. I chose to begin with my comment based on Juzang's research finding. I shared all that I wrote above about not being able to describe the feeling of seeing those words on a screen. I got choked up. I had to pause. I clinched my teeth so that I would not cry or let any tears fall. A few seconds passed and I realized the room was quiet. I looked up and saw Goddesses Rising who had invited me, looking at me with an expression of support, understanding and solidarity. I began to finish my comment and thanked Juzang for reminding me of this no matter how painful it was.

I shared with the group how Juzang's mention of educators and providers needing to understand what baggage we bring to a space resonated with me in a whole new way when this finding was presented. I realized this is my baggage. The fact that in the US I am not valued. My homegirls are not valued. We do not value one another. What kind of educator and activist am I if this is my baggage? How do I try to mask the fact that I know this to my youth? What is available or currently in existence for those of us in this field to regroup, process, and heal so that we can continue to do this work? I realized I do not have such a space and that it is sorely needed (happy hour doesn't count! Plus I'm not a huge drinker).

I've resisted writing this down because it is so painful. To be in a group of people committed to this movement of sexuality and sexual health and to have that ideology at the center of the work I do and there being no discussion of it any further than what I mentioned. I'm hurting.

I don't want to place blame on any one individual, that is not what this is about. It's about how our youth are so much more intuitive and astute than we give them credit for. They know what is going on no matter how much we think they don't. They know more than we think they do. Our youth know.

So, I ask, what is next? What do we do? How does knowing this information change how we work with our youth? How do we change our messaging? Do we discuss how our bodies have been abused, raped, ignored, tested, probed, murdered and how they continue to be? How do we create spaces for us to cope with this reality when we need it to continue the work that we do? I'm open to suggestions as I know a group of activists and educators are in the same situation as I am. We need to preserve not only or spirit, but our bodies, minds, rituals, cultures, families, community. We need to preserve and take care of ourselves and each other. A todo mi gente: I got your back.

Thank you Goddesses Rising for being present when I found myself struggling. Those few seconds gave me all the strength I needed to complete my thoughts and honor our bodies.