Latinx Heritage Month: #FemmeInMourning 24

Tell people that you love them.

I can't remember who it was that hugged me each time she saw me and would whisper in my ear that she loved me. The feeling of a warm body against you holding your back and putting their mouth to your ear to whisper how they love you is deep and warm and affirming. I wanted to do the same for others. We all need to be feeling that way as often as possible.

I started to hug people and tell them that I love them. I would do this often, and now each time. Even when I don't hear it back I let people know. It's important to me that they know I care for them so much that it is a form of love. Sometimes I can't show up for us the way I would like, yet I hope people know and remember that I try to find ways to show love to so many people.

Each time I chose to send a "you good?" text or a "checking in on you" text that's me showing love. I hope people feel that love when they receive those texts. Sometimes I use these texts as a way to lift myself up when I'm overwhelmed or just stuck in the despair of what is next.

I'm unapologetic with my love because why wouldn't I be? If love is this thing we all are craving and moving towards and grounded in why should I be embarrassed or cover up what I'm experiencing it fully? It's the same with my experiences with grief: I'm not hiding them or embarrassed when they arrive. I chose to love and grieve publicly. That's how this life is going to be and I'm ok with that for now.

Read post 23 here.

Lesson 2: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist

Lesson:

You will be in love again, and again, and again.

Life Lesson:

The "love" you will know will shift and change. It will be a love of life, work, career, knowledge, people, expansion, community, lovers, body, family, emotion, movement, spirit, expression, health, it will be so layered and complex. You will learn about love through your work as a sexologist. These lessons will be unlike any other person may learn in any other field. Sometimes only other folks in the sexology and sex work field may understand. Sometimes they will be yours to keep to and for yourself. Sometimes folks will not ever understand, but that doesn't make the lesson or the love any less important or valid or transformative.

Sometimes it may feel lonely. Remember you are surrounded by love, so that loneliness is about holding onto something that is not a reality for you, but a reality for someone else. You will teach others about this love the way your body moves, the way you feed yourself, the way you divest in things that do not bring you what you need and desire, the way you invest in people and things and spaces. You will have all you need.

And when you find the partner you will be with for the remainder of this life's work it will be a challenge. A constant struggle. One that is rooted in the deepest forms of compassion and intimacy that will test you in ways that hurt, ache, vibrate you to your core. It will all be worth it each step of the way. You will find support that will bring you to tears, bring you to your knees, make you question your existence. And each time you will be surrounded by love, touched with loving hands and spirit. This is where you need to be.

Lean into the love as your Irish lookout tells you each time you call her hysterical and speaking in dolphin. The love is there to lean on.

Look at what you've written on this subject:

How Do You Discuss The Multiple Layers of Love?  (February 2010)
Preparing for 'the talk' with your Child (February 2010)

For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com

February Giveaway!

It's been a while since I offered a giveaway and I'd like to do it again (and again and again!). This year I'm proud to offer a FREE 2013 Sylvia Rivera Law Project Calendar! This calendar I have in my home as one of my best friends gave it to me as a gift for the end of the year. This friend is one of the greatest loves of my life and in their purchasing the calendar for me they accidentally purchased two so I received two calendars.

I'd like to offer the second to one of my amazing readers. Here's information about the calendar:

Designed to support the ongoing work of SRLP and to extend the reach of SRLP’s members who are incarcerated, artist Caroline Paquita has been hard at work over the past few months creating SRLP’s very first calendar!  This beautiful 12 month calendar showcases the artwork of trans, gender non conforming, intersex community members and allies who are locked away in New York state detention facilities.  It also includes trans history throughout, honoring those like Sylvia Rivera who never stopped fighting for us.

Practical. Radical. Informational. Historical.

 The calendar retails for $15 and will be shipped via media mail from NYC. If you don't know about the Sylvia Rivera Law Project (SRLP) here's part of their mission statement (and here's where you can purchase more of their merchandise!): 

The Sylvia Rivera Law Project (SRLP) works to guarantee that all people are free to self-determine their gender identity and expression, regardless of income or race, and without facing harassment, discrimination, or violence.

TO ENTER: leave a comment sharing a love story, no matter how brief or about anything you choose (i.e. love of your life, love of life, love of others, work, art, etc.). Make sure you leave an email address where I can contact you if you are the winner to get your snail mail address!

TIMELINE: Selection will be made on Friday February 15, 2013.

TO WIN: I'll select a random number (i.e. first person to leave a comment is person 1 and so forth).
Spread the word!

Media Maker's Salon: Hip Hop Is For Lovers

cross posted from my Media Justice column


Last year Hip Hop is for Lovers (HH4L) became a live broadcast online. Since then, the expansion and attention HH4L has received is phenomenal. This is expected as the two women who are the driving force, creative energy, and developers of the series are fantastic. I asked Uche and Lenée if I could feature them for the Media Maker’s Salon as their form of media is one that is so accessible! They agreed. I should share that Lenée and I are homegirls, chosen family and that I am a regular listener, tweeter, and fan of HH4L.

Uche and Lenée both identify as 30 something Black women from the US who are English speaking. Lenée identifies as a “queer working class, anti-academic and Spanglish speaking” Black woman and Uche as a “hetero” African American woman. Their identities are important because this impacts the media they create, conversations they have, and education they provide on HH4L.

What is HH4L? When and where did it begin?

Uche: Hiphopis4Lovers.com conception came from a conversation. First it was a microblog on tumblr and was almost a mixtape but now its a full on radio show and now
budding network. We discuss Love, Sex, intimacy and Hip Hop Music every
Wednesday 8pm-10pm and we have The XD Experience every Thursday
9pm-11pm.

What was the motivation for beginning HH4L? What are some goals you have for the project/program?

Uche: The Motivation for HH4L in the beginning was to create a space where people we could talk about sex and Hip Hop in a real adult way. To address the issues in intimacy and sex that the hip hop generations faces on a daily basis.

My ultimate goal would be to change the culture of how sexuality, sex and intimacy is viewed, and discussed in the culture of Hip Hop. To create a space for adults who still engage in the culture of Hip Hop to deal with issues facing them in their personal lives.

How did the two of you meet and what went into collaboration?

Lenée: We met via twitter, actually. I was out at a wine bar in Brooklyn and Uche recognized me from my twitter avatar. We've been hanging out ever since. Later, she approached me about taking her microblog series, Hip Hop is for Lovers, to another level by making it a podcast. In May of 2011, we switched the format to include live broadcasts.

Share with us the importance of the naming of your media. How is language important in the projects you create and are a part of?

Uche: With Hip Hop, one of the main identifiers of people engaged in the culture is language. There is a seeded vernacular that in Hip Hop is this always changing but remains universal to the listeners. In Hip Hop is 4 Lovers we are using that language, that semantic to talk about Sex and Love.

Lenée: Language plays a huge part! The radio show is reflective of and steeped in Hip Hop culture and language -- the vernacular we utilize from the larger culture are a big part of the sound and tone of the show. Also, we have our own sayings that are part of the show's fabric. For instance, Uche coined the term "No bueno on the non consensual anal," in response to the idea that one partner can surprise another with anal sex. We have HH4L quotables on virtually every episode. Also, we name every episode uniquely -- usually something humorous -- as a way of piquing the interest of potential listeners.

What themes do you seek to discuss/address/present and how are they received by audience?

Lenée: Our subject matter is based on love, sex, intimacy, and relationships. So, we talk about sex itself, sex work, dating, coparenting, child rearing, etc. We talk a lot about personal agency in relationships and sexual encounters, consent, and transparency. I believe what we talk about on the show is very well received by our audience. I do find that sometimes our shows about very juicy (and for some people controversial) topics sometimes get more realtime feedback on twitter.

Uche: We talk about everything sex/ intimacy related. Everything from parenting to the kinds of sex people are having. Addressing topics like Slut Shaming, Self Love, even Polyamory has struck chords with our audience. We also, always put emphasis on consent and full disclosure in intimacies between individuals. Our audience seems to be excited to have a space where the issues that concern them and (even some that don’t) are being discussed.

How are topics and songs selected? Is this an individual process? The two of you? audience suggestions? something else?

Uche: Its both the HH4L team and our audience. We discuss and brainstorm about our topics and even do research to make sure we are giving a full representation of any topic and not just our own personal ideals.

Lenée: The creation of our library was a collaborative effort -- we both add to it regularly. We also take suggestions from our audience, and from artists themselves.

What role does race, gender, sexual orientation, class, and location play in the creation of HH4L?

Lenée: Hip Hop, as a culture and as a genre of music, belongs to People of Color (POC). It began in the Bronx, in a community of working and lower middle class black and brown folks and to this day is largely reflective of the lives and experiences, aspirations, goals, and sometimes the suffering of People of Color. Of course, there are white artists who make this music, and I find that the white artists whose work is best received both commercially and critically are people from working class and or poor communities, like Yelawolf. I think class plays a big part because early Hip Hop was self-made entertainment based on the experiences of black and brown youth. Though an abundance of Hip Hop music is driven by men who identify as hetero (or express heterosexual desires), there's a lot music informed by what we might call alternative viewpoints. Hetero women, queer women, queer men, and trans people make hip hop -- some of which is played on both the main HH4L show and the show on our network hosted by The XD Experience. Regarding location, we are NYC based. NYC is the birthplace of Hip Hop music and culture; this means that for a long time the epicenter of the culture was here -- some argue that it still is. I think that the urban experience of working class and or poor People of Color is as integral a part of the music of Hip Hop as rhyming itself.

Uche: As a woman (especially a woman of color) who grew up in the culture of Hip Hop and has no fear being identified as such is a big deal. I have met a lot of women who have a love/hate relationship with Hip Hop. Dealing with issues of “where is my place?” is very real for a lot of POC women who grew up listening to a music that at first glance doesn’t seem to value them or acknowledge their place in the culture. I’m sure that goes for other “alternative”(probably not the right word) identified groups that ultimately identify with the culture of Hip Hop. The fact that the majority of the people involved with HH4L are POC women is a big deal as we tend to talk about what affects us more so than our non POC counterparts.

How has HH4L evolved? How would you like to see it evolve in the future? Are there goals for the year?

Uche: We went from being a podcast to a live weekly show. Now we are branching out to becoming a network by adding The XD experience and some other shows that will be announced soon. We have goals of always expanding the audience and growing as a team.

As media makers, what outlets/equipment/training/workshops/tools/etc. do you utilize to create?

UW: HH4L is broadcast right from my home. I did research on a lot of different broadcast sites style sites before settling on Spreaker.com. We also use lots of social media to get the word out about our broadcasts and the happenings of HH4L. I would say that social media is a major tool for us.

Lenée: I think it's imperative that people who make media understand the intersections of social media (Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr) and traditional media (print/ radio/ video). It's all linked now. Since Twitter is a big part of what we use to communicate and share our media, I think demonstrated ability to navigate and manage social media is as important as knowing how to update a website via platforms like WordPress. Also, it's a good idea to learn about sites like podomatic, Spreaker, and Soundcloud.

What are some necessary texts, films, images, photography that you think are essential for youth, especially youth of Color, queer youth, and youth who are marginalized in general, to interact with/read/be exposed to? Why these artifacts?

Lenée: I think for young Women of Color -- queer and hetero alike -- to begin to actualize themselves, it is imperative that they know their experiences do not occur in a vacuum. I recommend Colonize This!,  and Borderlands/ La Frontera  for starters. I also suggest Sisters of the Yam: Black Women and Self-Recovery  and Naked be read in tandem. It's never too early to learn!

For marginalized youth in general, I think it's important that they utilize the resources they have access to -- be they libraries in the community or at school, or even the personal libraries of people they know and trust. When I was 15, I read The Autobiography of Malcolm X,  because I thought it was necessary for me to learn exactly how he became an activist. Not everyone is born with a fist in the air -- our kids need to know that. I also read Race Matters  by Cornel West (required reading by my school) and found the words I had been seeking all along to explain what I felt when my wealthy white schoolmates expressed not just racism or sexism, but classism in their interactions with me and one another.

Have there been any challenges/obstacles, etc. you’ve encountered in creating your media? Will you share some examples with us?

Uche: I would say that my greatest challenge in creating HH4L is that I didn't know of anything that existed like it before. I had no guide to tell me how to create a site/radio show that wants to discuss Love, Sex and Hip Hop. Sure there are sites and radio shows that discuss sex and hip hop but not together. So I would say my biggest challenge has been creating this form of media that I didn't know to exist prior to.

What support systems help you cope with frustration, challenges, obstacles, etc. as POC inclusive media makers?

Uche: I would say our biggest support system has been our growing audience. They have let us know we are doing something needed and wanted by them. That is what I know helps me face any challenges or obstacles I’ve faced.

Lenée: I'm not certain that we've faced too many frustrations or challenges as POC inclusive media makers, but I have noticed that sharing with people what I do as co-host and sometimes site contributor to the show can be met with puzzled faces. People really do seem to think that Hip Hop music is all about guns, hoes, drugs, and violence. They're sometimes surprised... While others think that the music library couldn't possibly be extensive, as the music within the genre that they like is very singularly minded.

What time management strategies/advice can you share with us about creating media and also finding time for yourself/family/friends?

Uche: There are times that I feel consumed by HH4L. I live it constantly so I make sure to have my down time to “check out.” Its essential for me to create a work/ life balance as it allows my creativity to recharge and grow.

Lenée: We make sure we're fed and hydrated before the show starts. It's imperative that we have sufficient nourishment and rest beforehand. HH4L Radio, though it requires a substantial time commitment for me, doesn't keep me from having quality time with friends and/ or family. I believe Uche has different experiences, though, since she's the site's founder and primary content contributor.

Are there any upcoming events planned?

Lenée: With dates TBD, we have a group trip to the Museum of Sex in New York City, and another Lovers Joint!

How may people get in contact with you? listen to the show?

Uche: Tune in to the show on www.hiphopis4lovers.com. Also, find us on Twitter, Tumblr  and Facebook.  If they want to submit music they can do it through the contact section on the website and also sign up for our mailing list.

Lenée: I don't know specifics, but we've got a good following on Facebook and Twitter. Also, the site we broadcast from shows us our stats including unique listeners to each broadcast and how many downloads we get. I'd estimate that we have just under a thousand folks listening to us, which is quite impressive to me considering that we've been doing the live shows for just under a year.

Are there any other topics/issues/etc. you’d like to discuss?

Lenée: Check hiphopisforlovers.com for announcements about upcoming events and to stream our latest shows.

Grading As Media Making

cross posted from my Media Justice column

Imagine it: me surrounded by a never ending abyss of papers to grade with only 2 weeks left before the semester ends. I’m writing this post because it speaks to my life right now. Now, I told my students I would have their papers to them by last Monday, only one of two classes received them. I was sick for most of a holiday break we had and could barely lift my head up. This limited the amount of papers I got to grade. Now, grading seems to never end!

There were math equations I would do to see how many papers I had to grade a day to get through them all. How much time to dedicate to each paper. This isn’t anything new. However, I realized that when I grade a paper, especially a formal paper a student submits, the comments I’m giving them, the things I’m writing in the margins, this is all a form of media. My goal is to help Amplify readers understand this form of media and to get a perspective from an educators point of view on grading (perhaps it may encourage you to go to office hours for support, ask for clarification, or see your teacher as a person too!).

I have a love/hate relationship with grading. I see how it may be useful for many students, schools, organizations and professions. However, I believe there are multiple ways to assess if someone is being critical and analytical around certain topics, to value the quality of work and participation they bring to a classroom. These are some of the things that make up a grade for a student in my class.

Grading is my least favorite part of teaching. No matter what I’m teaching, I dread grading. I think in our society we have created a grading system that is set up to destroy individual students. I have to remind myself that I don’t want to be the educator that broke a student’s spirit or drive because of what or how I’ve written a comment on their paper as I grade. There is also a balancing act between helping students learn how to improve their writing and expressing their thoughts and learning from constructive criticism.

Now, I know all too well how it hurts and destroy’s ones motivation when they are told they are not a good/quality writer or that their writing is poor. It has happened to me numerous times and it probably will again. However, it is from these experiences that I try to really be honest, thoughtful, and grade from a place of love. Not just love for education, but for helping students evolve and grow. A love for the person who w told their writing was not worthy or good enough (i.e. myself). A type of love for the work I do and for the things I do that I don’t always love but that come with the work. A love that is challenging yet rewarding at the same time.

I’m reminded of the Allied Media Conference that I attended this summer. There was a workshop titled Editing as an Act of Love that had my good homegirl Maegan Ortiz of Vivir Latino on the panel. Maegan had posted a video that would be shown during the session by Lisa Factora-Borchers and her experiences editing an anthology, Dear Sister Anthology, for survivors of sexual violence. Check out her video below.

Allied Media Conference Workshop: Editing as an Act of Love from Lisa Factora-Borchers onVimeo.

I really love Factora-Borchers 5 guidelines of editing as I think it speaks so directly to grading as well. These guidelines include:
1. You’re dealing with work that came from someone.
2. Like love, editing is a 2-way street. (with many, many detours).
3. Like love, editing cannot be about power, ultimatums, or one way. It’s often visionary, and takes mounds of patience.
4. Editing is standing shoulder to shoulder, not head to head.
5. Above everything else, editing is all about the relationship.

This video really helps me put into perspective my love/hate of grading. It’s not that I hate or dread it as I think I do, it’s that I’m invested in grading in a way that is not often discussed or taught to educators. I have high expectations for myself, my students, and the effort I put into assessing their work. I value the relationships I build with my students and I would like to be a part of a positive memory of what education, especially higher education, may look like for them.

As someone who enjoys writing in the margins of books and texts (that I own, although I do love the idea of writing in the margins of books owned by others or at the library even though that’s a no-no, but imagine what we can learn from those notes by others! And I’m not the only one into marginalia! The historical context alone is exciting to me, but I digress), I enjoy writing in the margins of my student’s papers as well. It is a way I connect with my students and with the habits I embrace and use when doing personal reading. It’s one way that I find comfort in a difficult task.

I have over 20 papers to grade and three times as many homework assignments, so I’ll keep this short. But I do want to note that those of you who may find yourself in a similar situation, here are some useful tips for grading that a friend provided me via tumblr. I most definitely make a not to avoid red pens, I usually use purple, pink or teal. However, there are times when those pens run out of ink and I must resort to the traditional red, but it’s a rare occasion. Do you view grading a bit differently? What are some of the ways you cope/manage grading?

Online Course: Sociology of Human Sexuality Part 3

cross posted from my Media Justice column

This is a series of posts from the sexuality course I am teaching this summer. Check out thefirst week and second week of notes. If you are interested in receiving some of the readings, syllabus, and workbook assignments please leave a comment with a way to contact you!

Day 6
Abortion, Adoption & Female Sexual Dysfunction

The first part of this class we discussed abortion. In this lecture I explained the legal and political history of abortion in the US, what is included in the procedure, and debunking myths regarding the procedure and people who experience this option. Reading's for this part of the course included What Did The Doula Do?, where I share my experiences as a doula and working with people who are having an abortion procedure. Another reading wasAbortion Doesn't Increase Mental Health Risk but Having A Baby Does, which discusses research conducted by people who are parenting and people who have terminated a pregnancy.

Before beginning this lecture I made it clear to students that no part of this lecture is to attempt to convince them or change their own personal belief and value system about abortion. Instead, this segment is set up to provide information on how our society has come to legalize abortion, what that means, includes, how some states have specific regulations that impact accessibility, and what the procedure includes.

First, I asked the group what three options people who are pregnant have and these include: parenting, adoption, and termination. I began with the Supreme Court decision of Roe v. Wade 1973 which legalized abortion in the US. Since this decision, which falls under our right to privacy in the Constitution. This is one reason why they may hear people say that "abortion is our Constitutional right" because it protected by the 14th Amendment. From here, we discussed how individual states have created requirements around accessing abortions by people who need them. We discussed waiting periods, parental consent and/or notification, judicial bypass, and limitations on when terminations can occur.

Waiting periods are not in all states, they are not in NY, but in other states they are and this includes a person who makes a decision to terminate a pregnancy must first wait 24 hours before having the procedure. The rationale for a waiting period is to allow the person the opportunity to consider all of their options regarding their pregnancy. Some folks who do not support the waiting periods argue that they are condescending and assume a person who chooses termination has not considered all of the options, as if choosing termination is an easy decision.

Depending on the individual state and space that provides the procedure a few things may occur to fulfill the waiting period law. A person may have to physically come into the location and receive written information about all of their options (parenting, adoption, and abortion). Another way to receive this information may be watching a film about all three options, or listening to information over the telephone. After being given this information the person may choose to read/listen/view or not, but they will then have to come to the location again the following day if they choose to continue with their termination. I noted how for some folks this is a challenge. One challenge may be taking off work and having to go to the location twice which may mean not getting paid, and potentially losing a job. Another challenge with waiting periods may be transportation and that some folks may need to find (or pay for) transportation that could be a challenge and an additional cost.

Parental consent and/or notification laws are also not in every state. These are often for youth who are under the age of 18 and choosing to terminate. The parental consent laws require a young person to get the consent of their parent to have the termination. This consent can be offered in various ways depending on the state and facility doing the procedure. Some youth may need a notarized form with a parent signature (one is often enough), a parent joining the young person at the facility is also a form of consent (and proving they are the parent of the young person). Some challenges with this law include some young people do not have parents, they may be in the child welfare system living in a group home (a nice way to say orphanage in the US for older youth) and the state is their guardian. In this situation a social worker that works with the young person will work to get this consent. In other instances it may be that the young person was assaulted or raped by a family member and discussing this with a parent is not what the young person believes is best for them. Another example may be that the young person is fearful of being kicked out of their home and thus talking to their parents.

It's important to note that parental consent is different from a young person having an adult in their life they trust and can go to for support and guidance. If a young person finds themselves in a situation where they cannot and do not want to obtain parental consent for whatever reason a judicial bypass is an option. A judicial bypass is when a young person speaks directly to a judge in closed chambers requesting the judge's permission to not obtain parental consent. Sometimes these conversations include a young person explaining to the judge why they cannot talk with or get the consent of their parents, the judge determining if the young person has considered all their options and are making the best decision. If the judicial bypass is offered a young person does not need to obtain parental consent but will take their judicial bypass with them to their appointment. Some challenges to a judicial bypass is that it can be scary to go to court and talk to a judge. It requires time, planning, and transportation. It may also require a judge who is not anti-choice as this may impact their decision making for the young person in need. In addition, judges are mandated reporters, which means if they hear or see something that harms or neglects a child or older person, they must report it. As a result some youth may choose not to obtain a judicial bypass for fear they will be removed from their home and separated from their family for various reasons.

A parental notification is different from parental consent in that a parent is notified of the termination but does not have to consent to it occurring. This may occur as a letter from the location providing the termination, the young person providing this to their parent, a phone call from the location and/or some other form of contact to the parent. Again, parental notification is not in all states. One student in the class offered their experience having an abortion and the notification they had to provide their parent prior to the procedure occurring and what that was like for them. I'm always humbled when a student is comfortable enough to share intimate information with our class because it demonstrates the trust they have with us as a group building and creating knowledge together. I think this student sharing their perspective helped other students understand the topics we were discussing and putting a human and personal story to the discussion.

Finally, states having limits to when terminations occur and vary by state. In NY terminations can occur up to 24 weeks but other states only go up to 12 weeks, others up to 18 weeks, and so forth. If a person is in a state that only offers abortions up to 12 weeks, that person will have to go out of state to one that offers terminations later in the term. This may go back to transportation access, and if the next state has a waiting period or if the person is a minor and there are parental notification and/or consent laws the person must abide by these regardless of where they live.

After having this discussion we moved onto how abortions are provided. In the US terminations occur based on the last normal menstrual period (LMP) and this is how pregnancies are determined. So, if a person had a menstrual cycle where they only spotted and did not have a full normal cycle, that spotting is not considered a normal cycle and chances are that person is at least 4-6 weeks pregnant. The first trimester is considered 0-12 LMP, the second trimester is considered 12-20 LMP and the third is considered 20+. abortion procedures (which some have heard referred to as "partial birth abortion") occur after 24 LMP and are rare.

We discussed medical abortions where medication is administered early in the first trimester (usually 9 LMP, but this is based upon a locations protocol as some may offer this up to 11 LMP) to induce a miscarriage. Prior to this I reminded students that often the body does what is called "spontaneous abortions" and/or miscarriage which is often no fault of the person who was pregnant. Often we do not even know we were pregnant, and this may occur without our knowledge for various reasons which go back to our first lecture.

We discussed reasons why this option is selected by some folks which may include wanting to have a non-invasive experience, people think this procedure is more "natural" for them, and living in a home where their menstrual cycle is monitored and this resembling a cycle. I discussed how the medication stops fetal development and then induces uterine contractions to help dispel the contents of the uterus. This is a procedure that is offered only in the first trimester because the pregnancy must be small enough to be dispelled from the body. Many people may experience cramping with the uterine contractions and may experience something similar to the heaviest day of their cycle when the miscarriage begins. I also shared that for many folks they assume the miscarriage will begin instantly, but it takes several hours for the medication to begin the process and some folks have different times of when their miscarriage begins.

An emergency number for medical questions is offered, some locations provide people with doulas to contact and be with during this time and a follow-up appointment is required after this procedure. During a follow up procedure a sonogram will be done to make sure there is nothing remaining in the uterus from the pregnancy. If there is, another procedure may occur called a D&C (dilation and curettage) to remove the remaining contents of the uterus so no infection occurs. This may be one side effect of the medical procedure: that not all the contents are dispelled and the person may need a D&C.

If a medical procedure is not offered or desired, a surgical procedure is offered. These may include a D&C or utilize a manual vacuum aspirator (MVA), or a vacuum aspirator. The D&C and the MVA are often primarily for first term procedures while the vacuum aspirator is for later term procedures. If a person experiences a miscarriage and goes to the hospital they will most likely have a D&C performed by their doctor. The D&C includes the dilation of the cervix and then a provider gently scraping the inside of the uterus to remove any remaining contents so no infection occurs. A D&C may also be done for other non-pregnancy procedures, such as taking samples of uterine fibroids to check if they are cancerous. The MVA is a hand held device that gently suctions out the contents of the uterus. This device looks like a large syringe and is used by providers who are comfortable with it as it is more gentle, easier to manage for some, and quieter. Because the MVA is hand held it is only used for first trimester. This procedure often takes 10-15 minutes depending on the provider.

The manual vacuum aspirator is a larger device that has a motor that makes some noise when turned on. The device is attached to a long tube and suctioning device that providers insert into the vaginal canal and cervix to remove the contents of the uterus. Depending on how large a pregnancy is and the comfort of the provider, this device may be used. If the person is over 12 LMP this is often the device used. If a person is over 14 LMP they may need a 2-day procedure. The first day a person will have laminar inserted into the cervix. Laminaria is dried algae that when placed on the cervix assists in absorbing the moisture and opening up the cervix. Depending on how large the pregnancy is influences how many laminar are inserted. These laminar are left overnight in the cervix and the second day the procedure occurs. Sometimes a provider may need a 3-day procedure where the first two days are laminar insertion to help expand the cervix. On the second or third day the laminar are removed and the vacuum aspirator is used to remove the contents of the uterus. These procedures usually take about 20-25 minutes depending on the provider.

For late term procedures I shared that there are only two states that provide terminations beyond 24 LMP. One of the two physicians in our country to provide these procedures, Dr. George Tiller, was murdered three years ago by an anti-choice conservative religious fundamentalist and his facility closed. Students asked why this happened and how someone could validate killing an adult if they were anti-choice and not for harming a fetus. They were confused and I reminded them that just because abortion does not exist or is not legal, the need may still remain. People who need procedures often planned to parent, looked forward to being parents, may have already set up a room for their child, bonded with their child, and are devastated because a medical complication has occurred to their child. There could be a fetal anomaly, the child could be in pain, dying, or dead and the pregnant person's life could be in danger. All of these experiences are devastating for parents.

Late term procedures are heartbreaking, expensive, and long. Depending on the situation this may take a one-week period. Often people may have health insurance that will cover the procedure. This procedure includes: having to travel to the state where a physician is located to do the procedure which is in the mid-west, so airfare is one cost, hotel for the duration of the procedure, food during the stay, childcare (if needed) while away, cost for medical procedure and medication, cost for decisions made regarding the body (i.e. paying for coffins, cremation, and having those approved for flight back home). All of these things have a price tag attached to them and thus these are not decisions people come to lightly. Often these locations are partnered with various religious leaders who can provide support and burial services as needed/requested by the family for their child. Sometimes families want to hold their babies and as a result a pregnancy is induced. As we discussed in our pregnancy segment, labor can take days.

Some side effects of abortion include: uterine perforations, which, if they occur, do not occur very often. Seasoned and well-trained doctors rarely experience uterine perforations, which are when the uterus is punctured during the procedure. As we had discussed on the first day of class, the uterus is a very thick and dense muscle and to puncture it takes a lot of force and for some a lack of experience. A uterine perforation can be repaired and if done properly a person can experience a pregnancy again and carry to term.

There is also some bleeding after procedures similar to menstrual bleeding, which may include some clotting that may folks experience when menstruating. Cramping is also normal side effect that physicians recommend ibuprofen (not tylenol which is a blood thinner) to alleviate. Feelings of relief are most commonly reported by patients (relief that the procedure is over, the pregnancy is over, the coping and mourning can occur, etc.) but other emotions are also common and are also based on the individual. Finally, abortion procedures when done by trained physicians are safe, more safe than giving birth, and people can have children in the future.

Adoption
For our conversation about adoption we discussed the different types of options for adoption. If a pregnant person knows early on they are choosing adoption they may have a say in meeting and choosing the people/person who will adopt their child. Some adoption agencies offer closed adoptions where the person giving birth does not have any contact with the adoptive person/family, they agree to whatever the adoption agency guidelines are about contact and communication and relinquish their parental rights. This may also include having adoption information sealed and only opened by the child that is adopted at a certain age. For the most part a closed adoption means not contact for the pregnant person.

An open adoption I compared to what some folks may have seen on the Teen Mom MTV series. This is where the pregnant person may have an active role in choosing the adoptive parents, have the adoptive parents a part of the pregnancy experience, coordinating visits with them throughout the child's life, and communicating with the adoptive family. There are other types of adoptions where the pregnant parent and the adoptive one work out what is best for them. Often a lawyer is involved and the pregnant person may not have authority or power of attorney over the child, instead the adoptive parent may have those rights and responsibilities.

Female Sexual Dysfunction
Most of our conversation centered on the documentary film Orgasm, Inc. which discusses how the medicalization of female sexual dysfunction (FSD) have been created and if students think FSD really exists. Read my review of the film Orgasm, Inc. here to see all the topics presented and discussed in this documentary.

Day 7
Reproductive Justice
This class we had a guest speaker who joined us to discuss reproductive justice. Often we hear terms like "reproductive rights" but we are unclear what that includes and means. I invited Aimeé Thorne-Thomson who provided 3 online readings for this session which include: [A New Vision For Advancing Our Movement For Reproductive Health, Reproductive Rights, and Reproductive Justice](http://reproductivejustice.org/assets/docs/ACRJ-A-New-Vision.pdf], Understanding The Connections and an MP3 download of Aimeé on a panel called Abortion Apathy? Feminist Bloggers Speak Out About Reproductive Justice (Aimeé's link is thesecond one listed if you'd like to listen).

Prior to Aimeé joining us I gave a brief overview of the Feminist Sex Wars. And by brief, I mean like 15 minutes, which is really only an introduction to the topic. I introduced and defined feminism in the way that bell hooks has in her book Feminism Is For Everybody as a movement to end sexism, sexist oppression for all people. I mentioned that many folks may not agree with this definitions, that at the time the Sex Wars were occurring this may not have been the agreed upon definition. I pulled from our conversations around sexual orientation and gender to connect this piece of history.

At this time many folks who identified as feminist were also speaking on the ways that the US feminist movement was not meeting or including all people. There were some people who identified as radical feminists who believed that any type of consensual sexual relationship with men resulted in oppression and consenting to rape. For this reason some folks chose to partner with other women and identified as lesbians because they believed that was the only form of equal relationships. Lesbians who had been lesbians prior to joining the US women's movement also had some aspects of their lives that were targeted. For example, discussions of "butch" and "femme" identities were challenged by US feminists and believed to be examples of perpetuating patriarchy and thus oppressing women.

A discussion of butch and femme identities and gender expressions connected to help students understand that gender expression is about how we feel most genuine and our true selves and how we share that with the world. I used myself as an example of how I identify as a femme and how that connects to my use of make-up, choice of wearing dresses, having long hair and painted nails (to name a few). Other conversations around pornography were also a zone of contention for US feminists. Some argued from an anti-pornography perspective that believed all forms of pornography were harmful, especially to women. Other folks fell in the middle of the debate where they argued anti-censorship. They did not claim to support or not support pornography, instead argued that they were against censorship. Other folks identified as pro-sex which argued that consenting adults can watch and purchase whatever they choose, did not see pornography as harmful to women who chose to be in pornography, and that women must be supported in all aspects.

When we discuss sex work later this week, this will connect again from these perspectives. Although folks have found themselves in three different camps regarding pornography, similar spaces occur on various topics in sexuality such as comprehensive sexuality education, abortion, sexual orientation, and even FSD.

When Aimeé arrived I shared her bio with students, she was most recently the interim Executive Director of Astrea Lesbian Foundation for Justice prior to that she was the executive director for Pro-Choice Public Education Project (PEP). She started her discussion with giving us a definition of reproductive justice, and she embraces the one by Asian Communities for Reproductive Justice who produced A New Vision For Advancing Our Movement For Reproductive Health, Reproductive Rights, and Reproductive Justice, which published in 2005, was the first paper to ever be published that defined the three terms (reproductive rights, reproductive health, and reproductive justice) differently. ACRJ defines reproductive justice as:

We believe reproductive justice is the complete physical, mental, spiritual, political, economic, and social well-being of women and girls, and will be achieved when women and girls have the economic, social and political power and resources to make healthy decisions about our bodies, sexuality and reproduction for ourselves, our families and our communities in all areas of our lives.

She shared the history of the origin of the term beginning in 1994 by women of Color, especially racially Black women who coined the term to incorporate reproductive rights, social justice and power. Reproductive rights included policies and laws. Folks who work in reproductive rights are often lawyers, lobbyists. Reproductive health is connected to providing services, so folks such as doctors, nurses, physician assistants, doulas, midwives, et.al. all fall under reproductive health providers. Reproductive justice is about organizing and movement to transform society.

Below is a video of Loretta Ross, cofounder and national coordinator for Sister Song, Women of Color Reproductive Justice Collective, speaking on the reproductive justice framework:

Aimeé shared that reproductive rights organizations may include NARAL and Planned Parenthood; reproductive health include centers such as Planned Parenthood that provide care, but also think tanks that do research and provide data such as the Guttmacher Institute; reproductive justice organizations include Sister Song, ACRJ and youth led organizations. All three terms overlap but they are NOT the same. Using them interchangeably is not correct. Yet, the all work together to create change and when this occurs resources can be shared. However, not everyone "plays nice" as Aimeé shared.

These people are and in leadership positions and important parts of the movement and mobilizing. Some key elements of reproductive justice include:

1. 1. Transforming power: creating change at every level: communal, societal, state and local level.
2. 2. Intersectional analysis: all identities and things in society build and work together so all the aspects and pieces are recognized.
3. 3. Controlling bodies: how people identify based on gender, parenting, expressing their sexuality and how we are able to control and make decisions for ourselves.
4. 4. Most impacted people call the shots: they are the primary leaders in how to move forward because they live the lives that are being impacted.

Aimeé then shared some ways that students can get involved with reproductive justice. These included:

1. 1. The National Latina Institute for Reproductive Health has scheduled this week (August 1-5, 2011) as the Latina Week of Action for Reproductive Justice where they are focusing on immigrant women and how they are scapegoats for various things in our society. They are asking for folks to write their personal stories on the topic and share them.
2. 2. The Doula Project, located in NYC, provides support and emotional encouragement for pregnant people at all spectrums of pregnancy.
3. 3. Sister Song has an NYC chapter (and others around the US if you are reading and are outside of NYC) they organize events, film screenings and fundraising events.
4. 4. Choice USA provides trainings, leadership development and organizing.
5. 5. Advocates for Youth and Amplify Your Voice (yay!)
6. 6. Asian Communities for Reproductive Justice 10 year national initiative to change the ways people see and understand families in the US. This project is called Strong Families where folks can share their Strong Families story and read others.

Additional ways to get involved that are not attached to large organizations include:

1. 1. Voting and if you can't vote, you probably know others who can
2. 2. Educate yourself through reading, online communities, and blogging
3. 3. Volunteer working by providing time, skills, money, and building connections and networking are central to reproductive justice
4. 4. Contact your representatives and tell them what YOU want and how you want them to represent you.
5. 5. Do it yourself! If there is an issue, topic, experience that is not being representing, make your own organization and find members and mentors!
6. 6. Post to Facebook and share topics that impact reproductive justice with those people in your network.
7. 7. Use Twitter and join in on the conversation occurring around reproductive justice.

She then opened it up for conversation and questions. She was asked what at typical day looked like for her, how did she come to do this work, and what does being an ally look like for her? She shared that a typical day is non-existent and often each day is different. However, there is a lot of strategizing. She did not imagine her work being in reproductive justice when she was in college at Yale, or really it applying when in graduate school. It was something she came up on while working in various fields and learning about herself. When asked about being an ally she shared that when she was at the Astrea Foundation she realized that she came in as an ally because she identifies as heterosexual. She made the point that there is a power dynamic for allies to recognize that sometimes their work is to sit quietly and listen, that people will have different perspectives because they are members of the community. She also discussed how to strategically use her power and privilege to lift a particular issue and topic further, to ask more questions about what her colleagues need.

Day 8
Love & Relationships
This segment focused on the first chapter of bell hooks book All About Love: New Visions as well as the video Origin of Love, a song from the film Hedwig And The Angry Inch. See the video below:

This was one of the most lively conversations we've had in class so this segment may be a bit short as there was lots of discussion! As we began, I first offered some background history on who bell hooks is and what she represents. I mentioned that she identifies as a Black woman, a feminist, and some consider her a public intellectual because she has published so many books on various topics from feminisms, media, race, and love.

I asked them what they remember about bell hooks from the chapter we read and they mentioned how she shared that she came from a dysfunctional family. I asked them how they understood her family to be dysfunction from her explanation and they shared her describing her experiences as being in a family that only offered care, not love. Some students disliked her defining her family as dysfunctional. Their argument was that she's comparing her family to a societal norm, which does not change anything but label more families dysfunctional.

I went on a short tangent and spoke about how Daniel Patrick Moynihan had written The Negro Family: The Case for National Action, which was one of the documents that harmed Black families all over the US because it stated that Black families were perpetuating poverty because of there not being two-parent (heterosexual) families like in racially white families. It also made connections to welfare programs and economic challenges for Black families. What the documents did not do is ask Black families what they needed, what could help them with their daily needs, what changes they think need to be made. To this day, scholars and activists are working to challenge this document as it has saturated so much of what people think they know about Black families.

Another document that had a similar response was Oscar Lewis' La Vida and how his focus on the "culture of poverty" he assigned to working poor families and communities of Color (especially Latinos) is still present today. The idea that Latinos value poverty and that is why they remain there, is very similar to what the Moynihan report did to Black families. This is some of the historical legacy that leads us to understanding how a dysfunctional family is defined.

I wrote hook's definition of love on the board which includes:

"To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients—care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication."

Several students did not agree with this definition. One of the main reasons to resist this definition were because, as they argued, everyone may define the terms care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and honesty differently. I asked if they agreed with bell hooks who stated that "[i]f our society had a commonly held understanding of the meaning of love, the act of loving would not be so mystifying." Some folks agreed others did not.

I asked if there were different types of love and the class agreed. We came up with a list of different types of love which included: familial, parental/motherly, friendship, self, agape, eros, and sexual. I asked if they agreed with bell hooks when she wrote "love and abuse cannot coexist." They asked why hooks did not define abuse as she had defined love and what does that mean for the reader and defining abuse. We had a great conversation about abusive relationships, what love looks like when there are levels of violence, if it is really love, why not, how can it be, and so forth. We even spoke about spanking and how that may be seen as a form of abuse from an outsiders perspective. Some parents in the class shared their views on disciplining their children. I then asked them what their own definitions of love were and they ranged from the following:

"growth, emotional, strength, honesty"
"unconditional, comfortable like friends, and being able to pass gas in front of the other person"
"take a bullet for someone"

It was such an amazing conversation to be able to facilitate and be a part of. This is one of the reasons why I adore teaching, to have this level of engagement and discussion among amazing young scholars. It is such a privilege to be in those spaces, it gives me new energy!

To end the class, I asked them to each write themselves a love letter on campus letterhead and then write the address they want the letter to go to on the envelope provided. I told them I'll mail them these letters sometime in the fall semester. It was great to have an in-class writing assignment where we all sat quietly for several minutes thinking about the love we have for ourselves and how we will be reminded of this day in months to come.

Notes From A Workshop on Intercultural Dating & Relationships

cross posted from my RH Reality Check blog with a different title from the original.

This past weekend I was asked to do two workshops at the first annual Rutgers University Sex, Love, and Dating Conference. I provided two workshops, one on negotiating our multiple sexual identities and the other on intercultural dating and relationships. When I was asked to present I had asked what other sessions they had, to see where I would fit in best. Many of the workshops were fun, exciting, and had “how to…” approaches. What I also noticed was there was a lack of conversation about sexuality, sexual orientation, and gender identity and how those intersect with race, class, gender, ethnicity, immigration status, and language.

I knew my workshops would have some hardcore competition. When I walked into opening session, a room of over 200 students, I wondered how many would actually want to attend my sessions. My first session on negotiating multiple identities had 5 students. I had been told that students ranked their top choices of workshop sessions for each track and then were told where to go based on availability. So before I started that session I shared that if they wanted to go to another session they could do that. Luckily all of the students present had chosen my workshop. We had a good conversation about identities, historical implications and outcomes, and how to heal and create support systems.

My second workshop on intercultural relationships and dating was one that I was more anxious about. I knew I wanted to be flexible and provide what students wanted in that space, at the same time I didn’t want it to become a “how to date interculturally” type of workshop. Many of my assumptions about the student population were also challenged. I thought there would be a lot of racially White students who may have questions about dating interracially. This assumption, and the possibility, did make me a bit uncomfortable and I thought about how as the facilitator, I was going to insert that discomfort as part of the discussion. However, I was surprised to see my room fill with students of Color. By the time the workshop started I had offered the same disclaimer: students could go to another workshop if this was not their first choice. I had two of the four racially White students leave when I mad this announcement and the other two stayed.

We had an amazing time and conversation!

Although we formally only had an hour, we talked about a lot of issues and topics. The group even decided to stay longer after the formal hour was over. I was not able to complete all of the items I had outlined, but students said they were drawn to some of the topics I did share in the conference description. I wrote:

This workshop will center on the challenges, successes, and experiences of intercultural dating (not just interracial dating!). Conversations about preference (is it a preference or is it a fetish?), racism (can you date a person of a different cultural background and still be racist?) and cultural relativism, (how, if at all, does it work in intimate sexual relationships?) How does the construction of Whiteness in a relationship complicate it? What are important conversations to have with your partner, family, friends, and with yourself? What to do when you find yourself questioning your relationship, yourself, your partner, and your desires?

When I asked if there were specific topics participants wanted to discuss before I followed what I had outlined, several students mentioned they wanted to talk about preference versus fetish and how Whiteness is constructed and may affect a relationship. So that is exactly where I began: what is a preference versus a fetish.

I had asked students how they would define “fetish” and many of them connected this term to sexual pleasure, objectification, and not having certain boundaries around misusing power. When I read to them what The Complete Dictionary of Sexology defined as a fetish, “attribution of erotic or sexual significance to some nonsexual inanimate object or to a nongenital body part, object recognized for its alleged magical powers. The fetishist is dependent on the fetish object, substance or part of the body to achieve sexual arousal and orgasm,” and participants had some strong opinions. Many of them agreed that the definition provided made the fetish seem imaginary and almost mocked it with the focus on “magical powers.”

We spoke of preferences and how these may be different from a fetish, if at all. I shared that even I continue to struggle with how to define certain terms and how they may apply to my own life and experiences. We agreed that a preference does not take away someone’s agency, power, and self-determination in the same way a fetish does/may. For example, we were speaking specifically about fetishizing people of Color or racially White people or people from a particular ethnic group. We were not talking about fetish as connected to certain kinks. We came to a group understanding that to fetishize a person may mean that the person who is desired does not have a choice or give consent to be fetishized. They are not in control of that “gaze.” This person does not get the opportunity to say “no” to the person desiring them in the same way people who may prefer someone with dark hair may hear and respect a person who rejects them. We recognized it is still a working understanding and that for now, we were comfortable with those loose definitions and that they may change, shift, and evolve.

After discussing these two terms my good friends and amazing revolutionary lovers (and newlyweds), Tara Betts (an educator at Rutgers) and Rich Villar joined us. They were just in time for our conversation about Whiteness. One student made the point in stating that they believe that Whiteness in the US is connected to class status. This made me think of the autobiographical work of Dany Laferriére (translated by David Homel) whose controversial book How To Make Love To A Negro Without Getting Tired provides an interesting first-person perspective. I had asked if anybody had heard of the book (or film of the same name) and nobody had. I did a loose discussion of Laferriére’s theory based on his personal experience as a Black heterosexual Haitian man who migrated from Haiti to Montreal and how the racially White women of the area were fetishizing and desiring to be with him sexually.

Laferriére attempts to argue that there is a hierarchy in society, one that intersects with class, race, and gender. He writes:

“Because in the scale of Western values, white woman is inferior to white man, but superior to black man. That’s why she can’t get off except with a Negro. It’s obvious why: she can go as far as she wants with him. The only true sexual relation is between unequals. White women must give white men pleasure, as black men must for white women. Hence, the myth of the Black stud. Great in bed, yes, but not with his own woman. For she has to dedicate herself to his pleasure” (pg. 38).

Now, one aspect of his theory that is not discussed by him is racially Black women, do they ever get to experience pleasure or do they never because they are at the bottom and always having to please their partner? What about same gender relationships between two racially Black women? These are just a handful of areas that his theory of over two decades ago has some holes. He wrote a book that followed which addresses some of these critiques called Why Must A Black Writer Write About Sex?

Finally, I opened the space up to conversation among participants and the exchange was phenomenal. One young person asked what to do when his partner of another ethnicity cannot share with their parents that they are dating, that they must lie and say he is just his partner’s “friend.” One couple in a similar pairing shared what they experienced and some of the approaches they took to talking with their parents. Today, the couple shares that although it was difficult at first, standing firm in what they believed was a solid and important relationship has gained some aspect of respect and tolerance from their parents.

Then Tara and Rich shared a personal story about their courtship that really resonated with many of us. Rich shared that even in challenging situations, there are new discoveries that may be seen when our family members are offered the opportunity to meet and interact with people from different cultural backgrounds. Even as adults, our parents can still surprise us, and that was a message I think many of us took home. Tara also shared how she approaches some conversations from friends, family, and strangers who share racist and/or ethnocentric ideologies. One of her strategies is to ask questions that ask for clarification to offer the person an opportunity to have to simply say their point is they are perpetuating an –ism.

At the end of the session, I shared a list of resources I created for students, which includes organizations, websites, books, podcasts, and films about the topic. The list is in no way an exhaustive list, but I think a good starting point for many of the people present that day.

I have to say that I was overwhelmed by the interest and desire to have such conversations in this space, and that I was glad my assumptions were, and continue to be, challenged as well. Many thanks to the students who participated in the workshops, and to Rich and Tara for allowing me permission to share their contribution to the session.