When my mom died I stopped caring about a lot of things, people, ideas, and overall ish.
There's something distracting about shock and grief. It's all encompassing and it's overwhelming and numbing. Sometimes you think you can show up until you do and you're like "idgaf about what I'm witnessing bc my momma's dead." At least that's what has happened and continues to happen to me.
I've lost all levels of caring. Today I've healed to a place where I can care enough to pay my rent, shower, communicate as best I can, get some work done, and be social a few times a week. AND THATS ALL FOR NOW!
Well for the most part. I'll share other spaces I'm at in other posts but for now I learned how quickly we realize it hurts too much to care. I say this to folks all the time when they tell me they don't care about something. I say it often to young people. I say it often to myself too.
Now, the idgaf sense of time and place and current events didn't mean I wasn't clear I could hurt others, it meant I didn't care if my curtness was a form of discomfort. And when I did hurt people it took me a minute to realize that is what I had done. I chose to apologize. Others who have lost their mothers who I have spoken to about such instances, decided it wasn't really critical to apologize because real homies understand. Yet not everybody is a homie. Not everyone is really who they think they are, including me.
And when your communication gets tighter and clearer and more direct and you are open about your state of grief and shock, thats when folks are reminded they don't have what they need because you are doing such a good job asking for what you need.
For me, the "not giving a fuck" situation meant that I became a lot more curt and direct in my communication and saying exactly what I needed and wanted. I had no shame and had no focus on privacy or being acceptable in my grieving. Instead I focused on my needs unapologetically. It made a lot of people uncomfortable. Good thing IDGAF.
Read post 4 here.