Latinx Heritage Month: #FemmeInMourning 2

Grief is a shapeshifter.

It shows up in so many ways and can shift and move and morph constantly. And just like yesterday when I shared there's no expected behavior for trauma or shock, there's no expectation of grief. We each have our own way to figure out how we are grieving.

There were days when I went back to work after losing my mother and I was at 10% thinking I was at 40% and being functional. There are things we do but that does not mean we are fully present for them at any point in time. Now, 17 months later, I'm realizing that THIS is what it feels like to be 40%.

Because grief shifts its shape I chose to embrace the chaos. I gave myself permission to slide down the wall whenever I needed. I respond honestly to how I am doing when asked; "my moms dead" is how I usually responded. I learned to ask for what I needed bc sometimes the questions are more important than the answers. Knowing I asked for what I wanted and needed helped me cope with the shifting grief. It kept me present when I was being sucked into a depth of hopelessness and death.

My grief today looks similar. It's honest and full. My grief is gaining satisfaction that I have held it and nurtured it and felt it through and through. And there are still days my grief has me sobbing in bed, missing my mother, jealous of those who have theirs still, and completely fucked up. And I give myself permission to feel this and grieve the life I had and the mother who birthed me.

Read the first post to the series here.