I learned how to ask for what I wanted. This was beyond what some may be thinking. Grief allowed me to hone in on the ways I was communicating what I needed.
People always say they want to help you or let them know if you need anything! And my response is "I always need something." Basic living and daily acts were a challenge and they still are because when you're lounging in your bed butt naked all day thinking about death and dying you don't eat much you don't always shower and you don't do laundry or much else besides scroll social media bc it makes you feel a safe distance from being social. This shit is rough!
So I made lists of what people could help me with and allowed others to pick and choose what they could offer. I was too exhausted to say yes or no I just needed the ish I needed to show up so I could access them.
Making lists was exactly what helped me and it's what I tell others to make when they are grieving. Here's a list I made early. And here's a handout I use and have on my refrigerator. Best to complete it when you're feeling supported.
These things made it easier for me to get what I needed and to be clear about it all. This is what helped me stay alive.
My List (I removed people's names)
I NEED:
Consistency and a schedule and dates bc wtf is time?
Money in cash (t $500 for PR until new bank card comes)
Airline miles (flight to/from PR:NYC 2x)
Airport rides (to/from JFK ~65$ each way)
BK to BX rides (until it’s safe to go home and leave T’s)
Weed (Reina has tincture, high CBD to calm me the fuck down)
Beach trips (Rockaway, LI, etc; others to plan and just take me (Sara)
Better Health Insurance (therapist, bereavement help)
Alzheimer’s gene testing
Cocoa Butter
Touch
Good travel water bottle (keeps cold for hours)
Laundry (done/folded/put away)
Dark sheets (mascara stains)
Food (delivered via Seamless: Riverdale Diner; Bunni Deli; that pizza joint)
Food (grocery shopping: ready to eat foods bc im not cooking, cereal, fruit, PB, granola, nuts)
Food Dates (spicy not sugary sweet)
Dante to do my hair
Ouidad hair conditioner
Service Top
A handler when I’m in public or at new places (I got lost that time in CI)
Figure out a line to tell people and practice it (my mom died march 1 and I’m struggling)
Water in fridge
Coke (to feel the burn)
Metrocard (monthly)
Massages
Taxes help (Nick, inheritance, mami’s house, etc.)
House cleaning (sweep, mop, dust, bathtub, life)
Energy work (Jini)
Stationary (love letters, thank you cards)
Stamps (Love, POC)
Travel cords: phone, computer
Ibuprofen
Tampons and pads
Pedicures
Someone to shave my legs (service top?)
Waterproof mascara
MAC mascara primer
Tissues (soft not w lotion)
Wipes (everybody’s hands dirty in NYC)
Consistent Frequent Lovers over 30yo (wtf am I still quarantined bc of t?!)
Help packing
Help sorting
Help trash shit I don’t need
Donate ish (how to get the dontions to sites?
New pillows (mascara stains, firm/full)
Music (that missing DOOM album, Mariah Carey remixs, da brat greatest hits, vico-c
1.1.17 I NOW NEED:
NO MORE LAVENDER (UGH!)
Massages
Tricycle
Rides (stop being embarrassed to ask)
Grocery store rides (not always need to be social)
Dental help (pull this tooth, crown, implant $4k)
NO more tinctures w/o instructions
Update emotional emergency plan
To see the kids/babies (learn to tell them apart)
Touch/affection in all the forms (there’s no backup plan)
Service Top
Avoid Papi and Linda
Explore new neighborhood
Heal this knee (wtf happened? Pool time to stretch? arnica)
Fitted for new bras (grief changed my body)
Wtf am I going to do for mami’s birthday? 1/6
Get out of bed (make work/play dates w ppl)
2.22.17 I NOW NEED: 6 days to 1 year
Lovers how to find them when no energy to court or search or do the bs logistics to get some tail
Impact play/experiences/reminders (rubber bands)
The ocean
Eat better food
Drink much more water
Tell people when you want to hurt yourself every time
Remember people love me and want to help
Dead Mother’s Club Members to contact
Figure out Dead Mother’s Club homies in NO (so far I’m only motherless of crew)
To learn to drive!!!
Decide am I moving to NO
Better sunglasses to hide puffy eyes (not red like before puffy around)
Reminders to bathe, brush teeth each day
Death and dying playlist songs (Rosana may know that song “happy bday I hope you die”)
My face touched
Someone to talk to about my dreams/fantasies
Plan for my skin when it feels its on fire
Ride to/from airport
NYC return plan
Read post 12 here.
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