When people die those of us that are left behind to grieve and mourn we find so many ways to cope. One common way is to "look for messages" from those who have died. So many people in my inner and outer circles use this language and thought process to discuss their grief or mourning. They looked to find those signs as examples of their loved ones showing up for them or reminding them they are present in some way in the universe and especially on the planet we find ourselves on.
This didn't happen for me.
I felt like, and still feel like, the only one. I got mad I didn't have a "sign" from my mother. I got jealous by those who do have signs. I asked questions of them often. I changed my alters in hope I'd get some kind of sign. Nobody ever wants to admit that for some of us those signs never come.
I had friends offer to open up to receive messages and those folks had a LOT of wrong messages to share. Not only do people interpret things differently, yet those who don't understand the work I do, don't understand the ways that the middle passage impacts the Caribbean, who don't know my mother identified racially and passed racially as white and ethnically as Puerto Rican and raised a LatiNegra baby girl. A lot of people don't understand Spanish, my mother's first language. And then other people think their knowledge of spirit work or connecting to the dead outweighs your relationship and your power and your knowledge. Guess how many of those people understand anything about rememory, memory, or colonization. None. They thought they did. They had no clue.
This happened to me again and again. And guess what. No signs came. At least not from my mother.
Signs came to me for me by me and the ways I found the path back to myself. I have so many unanswered questions for my mother, ways she harmed me, and ways I don't fully understand what my leaving at 17 meant for her and her parenting. There's so many parts of me that I know she now may see in the ways I needed to be seen.
One friend offered to receive some messages from her and share them with me. Shared with me was this: "Her physical form, how you remember her is hard for her to regain. It's a painful memory for her and feels limiting now." This really clicked quickly for me. My mother's last 2-3 years on the planet were exactly what she did not want. Of course this returning to me in a particular way or form or essence on this planet hurts! And just as I believe there is no expected behavior for people who are experiencing shock or trauma, there's no expected behavior for those who have died and left this planet to return to us.
Read part 7 here.
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