When I lost my mom on March 1, 2016 it was expected as her health had deteriorated quickly from Alzheimer's; the disease that would take both of her parents and one of her older sisters in Puerto Rico.
Even with all the planning and expecting this time to come still fucked me up in a way I wasn't and still am not ready for. During that time, and still today, one of the things I struggled with was my mother's denial of the hurtful, racist, queerphobic, and fatphobic shit she had done and said to me growing up. It was my feminine identity that we still could connect over and her newfound you-don't-need-a-man ideology that guided her last decade on the planet.
Lots of friends gave me tinctures for healing and for my broken heart. It was a mixture of a femme healer, Dacia high.moon.femme tarot reader, and my energy work with my NYC healer Jini Tanenhaus. Dacia came from a visit by way of Utah via San Francisco via Philly to NYC. Dacia gave me a tincture of Mother Wort and Osha while sharing with me ways of coping and mourning with mother relationships. Reminding me that none of us has only one mother, we must choose to tap into the Universal Mother that holds and cares for us and that we learn to do the same through.
My work with Jini was similar. Jini guided me to understanding that my mother was the one I needed to be the woman I am now. I needed a mom to be hands off and not compete with me yet allow me to grow and be my full self. That is what my mother offered and gave me.
Does it mean I had to experience all the -isms of my moms humanity and what she was/not experiencing-yeah. By understanding the Universal Mother and thinking of what Universal Mother looks and feels and smells and tastes like I've found new ways of loving my mother, loving the mother in me, and loving the mother I've had to become to mother myself.
Read part 3 here.
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