To take the survey now click here!
Bianca Laureano is an award-winning fierce-haired Puerto Rican LatiNegra sexologist living in New York City. For over a decade Bianca has worked with communities of Color on various topics connected to sex and sexuality. She is co-founder of The LatiNegr@s Project and hosts LatinoSexuality.com. Bianca is an independent scholar, writer, and radical educator. She identifies as a radical woman of Color and you may read more about her at BiancaLaureano.com. She is joined by an unpaid intern, Tasasha Henderson who is helping with promotion and distribution. You may contact Bianca with any questions or suggestions at LatiNegraSexologist@gmail.com.
This project is an attempt to bring LatiNegr@s, Blaktin@s, Cariben@s, Afr@Latin@s, et. al. into conversations around sex/uality. Often we are not included completely, and only presented as either ethnically Latin@ or racially Black. The questions below center demographics, resources available and used by LatiNegr@s, and forms of sex/uality information from various people in our communities.
Responses to this survey are 100% confidential and your responses will not in any way be connected to your identit(ies) unless you agree to have Bianca contact you via email for additional survey questions. If you chose not to share your contact information your response will be anonymous. This information will help begin to shift conversations and begin to provide LatiNegr@s with the opportunity to share our own experiences. The findings will be made available by July 2013 at LatinoSexuality.com and folks are welcome to use the findings in their own work to bring awareness, inclusivity, and justice to conversations about LatiNegr@s and our sexuality needs, resources, and narratives. The citation will be a communal citation and not one solely attributed to Bianca as this is a communal effort.
This is phase one of a budding multi-layered project centering LatiNegr@s and sex/uality. Additional parts of the project includes media, workshops, and community building among LatiNegr@s. If you are interested in joining other parts/phases of this project please reach out to Bianca at LatiNegraSexologist@gmail.com.
Although each question is "required" with a red *, please note if you do not want to comment or do not have anything further to share please write any word you choose (i.e. n/a, see above, etc.) to move through the survey.
Many thanks in advance for your time, input, and participation.
To take the survey click this link.
Showing posts with label latinegra. Show all posts
Showing posts with label latinegra. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
(VIDEO) Vanessa Del Rio: Goddesses, Sinners, and Saviors
If ya'll remember when I was super excited to see and hear Vanessa Del Rio read from her book in NYC that I advertised, then I hope it comes as no surprise that I'm posting this video of her that evening. My apologies to people who attended the reading and asked for me/looked for me and was told by organizers they didn't know who I was or that I was not there.
Monday, March 1, 2010
LatiNegr@s Project: Women's Herstory Month: Magia
As I shared with you yesterday, the LatiNegr@s Project is still in full effect because it is a year round endeavor! Today begins Women's Herstory Month (WHM) and I'd like to introduce to you one of my favorite female MCs: Magia of the group Obsesion y La Fabri_k.
I've seen her perform at least two times in the past decade and it is always a huge treat. I was able to purchase Obsesion's first album Un Monton De Cosas in Cuba on the first trip I took 9 years ago. Here's the foto I took the last time I saw her perform:
She is one of the first Afra-Cubana MCs and began the group Obsesion with her partner Alexie, they have since also formed a new "crew" called La Fabri_k whose goal is to "La Fábri K es un colectivo interdisciplinario que aúna a raperos, gente del mundo del teatro y otras artes para trabajar de forma autónoma en proyectos sociales en los barrios y periferias de La Habana, Cuba/ La Fabri_K is a collective of independent artists who, in a creative way, articulate projects designed to stimulate artistic development with social repercussions, through the revolutionary art of Hip Hop. In this way, they promote the true essence of this culture working with the original Hip Hop ideas, which have been distorted by the cultural and fashion industry." Here's a clip from the film trailer about the new crew as well as a few clips from the film (with English subtitles):
Last year I wrote a list of the Top Anti-Love songs and Magia's song "Te Equivocas" was on that list. It is not so much against love as it is against violence and more about self-love for mujeres. Some of her lyrics from that song have been translated and I share them with you as the have been republished from the book Cuba Represent!: Cuban Arts, State Power, and the Making of New Revolutionary Cultures, by Sujatha Fernandes (pp. 109 - 117) from this site:
You may hear her perform Niche
Here Obsesion is performing Los Pelos. I totally dig that Magia is painting the face of a doll Black. For those of you who don't follow Spanish well, she's talking about Hair, African identity, beauty, survival.
I've seen her perform at least two times in the past decade and it is always a huge treat. I was able to purchase Obsesion's first album Un Monton De Cosas in Cuba on the first trip I took 9 years ago. Here's the foto I took the last time I saw her perform:
She is one of the first Afra-Cubana MCs and began the group Obsesion with her partner Alexie, they have since also formed a new "crew" called La Fabri_k whose goal is to "La Fábri K es un colectivo interdisciplinario que aúna a raperos, gente del mundo del teatro y otras artes para trabajar de forma autónoma en proyectos sociales en los barrios y periferias de La Habana, Cuba/ La Fabri_K is a collective of independent artists who, in a creative way, articulate projects designed to stimulate artistic development with social repercussions, through the revolutionary art of Hip Hop. In this way, they promote the true essence of this culture working with the original Hip Hop ideas, which have been distorted by the cultural and fashion industry." Here's a clip from the film trailer about the new crew as well as a few clips from the film (with English subtitles):
Last year I wrote a list of the Top Anti-Love songs and Magia's song "Te Equivocas" was on that list. It is not so much against love as it is against violence and more about self-love for mujeres. Some of her lyrics from that song have been translated and I share them with you as the have been republished from the book Cuba Represent!: Cuban Arts, State Power, and the Making of New Revolutionary Cultures, by Sujatha Fernandes (pp. 109 - 117) from this site:
Magia derides an ex-lover who has mistreated her and she asserts her rights to her body and her sexuality. Magia tells her ex-lover that he is no longer welcome in her life, she is not the weak and dependent girl that he thinks she is: "You are wrong to tell me I would die to kiss your mouth." Magia attacks the machismo and egoism of her ex-lover: "With egoism made machismo, you yourself fell into an immense abyss of false manhood." Magia demonstrates that the myths created by her ex-lover about his virility and manhood are false. He is not worth even one-thousandth of all she has gone through for him and he has denied her happiness. She tells him that she will no longer be used by him: "I have finished being your toy." This kind of assertion of female agency has a history in black popular culture, which dates back to American blues women and Cuban rumba. Women rap artists continue this legacy of negotiating sexuality and power with their lovers and asserting their presence as sexual beings, not objects.
You may hear her perform Niche
Here Obsesion is performing Los Pelos. I totally dig that Magia is painting the face of a doll Black. For those of you who don't follow Spanish well, she's talking about Hair, African identity, beauty, survival.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
LatiNegr@s Project: Sylvia del Villard
Ten years ago today Sylvia del Villard, activist, dancer, choreographer, actor, and performer, died of lung cancer. Growing up in Puerto Rico, Sylvia atteneded and graduated from the University of Puerto Rico and traveled throughout the US performing. She, like many of her contemporaries, found herself in NYC. It was here that she founded the Afro-Boricua El Coqui Theater.
Her goals during her adult life was to incorporate elements of African identity, tradition, rituals, symbols, dance, and movement into her Puerto Rican training and performances. When she died, in her early 60s, she was said to be working on a piece entitled "Africa Puerto."
In NYC there is the Sylvia Del Villard Hall Program, a part of The Roberto Clemente Center, named after her that provides mental health services to people living in the Lower East Side. A film was created in 2003 calle Ocho Puertas that features her. However, in the trailer, I do not see her in the images nor have I seen the film.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
LatiNegr@s Project: Prof. Susurro
For the last week of Black History Month and for the LatiNegr@s Project, I've decided to send out some questions to LatiNegr@s in my life who I've learned from, been mentored by, and have built community with and share them with you all. I thank each of them for agreeing to share their lives with us and to share them publicly. Today's interviewee is someone I'm very proud to have entered my life via social media as a source of affirmation, support, and mentorship: Prof. Susurro
Q. How do you want to be identified?
Q. What identities do you embrace/have/claim?
Q. Do you have a preference regarding the terms LatiNegr@, Afr@-Latin@, etc? If so, which one and why?
Q. What images/texts/narratives were available to you growing up about Afra-Latina?
Q. Is there a specific or pivotal time in your life that stands out as being imperative to your consciousness as a Afra-Latina?
Q. What are your thoughts about the lived experiences of Afra-Latin@s all over the world having similar experiences with those living in the US (i.e. HIV rates).
Q. What symbols/rituals/etc. are important to you for maintaining community (locally, internationally, virtually) with other Afra-Latin@s?
Q. Were there any lessons/ideologies/norms that you had to “unlearn” as you evolved into your identities? If so, will you share some with us?
Q. Is there a book/image/quote/artifact/etc. that is important to you to symbolize your identity? If so, will you share one with us?
Q. What else would you like to share with readers?
Q. Is there a way readers can reach you through social media?
Many thanks to Prof.Susurro for sharing! Please go find her on the web and visit her virtual homes. Don't forget to visit the LatiNegr@s Tumblr Page and consider submitting something. The page will be available year-round as people are welcome to submit as often as they like.
Q. How do you want to be identified?
A. [Prof] Susurro. Like a Whisper Blog. decolonized anti-racist feminist blogger & queer pop culture critic
Q. What identities do you embrace/have/claim?
A. radical woc activist - the rest you can glean in context
Q. Do you have a preference regarding the terms LatiNegr@, Afr@-Latin@, etc? If so, which one and why?
A. I prefer Afra-Latina because "negra", though descriptive in nature has often been used to differentiate between "good" and "bad" qualities and/or people or to mark difference, & tho we pretend it has no real racial meanings those meanings are always there and more acutely so to transmigrants who travel between racial systems and thus are often exposed to their hegemonic practices in ways that ppl born here or there are not.
Q. What images/texts/narratives were available to you growing up about Afra-Latina?
A. I think this question is complicated. There are tons of Afr@-Latin@ images, both positive and negative available in most countries with high percentages of Afr@-Latin@s outisde of the U.S. but positive images, with the exception of Celia Cruz, were not always marked as Afr@-Latin@. So for instance, you don't call previous presidents or revolutionaries who ousted colonial rule Afr@-Latin@ presidents or leaders, but if someone is running for president who is Afr@ Latin@ and the establishment doesn't like them you call them "black" and wonder about their real origins . . . So I would say that I could think of positive examples/images of Afr@-Latin@s in music, sport, medicine, education, the government, literature, etc. but that they were not associated with "blackness" nor was the term Afr@-Latin@ ever applied to them with few exceptions.
Q. Is there a specific or pivotal time in your life that stands out as being imperative to your consciousness as a Afra-Latina?
A. No. I am biracial (or multiracial if you prefer) so blackness has always been a conscious identity in my family; my family is pretty political about all of our ethno-religious and racial identities come to think of it. There was never a time we weren't taught to be proud of all of the mezclado and since my parents and grandparents are all pretty political folks, there was always discussion about cultural struggle, history, and intersectionality going on at our house. It was nice.
Q. What are your thoughts about the lived experiences of Afra-Latin@s all over the world having similar experiences with those living in the US (i.e. HIV rates).
A. diasporas are like trees, the limbs may be distinct but the roots are one. In that way we are all connected and our positive experiences and cultural expressions come from that connection. Unfortunately, colonialism is also like that in the sense that any given place has a specific colonial history through which racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, etc. get enacted but ultimately marginalization of certain identities are born from the root of that poison tree, & this is why we also share things like poor health, higher death rates from curable diseases, larger unemployment, etc.
Q. What symbols/rituals/etc. are important to you for maintaining community (locally, internationally, virtually) with other Afra-Latin@s?
A. This seems cheesy but certain favorite foods of mine, and the way they are eaten, are often key to feeling connected or creating connection after long absence as is old school music. I can't tell you how many times students have drifted into my office b/c they hear a particular song playing on my computer that reminds them of "home".
Q. Were there any lessons/ideologies/norms that you had to “unlearn” as you evolved into your identities? If so, will you share some with us?
A. Nope, see question 5. I feel very lucky about this b/c I spend a lot of time with people in my personal life, social service work, and academic life who have so much to unlearn or who don't know it is ok to believe black is beautiful and love themselves.
Q. Is there a book/image/quote/artifact/etc. that is important to you to symbolize your identity? If so, will you share one with us?
A. There are far too many to list and the funny thing is they represent a wide range of identities, places, and world views; I think people would be surprised @ what they'd find on my list.
Q. What else would you like to share with readers?
A. Cheesy as this is: know your history/ies, trust that you are beautiful, strong, and intelligent, and spend your energy on building community, justice, and your own self-esteem rather than raining down the hateration or reacting to others who do and you will be surprised at what you will learn about your culture/s, communities, and self.
Q. Is there a way readers can reach you through social media?
A. I blog @ Like A Whisper & have twitter & occasionally I answer formspring but mostly not.
Many thanks to Prof.Susurro for sharing! Please go find her on the web and visit her virtual homes. Don't forget to visit the LatiNegr@s Tumblr Page and consider submitting something. The page will be available year-round as people are welcome to submit as often as they like.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
LatiNegr@s Project:Rev. Xiomara
For the last week of Black History Month and for the LatiNegr@s Project, I've decided to send out some questions to LatiNegr@s in my life who I've learned from, been mentored by, and have built community with and share them with you all. I thank each of them for agreeing to share their lives with us and to share them publicly. Today's interviewee is my homegirl: Jen.
Q. How do you want to be identified?
A. La Mariposa Roja, Indigrrl55, and Rev. Xiomara.
Q. What identities do you embrace/have/claim?
A. I identify as a Woman, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Partner, Boriqua, Taina, Kanaka Maoli, India, LatiNegra, Triguenita, Mulatta, A Brooklynite, a Native NYer, Americana, My primary language is English although it is not my first language. My sexual orientation is fluid, omnisexual, pansexual, and/or queer.
Q. Do you have a preference regarding the terms LatiNegr@, Afr@-Latin@, etc? If so, which one and why?
A. I don’t really. I think that both terms accurately describe my heritage; however I find that I have met African Americans that negate my African heritage because they feel I am not entitled to use that. I have been told that I am “too lite-bright” – that my hair is “too fine” and that I “don’t look black.” All of which never cease to amaze me!
Q. What images/texts/narratives were available to you growing up about LatiNegr@s?
A. I am fortunate to have grown up in a household where there was a lot of Afro-Cuban, Brazillian and salsa music. La Lupe, Celia Cruz, Tito Rodrigues, Compay Segundo, Omara Portoundo, Sergio Mendes, Mongo Santamaria, ect. So I was exposed to many images of beautiful, strong Afro-Latino’s. During visits to Puerto Rico we would visit family in Loiza and near my Tio’s house there was a shanty where they played Bomba y Plena. It was so beautiful and primal and I could not help but want to move my body. It was a really moving experience. Unfortunately that was the only place in the media where I had that experience.
Q. Is there a specific or pivotal time in your life that stands out as being imperative to your consciousness as a LatiNegr@?
A. When I was younger we live in Brooklyn and I guess we were surrounded by many other families that were Caribbean, West Indian and many other Puerto Ricans that were LatiNegro so we didn’t really stick out, we felt it was very normal. However when I was 10 we moved to Brentwood on Long Island and we were the only Puerto Rican family in my neighborhood. When we started school a lot of the Puerto Ricans we went to school with identified as white so it was the first time I was questioned about my Latina heritage. People felt that my hair was too curly and I was too brown to be Puerto Rican. It was then that I first had to really think about my ancestry and what it was that made me LatiNegra. It was the reflection that gave me a connection to my “otherness” and an appreciation for who and what I was.
Q. What are your thoughts about the lived experiences of LatiNegr@s all over the world having similar experiences with those living in the US (i.e. HIV rates).
A. I think that in the US many LatiNegros are blended in to African American culture and their experiences, history, cultural needs are negated. I don’t know enough about what happens in other countries to make an accurate comparison.
Q. What symbols/rituals/etc. are important to you for maintaining community (locally, internationally, virtually) with other LatiNegr@s?
A. Unfortunately I am no longer active in a Santeria house, which is where I felt I was able to reconnect and embrace my Latinegra community connection. It was the only place where everyone was open to accepting the African part of their culture, the music, dancing, ritual and foods of those events made me feel connected, not only to the people in the room, but to People who danced to that music before me and would dance to the same songs after me. It was an electric feeling.
Q. Is there a book/image/quote/artifact/etc. that is important to you to symbolize your identity? If so, will you share one with us?
A. I have two favorite paintings by Luis Germàn Cajiga, I feel like they are symbols my my identity, heritage and diversity. Jibarita, which is just a beautiful brown girl walking in what appears to be the countryside. To me it just embraces the simple beauty of the women from Puerto Rico.
The other is BaileBomba, which reminds me of going to Puerto Rico as a young girl during the Patronales and watching the people dance in Vejigante mask, the sounds of the drums and the feeling that something deep inside of me needed to move.
Q. What else would you like to share with readers?
A. Those of us who identify as LatiNegra/o should make it a priority to embrace all aspects of our heritage, and retain the foods and cultural customs because for many of us it it’s the only inheritance that we have.
Q. Is there a way readers can reach you through social media?
A. I am on Twitter, my blog, and my flickr.
Many thanks to Jen for sharing! Please go find her on the web and visit her virtual homes. Don't forget to visit the LatiNegr@s Tumblr Page and consider submitting something. The page will be available year-round as people are welcome to submit as often as they like.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Sex Toy Giveaway!
As many of you know I'm a LatiNegra Sexologist. I also write and review a lot of things going on in the sexual science field from books, to popular culture, to yes sex toys! I have a ton of them in my home that are brand new and need new homes!
I'm doing the First Sex Toy Giveaway of 2010! Here's the rule:
I have 4 toys to giveaway so that means up to 4 winners! Here's what you got to do:
1. Post a comment that does the following:
A. Identify a LatiNegr@ that has NOT been featured yet for the LatiNegr@s Project on this site or any others (i.e. Like A Whisper y Inside My Head y Chronicles Of The American Pupusa).
B. Share some information about the LatiNegr@ you have selected (if available websites, videos, fotos, etc.)
C. Submit by February 28, 2010 at MIDNIGHT to be eligible!
D. Make sure there is some way for me to contact you (i.e. link to your virtual home, leaving your email etc.)
E. Agree to have your contribution posted on the LatiNegr@s Tumblr Page (either by myself or you).
I'm doing the First Sex Toy Giveaway of 2010! Here's the rule:
I have 4 toys to giveaway so that means up to 4 winners! Here's what you got to do:
1. Post a comment that does the following:
A. Identify a LatiNegr@ that has NOT been featured yet for the LatiNegr@s Project on this site or any others (i.e. Like A Whisper y Inside My Head y Chronicles Of The American Pupusa).
B. Share some information about the LatiNegr@ you have selected (if available websites, videos, fotos, etc.)
C. Submit by February 28, 2010 at MIDNIGHT to be eligible!
D. Make sure there is some way for me to contact you (i.e. link to your virtual home, leaving your email etc.)
E. Agree to have your contribution posted on the LatiNegr@s Tumblr Page (either by myself or you).
Thursday, February 18, 2010
LatiNegr@s Project: Epsy Campbell Barr
A LatiNegra from Costa Rica whose grandparents are Jamaican, Epsy Campbell Barr is a politician and has worked with the Human Rights of Women and People of African Descent. She has announced her intention to run for President of Costa Rica under the Partido Acción Ciudadana/Citizen Action Party. We will discover what the Costa Rican people decide in late May 2010 (YES, less than 3 months!). Here is a video of her announcing her candidacy:
She's said at UNICEF Consultative Group of Afro-descendant Leaders meetings:
The biggest problem facing Afro-descendent children is exclusion. We can see exclusion in the face of health, education and social justice. We have the highest HIV infection rates, the highest infant mortality rates, and many of our children run into trouble with the law.
She could be speaking of the US, no? Interesting how the social construction of race and how we are classified is very similar in some contexts. Here she speaks about how women can be included in politics in Central and Latin America
You may also follow her on twitter!
foto credit: aldia.cr
Friday, February 12, 2010
LatiNegr@s Project: María Isabel Urrutia
A Afro-Colombian Olympic gold medal winner in weightlifting, today María Isabel Urrutia holds a seat in the House of Representatives in Colombia. Over a decade as an athlete at the Olympic level, Urrutia won Colombia's first and only gold medal in history with the women's 75kg.
As a politician, Urrutia has advocated against government corruption and centered the poor and working-class during her tenure. She's said what makes a good weightlifter is "A mix of physical and mental strength. The person who is strong, cool and calculating tends to do very well." I'd argue the same is for politicians.
foto credit: movimientopolitocoasa.com
foto credit: elpais.com
foto credit: co.terra.com
Saturday, February 6, 2010
LatiNegr@s Project: Week One Roundup
As you know, Black History Month (BHM) has begun and so has the LatiNegr@s Project. Here are several pieces that have been written and shared throughout the virtual homes of several contributors:
*Poet and Author Anthony wrote two posts this week. The first was a call to action for the LatiNegr@s Project and the next his memories and connection to the legacy and life of Roberto Clemente.
*Activist Liza Sabatar has pulled a few highlights from her decade of writing about her identity as a blatina and shares them with us. She is also one of the few (if not the only) LatiNegra who was included on The Root's Black Twitter: A Starter Kit.
*Prof.Susurro continues her highlight of community members for BHM (something you need to read on a weekly basis) and updates her site weekly. Her first posting including LatiNegr@s is on performance artist/activist Josefina Baez. She also has features on Dr. Marisa Richmond, the first Black trans woman to win a Tennessee election.
*My homeboy from back home, Hugo, shares his connection to and experience with the late Jean Michel Basquiat on his virtual home Chronicles of the American Pupusa where his muses focus mainly on popular culture and musica.
*Efrain Ortiz, Jr. had share information on Arturo Alfonso Shomburg on his virtual home Efrain's Corner and on our Tumblr page.
*Our project was also featured this week on Global Voices in a feature story "Latin America: Celebrating The Contributions of Afro-Latinos" to much support.
Please don't forget to visit the LatiNegr@s Tumblr Page and submit something! Please note the submit page is a different site address.
*Poet and Author Anthony wrote two posts this week. The first was a call to action for the LatiNegr@s Project and the next his memories and connection to the legacy and life of Roberto Clemente.
*Activist Liza Sabatar has pulled a few highlights from her decade of writing about her identity as a blatina and shares them with us. She is also one of the few (if not the only) LatiNegra who was included on The Root's Black Twitter: A Starter Kit.
*Prof.Susurro continues her highlight of community members for BHM (something you need to read on a weekly basis) and updates her site weekly. Her first posting including LatiNegr@s is on performance artist/activist Josefina Baez. She also has features on Dr. Marisa Richmond, the first Black trans woman to win a Tennessee election.
*My homeboy from back home, Hugo, shares his connection to and experience with the late Jean Michel Basquiat on his virtual home Chronicles of the American Pupusa where his muses focus mainly on popular culture and musica.
*Efrain Ortiz, Jr. had share information on Arturo Alfonso Shomburg on his virtual home Efrain's Corner and on our Tumblr page.
*Our project was also featured this week on Global Voices in a feature story "Latin America: Celebrating The Contributions of Afro-Latinos" to much support.
Please don't forget to visit the LatiNegr@s Tumblr Page and submit something! Please note the submit page is a different site address.
Monday, February 1, 2010
LatiNegr@s Project Begins
I've partnered with some fabulous people to help increase the awareness of LatiNegr@s during Black History Month.
Please consider submitting something to our LatiNegr@s Tumblr page. You may submit a video, foto, website, link, quote, whatever you'd like that you think represents LatiNegr@s!
Meet the co-collaborators:
LatiNegro is a writer and poet who helped create this project from its inception! He writes at Inside My Head where you can read his poetry and reflexive musings.
Prof.Susurro writes at Like A Whisper and always has amazing intersectional analysis on everything from current events, popular culture, feminisms, and social justice agendas.
YOU! We'd love to have more folks contributing in any way they can virtually or in other ways. Please contact one of us! If you have people you think would be great to join in on contributing let us know that too and we will reach out to them.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
(Untitled) Still Working Through It All
I woke up this morning in tears. Sobbing. I was dreaming/remembering a conversation I had with my Papi a few years ago when I was visiting home. It all started when I was thinking of one of my past lovers and the moment I knew I wanted to be with him, then this memory comes to me.
You see, I was remembering one of the moments I knew I wanted to be with my past lover was because he got out of the car to help me adjust the seat of his luxury vehicle that I've never been in and didn't know how to maneuver. When we realized the seat would not go back any further I asked him if he wanted me to pull my hair back so he could see better at night to drive me home. He said that wasn't necessary. I wanted to kiss him for saying that and believing it!
As I remembered/dreamed I knew why I had asked him that: my Papi has often commented on me having to pull my hair back when he drives because he can't see past it. The last time I remember him saying this to me I recall telling him that it was hurtful and crying as he drove us to wherever we were going. He hasn't said anything similar to me in almost 2 years. Pero I haven't visited home often, and I know he still thinks it when he looks at me. Instead he now says "are you going to go like that?" or "are you ready?"
When my sister lived with my mother and heard my father ask me this she would tell him and me to stop; to just leave as we were all ready. I would sit in the front so that I wouldn't obstruct any views from behind him. When she drives she never mentions it. She knows how it hurts as her appearance has been scrutinized by our family too. For her, it's her gender identity that remains female, but her gender expression that frustrate(d) them. I still call her a "soft butch" just cause she's my baby sister and has the cutest round cheeks!
I'm the "femme" daughter with the long hair who is into make up and dresses. But even my gender expression isn't good enough for my family. You see I'm literally and figuratively the black sheep of my family. I do not look like anyone in my family. I am the "throw back" as my past lover said once. I am the proof that rape and pillage occurred in our Spanish-nobility filled family tree. The main issues are that although I look like a woman, I can look like a Black woman, or be mistaken for a Black woman or a woman that has some Blackness in her (because I do!).
I've commented on my experience and identity as LatiNegra and also on my discovering my pelo vivo. Yet I haven't written, or rather completed something that shares what I mean, or what I've experienced, or how I came to such decisions about who I am and how I want to identify myself. I see this as a part of that discussion.
My parents racially pass and identify as White. Ethnically they identify as Puerto Rican. I can only guess that prior to being able to fill out my own boxes my parents also identified me as White too. In college I didn't fill out a race box I just checked ethnicity if it was offered. But I always knew I was not like the rest of my family. I knew I could not pass for White. I knew that I was not White in the way it was meant to include and exclude. I knew this. I know this.
There are times when I believe that my parents just didn't know what to do with me. Nobody told them they would have to raise a woman of Color. They did not expect me to grow into what I am today. They were not ready to see a child they both created grow into someone neither of them recognized. I am not the "mini me" people think they will get when they give birth to their children. Do my parents realize that they have raised a woman of Color? Do they take pride in that?
My earliest memory is when I was about 5-6 years old and visiting family in Puerto Rico and being taken to the hair salon. I watched as my curls fell off my head and I left with a "pixie" hair cut. I remember crying because I didn't want to be seen or mistaken for a boy. Today I think there was more to that fear of being considered something other than female. I hated it when people complimented me on losing my curls. My hair looked straight when it really wasn't. My mother tells me that my hair went "back and forth" between straight and curly until one day it just stayed curly.
I used to want to straighten my hair because that is what I saw and because I was never taught how to manage my curls. My mother would help me put my hair in huge curlers so I would have softer rounder curls but still straight hair. I remember her telling me one time that I wanted her help that models wanted hair like mine. This is one of the last times I remember her complimenting me in such a way. It made me feel like I had something important and valuable. I didn't realize how much I had learned to keep straightening my hair to understand what she was saying to me. In her own way I think she was trying to encourage me to stop going through the ritual of straightening my hair.
I say that light skinned girls with long straight hair and green eyes were "in" when I was in high school and this is one of the only reasons I got out of there alive: because I fit that aesthetic of beauty at the time.
I was never told I was pretty, beautiful, a princess, cute, or any other terms people use to describe little girls, or young girls. My body was never affirmed. I grew up being dissected. My parents would, and still do today, sit and look at me and think about what parts of my face and body resemble members of the family. I've been told I have my paternal great grandmother's high cheekbones. That my maternal grandfather has "light eyes" and my mother would remind me that her hair is curly too. Yet our curls are different. I'm built like my father who is 6'3" and have his hands and feet. I have my mother's freckles across my cheeks and nose and on the top of my hands. Unlike my mother whose freckles are out year round and who burns in the sun; my freckles are hard to see and stand out more when I get sunkissed.
The last time I was home this year my parents did this. The three of us seated on my mother's oversized couch while they both looked at me and spoke about me as if I was not present. Or maybe they think having such conversations will affirm that I am apart of the family. I've never questioned my parents were not my parents even though the only other person whom I look the most like in the family (we can almost pass as twins) is a cousin who was adopted. I know my parents are my biological ones. It's just not as obvious as it is with my sister, who when you look at her you instantly see the similarities. I yelled at them to stop dissecting me. They saw I was upset and uncomfortable so started a conversation about another topic with one another.
My mother use to introduce me to friends, coworkers, people in the community. She says it with pride: "This is my daughter Bianca, she lives in New York." I can see the surprise that people have when they see me. Almost 100% of the time their eyebrows raise and they have an expression of "WOW" which they follow up with a hello. I remember the last time my father introduced me to someone, a friend of his who owned a Middle Eastern market, he said "This is my daughter Bianca. Look at her eyes! Look at her eyes!"
My green eyes are the Whitest thing about me.
I hate that. Nobody says "look at her nose" or "look at her cheekbones" and never "look at her hair." When my paternal grandfather died suddenly in 2005 and we all went to Puerto Rico I feared what people would say to me about the way I looked. I had stopped straightening my hair. I was still fat (being fat was always something some of my family members would talk about). But I realized that the attention was not on me this time it was on my sister and her gender expression. Even though I was fat and had big hair and looked "Black," it was still clear I was a woman. It was not so with my sister. I realized we both have struggled with our appearance and acceptance and affirmation in our own ways. I was so hung up on my own stuff that I didn't realize until much later how she was hurt too.
What I think hurts the most right now is not the memories of how my image and the racialized standards of beauty were transmitted to me, but more so how I see them acted out in right this second. When I stay with my mother, she will stand in the doorway of the bathroom as I fix my hair or sit next to me and watch me put on my make up. I dislike that she watches me fix my hair. I've asked her why she does it and she says she wants to see what I do. I feel like an animal at the zoo being watched. I don't so much mind the make up because it was her and my father that taught and encouraged me to use color and play with color. We bond on make up very much. We are both femme.
One of the most painful things has been watching my Papi partner with women (my parents have been separated for over 13 years, have a very good and respectful relationship from what I can tell, and my Papi has had the same girlfriend for over 5 years). He has chosen a partner that is the complete opposite of me physically and visually.
I've read a lot about folks from interracial families and about interracial dating. What I have not read a lot about is when parents partner with people who are visually, aesthetically, and racially the opposite of their children and how we cope with that selection. I know I've taken his selection personally because it is personal. He has found a blond, blue-eyed, petite Puerto Rican woman to partner with and that is something and someone I will never be (nor do I aspire to be). It stings.
It stings in ways that I just can't describe.
It stings because I read his selection as his preference over everything I am. I read his preference as not ever seeing anything of beauty, worth, or desire in me and what I represent. Logically I know his choice in his partner is not directly any conscious decision towards me or our relationship. I know he loves me, is proud of what I've accomplished. I also know he doesn't think I'm beautiful.
It's odd how there are things you wish you told past lovers before you separated. For me I wish I told my past lover that the woman my father partnered with sent me a message about who I am and how he sees me. That his partner selection, who he allows to meet or be around his children, may impact them in ways he may not ever understand. To be mindful of this as his children are still young, younger than I was when my parents separated and he partnered with someone else. That as a father he has so much power in affirming his only daughter's identity and sense of self.
I have the privilege of still having my Papi in my life. Of being raised by him in a way where he never led me to believe that I couldn't do something because I was a girl, or femme, loving art, or liking music, or wanting something non-traditional. I never questioned his character or if he was someone who would/could hurt others because I know he is not. His bark is bigger than his bite. He hugs me when he sees me. He leaves me kisses on my voicemail. He sings me songs on the telephone with his guitar. He still makes me feel safe. I know he loves me. I have to work through this with him one day. It just stings too much right now.
You see, I was remembering one of the moments I knew I wanted to be with my past lover was because he got out of the car to help me adjust the seat of his luxury vehicle that I've never been in and didn't know how to maneuver. When we realized the seat would not go back any further I asked him if he wanted me to pull my hair back so he could see better at night to drive me home. He said that wasn't necessary. I wanted to kiss him for saying that and believing it!
As I remembered/dreamed I knew why I had asked him that: my Papi has often commented on me having to pull my hair back when he drives because he can't see past it. The last time I remember him saying this to me I recall telling him that it was hurtful and crying as he drove us to wherever we were going. He hasn't said anything similar to me in almost 2 years. Pero I haven't visited home often, and I know he still thinks it when he looks at me. Instead he now says "are you going to go like that?" or "are you ready?"
When my sister lived with my mother and heard my father ask me this she would tell him and me to stop; to just leave as we were all ready. I would sit in the front so that I wouldn't obstruct any views from behind him. When she drives she never mentions it. She knows how it hurts as her appearance has been scrutinized by our family too. For her, it's her gender identity that remains female, but her gender expression that frustrate(d) them. I still call her a "soft butch" just cause she's my baby sister and has the cutest round cheeks!
I'm the "femme" daughter with the long hair who is into make up and dresses. But even my gender expression isn't good enough for my family. You see I'm literally and figuratively the black sheep of my family. I do not look like anyone in my family. I am the "throw back" as my past lover said once. I am the proof that rape and pillage occurred in our Spanish-nobility filled family tree. The main issues are that although I look like a woman, I can look like a Black woman, or be mistaken for a Black woman or a woman that has some Blackness in her (because I do!).
I've commented on my experience and identity as LatiNegra and also on my discovering my pelo vivo. Yet I haven't written, or rather completed something that shares what I mean, or what I've experienced, or how I came to such decisions about who I am and how I want to identify myself. I see this as a part of that discussion.
My parents racially pass and identify as White. Ethnically they identify as Puerto Rican. I can only guess that prior to being able to fill out my own boxes my parents also identified me as White too. In college I didn't fill out a race box I just checked ethnicity if it was offered. But I always knew I was not like the rest of my family. I knew I could not pass for White. I knew that I was not White in the way it was meant to include and exclude. I knew this. I know this.
There are times when I believe that my parents just didn't know what to do with me. Nobody told them they would have to raise a woman of Color. They did not expect me to grow into what I am today. They were not ready to see a child they both created grow into someone neither of them recognized. I am not the "mini me" people think they will get when they give birth to their children. Do my parents realize that they have raised a woman of Color? Do they take pride in that?
My earliest memory is when I was about 5-6 years old and visiting family in Puerto Rico and being taken to the hair salon. I watched as my curls fell off my head and I left with a "pixie" hair cut. I remember crying because I didn't want to be seen or mistaken for a boy. Today I think there was more to that fear of being considered something other than female. I hated it when people complimented me on losing my curls. My hair looked straight when it really wasn't. My mother tells me that my hair went "back and forth" between straight and curly until one day it just stayed curly.
I used to want to straighten my hair because that is what I saw and because I was never taught how to manage my curls. My mother would help me put my hair in huge curlers so I would have softer rounder curls but still straight hair. I remember her telling me one time that I wanted her help that models wanted hair like mine. This is one of the last times I remember her complimenting me in such a way. It made me feel like I had something important and valuable. I didn't realize how much I had learned to keep straightening my hair to understand what she was saying to me. In her own way I think she was trying to encourage me to stop going through the ritual of straightening my hair.
I say that light skinned girls with long straight hair and green eyes were "in" when I was in high school and this is one of the only reasons I got out of there alive: because I fit that aesthetic of beauty at the time.
I was never told I was pretty, beautiful, a princess, cute, or any other terms people use to describe little girls, or young girls. My body was never affirmed. I grew up being dissected. My parents would, and still do today, sit and look at me and think about what parts of my face and body resemble members of the family. I've been told I have my paternal great grandmother's high cheekbones. That my maternal grandfather has "light eyes" and my mother would remind me that her hair is curly too. Yet our curls are different. I'm built like my father who is 6'3" and have his hands and feet. I have my mother's freckles across my cheeks and nose and on the top of my hands. Unlike my mother whose freckles are out year round and who burns in the sun; my freckles are hard to see and stand out more when I get sunkissed.
The last time I was home this year my parents did this. The three of us seated on my mother's oversized couch while they both looked at me and spoke about me as if I was not present. Or maybe they think having such conversations will affirm that I am apart of the family. I've never questioned my parents were not my parents even though the only other person whom I look the most like in the family (we can almost pass as twins) is a cousin who was adopted. I know my parents are my biological ones. It's just not as obvious as it is with my sister, who when you look at her you instantly see the similarities. I yelled at them to stop dissecting me. They saw I was upset and uncomfortable so started a conversation about another topic with one another.
My mother use to introduce me to friends, coworkers, people in the community. She says it with pride: "This is my daughter Bianca, she lives in New York." I can see the surprise that people have when they see me. Almost 100% of the time their eyebrows raise and they have an expression of "WOW" which they follow up with a hello. I remember the last time my father introduced me to someone, a friend of his who owned a Middle Eastern market, he said "This is my daughter Bianca. Look at her eyes! Look at her eyes!"
My green eyes are the Whitest thing about me.
I hate that. Nobody says "look at her nose" or "look at her cheekbones" and never "look at her hair." When my paternal grandfather died suddenly in 2005 and we all went to Puerto Rico I feared what people would say to me about the way I looked. I had stopped straightening my hair. I was still fat (being fat was always something some of my family members would talk about). But I realized that the attention was not on me this time it was on my sister and her gender expression. Even though I was fat and had big hair and looked "Black," it was still clear I was a woman. It was not so with my sister. I realized we both have struggled with our appearance and acceptance and affirmation in our own ways. I was so hung up on my own stuff that I didn't realize until much later how she was hurt too.
What I think hurts the most right now is not the memories of how my image and the racialized standards of beauty were transmitted to me, but more so how I see them acted out in right this second. When I stay with my mother, she will stand in the doorway of the bathroom as I fix my hair or sit next to me and watch me put on my make up. I dislike that she watches me fix my hair. I've asked her why she does it and she says she wants to see what I do. I feel like an animal at the zoo being watched. I don't so much mind the make up because it was her and my father that taught and encouraged me to use color and play with color. We bond on make up very much. We are both femme.
One of the most painful things has been watching my Papi partner with women (my parents have been separated for over 13 years, have a very good and respectful relationship from what I can tell, and my Papi has had the same girlfriend for over 5 years). He has chosen a partner that is the complete opposite of me physically and visually.
I've read a lot about folks from interracial families and about interracial dating. What I have not read a lot about is when parents partner with people who are visually, aesthetically, and racially the opposite of their children and how we cope with that selection. I know I've taken his selection personally because it is personal. He has found a blond, blue-eyed, petite Puerto Rican woman to partner with and that is something and someone I will never be (nor do I aspire to be). It stings.
It stings in ways that I just can't describe.
It stings because I read his selection as his preference over everything I am. I read his preference as not ever seeing anything of beauty, worth, or desire in me and what I represent. Logically I know his choice in his partner is not directly any conscious decision towards me or our relationship. I know he loves me, is proud of what I've accomplished. I also know he doesn't think I'm beautiful.
It's odd how there are things you wish you told past lovers before you separated. For me I wish I told my past lover that the woman my father partnered with sent me a message about who I am and how he sees me. That his partner selection, who he allows to meet or be around his children, may impact them in ways he may not ever understand. To be mindful of this as his children are still young, younger than I was when my parents separated and he partnered with someone else. That as a father he has so much power in affirming his only daughter's identity and sense of self.
I have the privilege of still having my Papi in my life. Of being raised by him in a way where he never led me to believe that I couldn't do something because I was a girl, or femme, loving art, or liking music, or wanting something non-traditional. I never questioned his character or if he was someone who would/could hurt others because I know he is not. His bark is bigger than his bite. He hugs me when he sees me. He leaves me kisses on my voicemail. He sings me songs on the telephone with his guitar. He still makes me feel safe. I know he loves me. I have to work through this with him one day. It just stings too much right now.
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