Lesson:
Not everyone's ideas of freedom or liberation are the same.
Life Lesson:
I know it's devastating to realize, yet it's important that you do. We all have different ideas of what is freedom and liberation. Not everyone will agree. What you'll have to do is decide how to move towards what you desire in a way that does not harm or oppress others. Your liberation and freedom cannot be granted at the hurt, murder, incarceration, medical abuse, lack of basic needs, removal of love, pleasure, or compassion of others.
Sometimes you won't always realize what this means. Sometimes you may be called out because your ideas of liberation and freedom are hurting others or don't take into account their lived realities. It is ok when your ideas of liberation and freedom change and shift. This is something that will happen as you transform, evolve, un/learn. Don't run from this, it is part of your growth.
*******
Thanks to everyone who read, commented, shared, and supported this writing for Latinx Heritage Month. I was challenged and vulnerable as I shared many of these lessons and the things that brought me to understand them. I also wrote them as a journal entry to myself, how I speak to myself at times of learning, healing, pain, coping, discomfort, liberation. I'm considering creating these in a zine/book format to distribute (for a small fee) to help me raise some funds and support other projects I'm working on, specifically The LatiNegrxs Sexuality Survey (which if you haven't taken it there's still time to do so! I'm also open to critique/feedback/and changes as I know it's not perfect!).
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Read Lessons 1-10, Lessons 11-20, Lesson 21, Lesson 22, Lesson 23, Lesson 24, Lesson 25, Lesson 26, Lesson 27, Lesson 28, Lesson 29, Lesson 30
Showing posts with label woc sexologist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label woc sexologist. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Lesson 30: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
There are consequences to standing on the side of justice.
Life Lesson:
Often these consequences are positive and affirming. Other times they may be negative. Sometimes there are no consequences. Either way, it's important to keep this in mind. When you stand on the side of justice, have convictions, beliefs, values, and goals rooted in love, compassion, and humanity, folks will not always agree with you or your approaches.
Hate and oppression are powerful. They may sometimes be very intimidating to go up against. But when you remind yourself of all the love surrounding you, of the power you embody, and approach each situation from compassion and love, you have already persevered.
You'll remind students of this when you encourage them to stay rooted in their convictions of what they belief is just. For example, when we speak of misogyny you'll remind students that there are consequences to challenging that system and we have so many examples from the language we use on a daily basis or to hurt others, to murder, to how law enforcement engages with survivors of rape, domestic violence, and the like.
Then you will remind students that there are consequences for the people who identify as men or who embody and embrace some/any forms of masculinity and also work to end/challenge misogyny. The ways some target those individuals, how some make them feel unsafe, how folks question their sexual orientation, their goals, their ability to remain in group contact even when they are speaking to their community members from a place of love and compassion.
Folks do not always enjoy being challenged. Sometimes folks respond to that in various ways, they may feel attacked by a call out, but do not realize the gift that is being shared with them. Other folks may move into the compassion and choose to un/learn what they have been taught or hold onto that harms and oppresses others. The important thing, is that when that person, or you, choose to learn from the discomfort, then healing and change may emerge.
There are consequences, and that is not always a negative thing; it is just a reality. When you realize this and you still choose to stand on the side of justice, you have already decided where you belong.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
There are consequences to standing on the side of justice.
Life Lesson:
Often these consequences are positive and affirming. Other times they may be negative. Sometimes there are no consequences. Either way, it's important to keep this in mind. When you stand on the side of justice, have convictions, beliefs, values, and goals rooted in love, compassion, and humanity, folks will not always agree with you or your approaches.
Hate and oppression are powerful. They may sometimes be very intimidating to go up against. But when you remind yourself of all the love surrounding you, of the power you embody, and approach each situation from compassion and love, you have already persevered.
You'll remind students of this when you encourage them to stay rooted in their convictions of what they belief is just. For example, when we speak of misogyny you'll remind students that there are consequences to challenging that system and we have so many examples from the language we use on a daily basis or to hurt others, to murder, to how law enforcement engages with survivors of rape, domestic violence, and the like.
Then you will remind students that there are consequences for the people who identify as men or who embody and embrace some/any forms of masculinity and also work to end/challenge misogyny. The ways some target those individuals, how some make them feel unsafe, how folks question their sexual orientation, their goals, their ability to remain in group contact even when they are speaking to their community members from a place of love and compassion.
Folks do not always enjoy being challenged. Sometimes folks respond to that in various ways, they may feel attacked by a call out, but do not realize the gift that is being shared with them. Other folks may move into the compassion and choose to un/learn what they have been taught or hold onto that harms and oppresses others. The important thing, is that when that person, or you, choose to learn from the discomfort, then healing and change may emerge.
There are consequences, and that is not always a negative thing; it is just a reality. When you realize this and you still choose to stand on the side of justice, you have already decided where you belong.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Monday, October 13, 2014
Lesson 29: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
Rejection is painful sometimes. Yet, every time, that rejection is the universe helping you dodge a bullet!
Life Lesson:
It's difficult to really see past the pain the rejection brings sometimes. It may feel overwhelming, never ending, constant, consistent. As one of your supervisors told you in a meeting: "this may be your right now, but this is not your next."
So much to learn in the rejection. The first thing is to remember rejection is not always a sign that you are a failure or have failed. Rejection is about coming closer to what you need to build and create for yourself. To come closer to your life's purpose. To that happiness you seek and want to bask in for the rest of this life. The rejection is moving you in a different direction.
The idea of "dodging a bullet" when it comes to rejection is very real for you sometimes. You can see how things evolve months or years later in a way that does not stunt your growth and transformation. That's the relief that comes with this realization. Sure it's painful at times, you feel the loss, the vacancy, the loneliness. And with time you will realize the loss is making room for more amazing goodness, that had you held onto that loss you would not have the space for all the goodness. The vacancy that reminds you there is something missing, that you are without, but really that's often a feeling of needing to come inward, to look deep inside as to what is missing. Oftentimes your daily needs are met. It's something else that is not filling you and you know what it may be when you look. That loneliness is not unique to you either. It may feel so, but you are not the first, nor the last, to feel lonely. Plus, folks love you and would happily spend time with you!
All those jobs you were (and will be) rejected from. It's because you know you are supposed to be working on that feature-length documentary, building the family you've always wanted (no matter how untraditional), minimizing distractions to complete the work you've already done and that brings you joy, looking for funding to support your independent research, taking care of your body without distractions, getting the rest you need, supporting your community, building the spaces you need and want in this world. The list is endless as to what that rejection really offers you.
Don't see the rejection as failure, see it as opportunity. As the reminder you have more to do that may be beyond your understanding, but what you need will come to you when you do the work you need and love to do. Don't let rejection dim your shine. There's no time for any of that. You've got too much to share and create.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Rejection is painful sometimes. Yet, every time, that rejection is the universe helping you dodge a bullet!
Life Lesson:
It's difficult to really see past the pain the rejection brings sometimes. It may feel overwhelming, never ending, constant, consistent. As one of your supervisors told you in a meeting: "this may be your right now, but this is not your next."
So much to learn in the rejection. The first thing is to remember rejection is not always a sign that you are a failure or have failed. Rejection is about coming closer to what you need to build and create for yourself. To come closer to your life's purpose. To that happiness you seek and want to bask in for the rest of this life. The rejection is moving you in a different direction.
The idea of "dodging a bullet" when it comes to rejection is very real for you sometimes. You can see how things evolve months or years later in a way that does not stunt your growth and transformation. That's the relief that comes with this realization. Sure it's painful at times, you feel the loss, the vacancy, the loneliness. And with time you will realize the loss is making room for more amazing goodness, that had you held onto that loss you would not have the space for all the goodness. The vacancy that reminds you there is something missing, that you are without, but really that's often a feeling of needing to come inward, to look deep inside as to what is missing. Oftentimes your daily needs are met. It's something else that is not filling you and you know what it may be when you look. That loneliness is not unique to you either. It may feel so, but you are not the first, nor the last, to feel lonely. Plus, folks love you and would happily spend time with you!
All those jobs you were (and will be) rejected from. It's because you know you are supposed to be working on that feature-length documentary, building the family you've always wanted (no matter how untraditional), minimizing distractions to complete the work you've already done and that brings you joy, looking for funding to support your independent research, taking care of your body without distractions, getting the rest you need, supporting your community, building the spaces you need and want in this world. The list is endless as to what that rejection really offers you.
Don't see the rejection as failure, see it as opportunity. As the reminder you have more to do that may be beyond your understanding, but what you need will come to you when you do the work you need and love to do. Don't let rejection dim your shine. There's no time for any of that. You've got too much to share and create.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Lesson 28: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
There is something to learn in discomfort.
Life Lesson:
Especially if this discomfort comes while listening to a lecture, something that has challenged you. You realized this late in the game. Your initial response to the discomfort was to react in a way that was sometimes distracting to what the lesson could be for you. Sometimes you got so upset you had to remove yourself.
Those are lessons. There are some forms of discomfort that you must physically remove yourself from (if you are able to). There are others that bring an immediate reaction to that is negative. After all, being uncomfortable makes many of us not happy. It's not pleasant to experience, especially in a public space where others may see you. You learn about your boundaries, your triggers, and what you need to do to take care of yourself.
You may also learn about what you need to unlearn. What you've believed to be one singular truth, may not be challenged. And that you must sit with and process. If it is uncomfortable to hear of something that challenges a way you've been taught, it is ok to sit with that discomfort and figure out where the root of that discomfort stems from. Sometimes it's not because of the information given or who the messenger may be. Instead it is often about how you feel like you've been lied to, hoodwinked, sold something that was false.
It is also ok to share that you are uncomfortable. Claim what your body, mind, and spirit are sending you. Be transparent, as you may not be the only one. Speaking of your discomfort may also be healing for you or others.
You've had strong physical reactions to discomfort as well. Sometimes these are physically painful and you must remove yourself from the space. This is ok too. As your energy healer once asked you: "if the pain returns, what would you say to the pain?" Think about what you want that pain to know if it does return. What can you learn about that pain and how to ease from it and learn to. How may you choose to protect yourself from this pain in ways that still leave you open enough to build?
You will remind your students of this lesson too. That when they learn of structural, institutional, systemic forms of oppression they will experience discomfort. That warm feeling that embodies you and creeps through your entire being is real! Taking deep breaths will help bring some calm. It may also help you ask yourself "what am I reacting to? Why is this reaction so strong?" These are important questions.
Feelings of discomfort do not mean you have failed. It is something many of us experience. It means you are human. It represents a learning experience. Learn from the discomfort. Let it transform you in a healing way.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
There is something to learn in discomfort.
Life Lesson:
Especially if this discomfort comes while listening to a lecture, something that has challenged you. You realized this late in the game. Your initial response to the discomfort was to react in a way that was sometimes distracting to what the lesson could be for you. Sometimes you got so upset you had to remove yourself.
Those are lessons. There are some forms of discomfort that you must physically remove yourself from (if you are able to). There are others that bring an immediate reaction to that is negative. After all, being uncomfortable makes many of us not happy. It's not pleasant to experience, especially in a public space where others may see you. You learn about your boundaries, your triggers, and what you need to do to take care of yourself.
You may also learn about what you need to unlearn. What you've believed to be one singular truth, may not be challenged. And that you must sit with and process. If it is uncomfortable to hear of something that challenges a way you've been taught, it is ok to sit with that discomfort and figure out where the root of that discomfort stems from. Sometimes it's not because of the information given or who the messenger may be. Instead it is often about how you feel like you've been lied to, hoodwinked, sold something that was false.
It is also ok to share that you are uncomfortable. Claim what your body, mind, and spirit are sending you. Be transparent, as you may not be the only one. Speaking of your discomfort may also be healing for you or others.
You've had strong physical reactions to discomfort as well. Sometimes these are physically painful and you must remove yourself from the space. This is ok too. As your energy healer once asked you: "if the pain returns, what would you say to the pain?" Think about what you want that pain to know if it does return. What can you learn about that pain and how to ease from it and learn to. How may you choose to protect yourself from this pain in ways that still leave you open enough to build?
You will remind your students of this lesson too. That when they learn of structural, institutional, systemic forms of oppression they will experience discomfort. That warm feeling that embodies you and creeps through your entire being is real! Taking deep breaths will help bring some calm. It may also help you ask yourself "what am I reacting to? Why is this reaction so strong?" These are important questions.
Feelings of discomfort do not mean you have failed. It is something many of us experience. It means you are human. It represents a learning experience. Learn from the discomfort. Let it transform you in a healing way.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Lesson 27: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
Try not to compare your accomplishments to others accomplishments. You complete what you need to when you need to.
Life Lesson:
In a world and at a time when folks are so invested in being published, having TED talks, making 6 figures; you have to remember these are not your goals. You don't want to publish a book, promote it, have folks critique your writing (been there done that). (Yet, let's be honest you will write a book because nobody is writing what needs to be said to save the lives of young Black girls and girls of Color in the US about sex/uality the way you can and will!) Your strengths lie in editing and critiquing.
You don't want to do a TED talk, everyone has one, but you don't need one. You got video of you doing presentations on.your.own.terms. Homies offered to video you, do the sound, and give you the product, for free because they believe in you! You don't have to follow the wack rules of some organization that gives everyone a TED talk. If you wanted one you'd have it, we all know this, so do you! You already do. Plus, you too busy making feature-length documentaries that will change the world and conversation! Nobody's TED talk has done that.
About that 6 figures.... You know, you are not a capitalist. You are a survivalist. You don't need money that is in that amount. You just want some comfort and food security. You want to be able to help your homies when they are in need. Maybe start a scholarship fund, fund the Women of Color Sexual Health Network, The LatiNegr@s Project, and help your family. Other than that, the rest is extra you don't really need. You don't mind doing the work you love for a livable wage.
So when you see folks getting published off your work, using your organizations and shine as stepping stones, it's not that you are not successful or accomplished. It's that your shine is so bright others can thrive off of it and find what they need. Now, THAT'S SOME POWERFUL STUFF. You are powerful, remember? Your accomplishments are your own and nobody can take them away!
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Try not to compare your accomplishments to others accomplishments. You complete what you need to when you need to.
Life Lesson:
In a world and at a time when folks are so invested in being published, having TED talks, making 6 figures; you have to remember these are not your goals. You don't want to publish a book, promote it, have folks critique your writing (been there done that). (Yet, let's be honest you will write a book because nobody is writing what needs to be said to save the lives of young Black girls and girls of Color in the US about sex/uality the way you can and will!) Your strengths lie in editing and critiquing.
You don't want to do a TED talk, everyone has one, but you don't need one. You got video of you doing presentations on.your.own.terms. Homies offered to video you, do the sound, and give you the product, for free because they believe in you! You don't have to follow the wack rules of some organization that gives everyone a TED talk. If you wanted one you'd have it, we all know this, so do you! You already do. Plus, you too busy making feature-length documentaries that will change the world and conversation! Nobody's TED talk has done that.
About that 6 figures.... You know, you are not a capitalist. You are a survivalist. You don't need money that is in that amount. You just want some comfort and food security. You want to be able to help your homies when they are in need. Maybe start a scholarship fund, fund the Women of Color Sexual Health Network, The LatiNegr@s Project, and help your family. Other than that, the rest is extra you don't really need. You don't mind doing the work you love for a livable wage.
So when you see folks getting published off your work, using your organizations and shine as stepping stones, it's not that you are not successful or accomplished. It's that your shine is so bright others can thrive off of it and find what they need. Now, THAT'S SOME POWERFUL STUFF. You are powerful, remember? Your accomplishments are your own and nobody can take them away!
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Friday, October 10, 2014
Lesson 26: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
It's ok to rest.
Life Lesson:
Give yourself permission to rest. You deserve it. You have earned it. You need to rest to do the work you want to do. Listen to your body. Trust yourself. Prioritize your rest. See it as self-care. Get some rest.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
It's ok to rest.
Life Lesson:
Give yourself permission to rest. You deserve it. You have earned it. You need to rest to do the work you want to do. Listen to your body. Trust yourself. Prioritize your rest. See it as self-care. Get some rest.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Lesson 25: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
Pay homage to Henrietta Lacks.
Life Lesson:
Many folks will remember Henrietta Lacks and her life because of a book published about her. This book will be deeply problematic for numerous reasons. What you will need to remember is to pay homage to her in the ways you can and that make the best sense to you.
This may mean continuing your journey working to educate folks on HPV and cervical cancer. This will become even more important to you when you have cancerous cells on your cervix. The fact that you are benefiting from the medical abuse and misuse of her body and the legacy of her family will trouble you for eternity. How can you find so much survival in the abuse of another Black woman's body?
You will be absorbed in figuring this out. It impacts you so intimately. You will write about it and ask for suggestions and others will be at a loss. You will attend events throughout Maryland, DC, and NYC. Still looking. You begin to realize that the way you can pay homage to Henrietta Lacks is to take care of your body in the ways she was not able to take care of hers because of anti-Black racism, sexism, misogyny, and structural -isms.
This means reminding yourself how powerful you are when you go to the gym and lift weights. It means asking your homies if they want to go to the gym with you, even when they say over and over they cannot. This means creating the discipline to take care of your body in the ways you can at this time. That is the homage you can pay to Henrietta and all she's offered you, others, and this world we know today.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Pay homage to Henrietta Lacks.
Life Lesson:
Many folks will remember Henrietta Lacks and her life because of a book published about her. This book will be deeply problematic for numerous reasons. What you will need to remember is to pay homage to her in the ways you can and that make the best sense to you.
This may mean continuing your journey working to educate folks on HPV and cervical cancer. This will become even more important to you when you have cancerous cells on your cervix. The fact that you are benefiting from the medical abuse and misuse of her body and the legacy of her family will trouble you for eternity. How can you find so much survival in the abuse of another Black woman's body?
You will be absorbed in figuring this out. It impacts you so intimately. You will write about it and ask for suggestions and others will be at a loss. You will attend events throughout Maryland, DC, and NYC. Still looking. You begin to realize that the way you can pay homage to Henrietta Lacks is to take care of your body in the ways she was not able to take care of hers because of anti-Black racism, sexism, misogyny, and structural -isms.
This means reminding yourself how powerful you are when you go to the gym and lift weights. It means asking your homies if they want to go to the gym with you, even when they say over and over they cannot. This means creating the discipline to take care of your body in the ways you can at this time. That is the homage you can pay to Henrietta and all she's offered you, others, and this world we know today.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Lesson 24: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
You belong everywhere you want to be.
Life Lesson:
This is a difficult lesson to remember. But that doesn't mean it isn't true when you begin to remember and recognize. At the end of each semester I usually tell this to my students. Especially if they are graduating or it is the end of the Spring semester. We belong where we want to be.
So yes, for me that is in a space where there are more people of Color in the sexology field. I knew I belonged in this field. I knew it at a very young age. I also knew how color-free the US sexology field is and remains. This didn't ever make me feel as though I could never be in the field. There was something that told me I belong here. When I realized it was my own desire, shine, confidence, knowledge, my own magic self, the universe, the dearth, the pleasure, and everything I don't have the language to explain right now.
I knew, and sometimes I forget, but this is an important one to remember. Just because we want to be somewhere doesn't mean it will be easy. Knowing I belong in the US sexology field is not easy. It's also not a well paying place to be either. Especially with the values and convictions I have and hold and share. Yet, I know this is where I belong because this is where I choose to be.
I'd never considered going to Burning Man. I mean sitting around with a bunch of white folks burning things in the desert never appealed to me. Actually it triggered me in so many ways! Yet, now that there are Black folks in my life who identify as Burners, who value that experience enough to save thousands of dollars a year, and now that I have a partner who is committed to having us be in that space for 2015, I have a desire to experience that, even if just once. And I know I will belong there, even if there are just a handful of Black burners. (get at me if you are one! or a POC Burner in general!)
When you realize you belong where you are, you shine brighter. Your awesome is harder to deny. Your brilliance is revealed even more to you and others. The pleasure you experience expands and transforms you. When you acknowledge where you want to be, even if it's a space you never imagined being, that is where the real living of life comes in for you, Bi. That's where you unlearn and learn so much. It's where you can produce knowledge, media, conversations, and build all that you want to build.
You belong here. You belong everywhere you want to be!
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
You belong everywhere you want to be.
Life Lesson:
This is a difficult lesson to remember. But that doesn't mean it isn't true when you begin to remember and recognize. At the end of each semester I usually tell this to my students. Especially if they are graduating or it is the end of the Spring semester. We belong where we want to be.
So yes, for me that is in a space where there are more people of Color in the sexology field. I knew I belonged in this field. I knew it at a very young age. I also knew how color-free the US sexology field is and remains. This didn't ever make me feel as though I could never be in the field. There was something that told me I belong here. When I realized it was my own desire, shine, confidence, knowledge, my own magic self, the universe, the dearth, the pleasure, and everything I don't have the language to explain right now.
I knew, and sometimes I forget, but this is an important one to remember. Just because we want to be somewhere doesn't mean it will be easy. Knowing I belong in the US sexology field is not easy. It's also not a well paying place to be either. Especially with the values and convictions I have and hold and share. Yet, I know this is where I belong because this is where I choose to be.
I'd never considered going to Burning Man. I mean sitting around with a bunch of white folks burning things in the desert never appealed to me. Actually it triggered me in so many ways! Yet, now that there are Black folks in my life who identify as Burners, who value that experience enough to save thousands of dollars a year, and now that I have a partner who is committed to having us be in that space for 2015, I have a desire to experience that, even if just once. And I know I will belong there, even if there are just a handful of Black burners. (get at me if you are one! or a POC Burner in general!)
When you realize you belong where you are, you shine brighter. Your awesome is harder to deny. Your brilliance is revealed even more to you and others. The pleasure you experience expands and transforms you. When you acknowledge where you want to be, even if it's a space you never imagined being, that is where the real living of life comes in for you, Bi. That's where you unlearn and learn so much. It's where you can produce knowledge, media, conversations, and build all that you want to build.
You belong here. You belong everywhere you want to be!
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Lesson 23: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
People heal in different ways.
Life Lesson:
It seems obvious, but sometimes you have to remember this. When folks say or act a particular way, and you know it is not their best self, remember they may be healing from something in a different way. I'd go as far as to remind you that as long as another person's healing does not harm another, that those healing practices are ok for them, even if they are not ones you'd do for yourself.
Healing is deeply personal, and what has worked for you: healing with your community, healing publicly, healing with individuals, healing alone and privately, may not work for others. Some folks find healing in various places and spaces. Some folks go into the sexology field to find healing, like you did. Others go into kink or BDSM communities and find their healing. Other folks find healing through traditional Western medications or therapies. Others find it in a spiritual belief system. There are many paths to healing. Your job is not to judge those paths. Sometimes your job is to get out of the way to not obstruct that path!
All of those forms are valid for that person. You do not need to judge someone else and their healing practices, especially because you know how it feels when folks judge yours. It's never supportive and it can be more damaging. There is so much healing that needs to happen for you still. You have yet to really be in a space to realize some of the healing you must do too. Sometimes witnessing others healing may help reveal yours too.
This is a lifelong process for some. The wounds and trauma run deep. For some of us, like you, your existence may be a reality of some of that historical trauma. When you are seen as a 'throwback' to the stain in your families narrative of being pure Spanish blood, that's a legacy of trauma that you remind folks occurred with your existence and presence. You belong here. You deserve healing. So does everyone else.
Lean into the healing. There is some scary things in there, but there's also the liberation you sought and it may be there for others too, in their own way, in their own time.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
People heal in different ways.
Life Lesson:
It seems obvious, but sometimes you have to remember this. When folks say or act a particular way, and you know it is not their best self, remember they may be healing from something in a different way. I'd go as far as to remind you that as long as another person's healing does not harm another, that those healing practices are ok for them, even if they are not ones you'd do for yourself.
Healing is deeply personal, and what has worked for you: healing with your community, healing publicly, healing with individuals, healing alone and privately, may not work for others. Some folks find healing in various places and spaces. Some folks go into the sexology field to find healing, like you did. Others go into kink or BDSM communities and find their healing. Other folks find healing through traditional Western medications or therapies. Others find it in a spiritual belief system. There are many paths to healing. Your job is not to judge those paths. Sometimes your job is to get out of the way to not obstruct that path!
All of those forms are valid for that person. You do not need to judge someone else and their healing practices, especially because you know how it feels when folks judge yours. It's never supportive and it can be more damaging. There is so much healing that needs to happen for you still. You have yet to really be in a space to realize some of the healing you must do too. Sometimes witnessing others healing may help reveal yours too.
This is a lifelong process for some. The wounds and trauma run deep. For some of us, like you, your existence may be a reality of some of that historical trauma. When you are seen as a 'throwback' to the stain in your families narrative of being pure Spanish blood, that's a legacy of trauma that you remind folks occurred with your existence and presence. You belong here. You deserve healing. So does everyone else.
Lean into the healing. There is some scary things in there, but there's also the liberation you sought and it may be there for others too, in their own way, in their own time.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Monday, October 6, 2014
Lesson 22: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
Focus on pleasure.
Life Lesson:
Because we, as people of Color, as Latinx, as Black people, as LatiNegrxs we always already hear and know about negative consequences and outcomes. Sex and sexuality are not always negative things. We deserve to have an outlet and experience that affirms we experience pleasure. Each of us, no matter what our bodies look like, the color of our skin, how our genitals look, we are all capable of pleasure, and many times it's not even something our genitals need to be a part of!
You'll find a space, a much needed space, to fill when you focus on the pleasure of POC. We are already coping with our own healing and safety topics. Some of us choose to do that healing and coping by focusing on pleasure and happiness. This is amazing and we each deserve to have that decision honored and treated with respect and integrity.
One of the reasons you will be so successful is because you give yourself permission to experience pleasure, often and unapologetically. You share some of those experiences, you live them, your shine is one folks see and are drawn to and curious. This reminds folks of their deserving of pleasure. If you've been able to find it during times of ultimate stress, frustration, and the like, others will find this to be useful. Others may have questions. At the end of the day, everyone seeks pleasure in some way that fits into their lives.
The organizations and positions you hold that center pleasure will be ones you thrive in. You will stay with those spaces because your shine will be so unbeatable you will feel and be cherished. You won't feel disposable because those spaces share so many of the same values you do, especially for the most oppressed folks in our communities. This is where you belong, doing that work!
Focus on the pleasure and your pleasure will intensify.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Focus on pleasure.
Life Lesson:
Because we, as people of Color, as Latinx, as Black people, as LatiNegrxs we always already hear and know about negative consequences and outcomes. Sex and sexuality are not always negative things. We deserve to have an outlet and experience that affirms we experience pleasure. Each of us, no matter what our bodies look like, the color of our skin, how our genitals look, we are all capable of pleasure, and many times it's not even something our genitals need to be a part of!
You'll find a space, a much needed space, to fill when you focus on the pleasure of POC. We are already coping with our own healing and safety topics. Some of us choose to do that healing and coping by focusing on pleasure and happiness. This is amazing and we each deserve to have that decision honored and treated with respect and integrity.
One of the reasons you will be so successful is because you give yourself permission to experience pleasure, often and unapologetically. You share some of those experiences, you live them, your shine is one folks see and are drawn to and curious. This reminds folks of their deserving of pleasure. If you've been able to find it during times of ultimate stress, frustration, and the like, others will find this to be useful. Others may have questions. At the end of the day, everyone seeks pleasure in some way that fits into their lives.
The organizations and positions you hold that center pleasure will be ones you thrive in. You will stay with those spaces because your shine will be so unbeatable you will feel and be cherished. You won't feel disposable because those spaces share so many of the same values you do, especially for the most oppressed folks in our communities. This is where you belong, doing that work!
Focus on the pleasure and your pleasure will intensify.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Lesson 21: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
Asking for help is a gift. It is a gift you are giving to the folks you are asking for help from. It is a gift you give yourself.
Life Lesson:
It's scary to ask for help sometimes. But when you realize that what you need is something that folks can provide you, it is a gift to ask them for help. People love you so much! People recognize the power and magic that you embody. When you ask for help, people respond. People feel seen, appreciated, honored that you have seen in them something that can help support and build you up.
Asking for help is a gift you give yourself too. When you realize you can't do it all, you can't always get it right, you will grow and evolve through what you learn and unlearn, that is a gift. Realizing when you need help and how to ask for it is the gift you give yourself too. It is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength and being reflexive and astute.
Sometimes it is difficult to view help as a gift; especially when you are the one asking for help. But you know how good and accomplished and needed you feel when folks ask you for help, or when you can help. That's an amazing feeling and that's the type of vibe and energy the community you want to be in can thrive on.
Let the shame, embarrassment, feelings of failure and fault release from your thoughts. I know it's a challenge, but overcoming that shame and challenge will lead to greater gifts and more solidarity than you ever believed was available! Help comes in many forms, don't limit your ideas of what that may look like for you at any time. Stay open to how it manifests and comes your way.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Asking for help is a gift. It is a gift you are giving to the folks you are asking for help from. It is a gift you give yourself.
Life Lesson:
It's scary to ask for help sometimes. But when you realize that what you need is something that folks can provide you, it is a gift to ask them for help. People love you so much! People recognize the power and magic that you embody. When you ask for help, people respond. People feel seen, appreciated, honored that you have seen in them something that can help support and build you up.
Asking for help is a gift you give yourself too. When you realize you can't do it all, you can't always get it right, you will grow and evolve through what you learn and unlearn, that is a gift. Realizing when you need help and how to ask for it is the gift you give yourself too. It is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength and being reflexive and astute.
Sometimes it is difficult to view help as a gift; especially when you are the one asking for help. But you know how good and accomplished and needed you feel when folks ask you for help, or when you can help. That's an amazing feeling and that's the type of vibe and energy the community you want to be in can thrive on.
Let the shame, embarrassment, feelings of failure and fault release from your thoughts. I know it's a challenge, but overcoming that shame and challenge will lead to greater gifts and more solidarity than you ever believed was available! Help comes in many forms, don't limit your ideas of what that may look like for you at any time. Stay open to how it manifests and comes your way.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Lesson 20: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
Keep what you do as accessible as possible!
Life Lesson:
People learn in so many different ways! You know this as one of those people who excelled with educators who understood this and embraced it in the classroom setting. It's one of the ways you build your workshops, curricula, and trainings.
Sometimes folks are so deeply rooted in their own ableism they do not recognize how to make things accessible, they do not see how they are creating barriers. Even those of us with various sorts of disabilities maintain some level of ableism. We all have to actively work to challenge that and it's an on-going experience and endeavor.
If this means asking for an organization or school to provide ASL during your workshop, be ready to provide suggestions for local ASL interpreters. If you provide handouts, make sure the language is accessible, the font large enough, and offer it as an email attachment for folks who need or use audio support. Be mindful of how quickly you may be speaking, make eye contact with folks who ask direct questions, and be open to folks suggestions.
You lose nothing by making your work more accessible to more people. It means your reach expands and impacts a population of people who are often ignored in the sexology field. Opening yourself to learning ways to reach more folks, build new networks and connections, and support those who are already doing the work, is often the best direction for you to go.
Sometimes, when you don't have time or resources to make something more accessible, it is ok to mention that before beginning. It is ok to recognize publicly that you are not able, at this time, to create what you would like to because of certain restraints and restrictions. Oftentimes folks will appreciate this, sometimes it's just the honesty people respect enough to help you with what you were not able to do. Let folks help you.
Read lessons 1-19 via the links below:
Lessons 1-10, Lesson 11, Lesson 12, Lesson 13, Lesson 14, Lesson 15, Lesson 16, Lesson 17, Lesson 18, Lesson 19
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Keep what you do as accessible as possible!
Life Lesson:
People learn in so many different ways! You know this as one of those people who excelled with educators who understood this and embraced it in the classroom setting. It's one of the ways you build your workshops, curricula, and trainings.
Sometimes folks are so deeply rooted in their own ableism they do not recognize how to make things accessible, they do not see how they are creating barriers. Even those of us with various sorts of disabilities maintain some level of ableism. We all have to actively work to challenge that and it's an on-going experience and endeavor.
If this means asking for an organization or school to provide ASL during your workshop, be ready to provide suggestions for local ASL interpreters. If you provide handouts, make sure the language is accessible, the font large enough, and offer it as an email attachment for folks who need or use audio support. Be mindful of how quickly you may be speaking, make eye contact with folks who ask direct questions, and be open to folks suggestions.
You lose nothing by making your work more accessible to more people. It means your reach expands and impacts a population of people who are often ignored in the sexology field. Opening yourself to learning ways to reach more folks, build new networks and connections, and support those who are already doing the work, is often the best direction for you to go.
Sometimes, when you don't have time or resources to make something more accessible, it is ok to mention that before beginning. It is ok to recognize publicly that you are not able, at this time, to create what you would like to because of certain restraints and restrictions. Oftentimes folks will appreciate this, sometimes it's just the honesty people respect enough to help you with what you were not able to do. Let folks help you.
Read lessons 1-19 via the links below:
Lessons 1-10, Lesson 11, Lesson 12, Lesson 13, Lesson 14, Lesson 15, Lesson 16, Lesson 17, Lesson 18, Lesson 19
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Friday, October 3, 2014
Lesson 19: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
Movement is important, don't forget to move!
Life Lesson:
Folks will be encouraging you to move to lose weight for the entirety of your life. When you realize you enjoy moving, dancing, and the like, you do it for yourself. When you divest in weight loss you enjoy movement. When you realize how much you move when you teach and present, you realize the importance of moving each day.
During summer and winter breaks from teaching that go up to 2-4 weeks, your body forgets how important it is to move. When you begin to move on a regular basis you will not be as tired and in pain in an achy way when classes are back in session. Your back injury will begin to heal more solidly.
Moving when you are not teaching makes you feel powerful too. When you decide to begin going to the gym for your own self-care, you will find new strength in your body. You are stronger, physically, than you ever imagined. Sometimes you don't get to the gym, and that's ok. As long as you have the discipline to continue to go on a regular basis.
You hate the gym, you dislike all that goes into getting ready to and being at the gym. But you like the end result: increased energy, continuous movement, not feeling achy throughout the day, feeling strong, being stronger, reminding yourself you are powerful.
It's an added bonus when the dudes who go around flexing in the gym do a double take on what you are lifting. It's also a nice reminder you are strong in more ways than you know. It feels good to take care of yourself on your own terms. This is your choice and you get to do what you want to feel good in your body.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Movement is important, don't forget to move!
Life Lesson:
Folks will be encouraging you to move to lose weight for the entirety of your life. When you realize you enjoy moving, dancing, and the like, you do it for yourself. When you divest in weight loss you enjoy movement. When you realize how much you move when you teach and present, you realize the importance of moving each day.
During summer and winter breaks from teaching that go up to 2-4 weeks, your body forgets how important it is to move. When you begin to move on a regular basis you will not be as tired and in pain in an achy way when classes are back in session. Your back injury will begin to heal more solidly.
Moving when you are not teaching makes you feel powerful too. When you decide to begin going to the gym for your own self-care, you will find new strength in your body. You are stronger, physically, than you ever imagined. Sometimes you don't get to the gym, and that's ok. As long as you have the discipline to continue to go on a regular basis.
You hate the gym, you dislike all that goes into getting ready to and being at the gym. But you like the end result: increased energy, continuous movement, not feeling achy throughout the day, feeling strong, being stronger, reminding yourself you are powerful.
It's an added bonus when the dudes who go around flexing in the gym do a double take on what you are lifting. It's also a nice reminder you are strong in more ways than you know. It feels good to take care of yourself on your own terms. This is your choice and you get to do what you want to feel good in your body.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Lesson 18: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
If there is a choice to be seen as right versus understood, the latter has more positive outcomes.
Life Lesson:
Because you already know what is right for you. Nobody can tell you otherwise if it is rooted in your beliefs and values. And then what? Being right doesn't always have it's advantages. For example, say you are having a discussion with supervisors. You know you are right about having and using more inclusive language. You know this is vital to reaching more populations. These folks don't understand why there is value. Don't internalize this as needing to prove you are right, go about it differently.
Instead of arguing to be right, make the points to be understood. Explain why inclusive language will have a positive impact. Be clear about what it means to be understood. If you strive to simply be right, what will happen next? If you want something specific to happen, such as change in language, being right doesn't mean that language change will occur.
It's a strategy. It's also a form of self-care in working situations where you don't get paid enough to be educating folks as your primary role. If what you need is to get things done, being right will not always have that outcome. Being understood may get you closer to what you need to have happen.
The outcomes you wish to have may not always manifest. This will happen especially when you are working within other organizations, especially those with funders and lots of rules and guidelines. To strive to be understood will open up an opportunity for you to understand where resistance and fear may lie with those you work with.
People don't always have the language to discuss a lot of what you are trying to do and the change you are seeking to create and be a part of in your communities. For this reason, you must go into some spaces seeking understanding because the language may not be present or available. Many folks have never heard of certain terms, and if they have they are loaded with so many stereotypes and myths and those create barriers.
You know what is right for you. There is no proof you must offer to demonstrate what you believe is right. Strive for being understood and you will be closer to building the communities, networks, spaces, and experiences you desire and deserve. This will also help you weed out folks who will be a drain and just take up space.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
If there is a choice to be seen as right versus understood, the latter has more positive outcomes.
Life Lesson:
Because you already know what is right for you. Nobody can tell you otherwise if it is rooted in your beliefs and values. And then what? Being right doesn't always have it's advantages. For example, say you are having a discussion with supervisors. You know you are right about having and using more inclusive language. You know this is vital to reaching more populations. These folks don't understand why there is value. Don't internalize this as needing to prove you are right, go about it differently.
Instead of arguing to be right, make the points to be understood. Explain why inclusive language will have a positive impact. Be clear about what it means to be understood. If you strive to simply be right, what will happen next? If you want something specific to happen, such as change in language, being right doesn't mean that language change will occur.
It's a strategy. It's also a form of self-care in working situations where you don't get paid enough to be educating folks as your primary role. If what you need is to get things done, being right will not always have that outcome. Being understood may get you closer to what you need to have happen.
The outcomes you wish to have may not always manifest. This will happen especially when you are working within other organizations, especially those with funders and lots of rules and guidelines. To strive to be understood will open up an opportunity for you to understand where resistance and fear may lie with those you work with.
People don't always have the language to discuss a lot of what you are trying to do and the change you are seeking to create and be a part of in your communities. For this reason, you must go into some spaces seeking understanding because the language may not be present or available. Many folks have never heard of certain terms, and if they have they are loaded with so many stereotypes and myths and those create barriers.
You know what is right for you. There is no proof you must offer to demonstrate what you believe is right. Strive for being understood and you will be closer to building the communities, networks, spaces, and experiences you desire and deserve. This will also help you weed out folks who will be a drain and just take up space.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Lesson 17: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
Drink more water when it is available.
Life Lesson:
Seriously. You do so much talking, to not have a bottle of water that you may refill and reuse is ludicrous since you have water bottles you've gotten for free at events! You'll realize this the hard way, so just do it now before it gets too difficult! Water will save your life and change it at the same time.
When you start drinking more water you will feel a physical difference too. Not just a level of comfort, but the ability to continue to do your work in the ways you need. You'll feel more energized, not be as tired, and your body will not ache as much as you are used to feeling some times.
Ok, so you were not raised always drinking water, it was available, but it was not always drinkable from the tap as you were growing up. It's not ever drinkable when you are traveling to your homeland outside the US, and sometimes in most areas abroad. So this drinking water thing will be new to you, but the sooner you begin to do this the less negative and difficult experiences you will have as you do trainings and teach.
Plus, you are human. Our bodies need to be taken care of in specific ways and you are learning how to care for your body. Your body needs and wants water on a regular basis. You know what it's like to be deprived of something (a liveable wage, quality food to consume, transportation, healthcare, mentors, etc.) so when you have the ability to not continue that deprivation take it seriously! Just drink the water.
Imagine you are drinking something else if it's a challenge at first, chug that sucker down, feel the refreshing sensation, remember the times you wanted something and could not have it because it was not available and bask in the water you have access to consuming.
You also realize how water is connected to the lives and deaths of so many of the worlds populations. That one of the biggest issues facing us in the future is water availability. The drought going on in the western part of the US is just one sign of what is to come in this country. But don't wait for that, look to what is going on in other parts of the world where water is not available.
Access to water is essential. Just as you advocate for comprehensive sexuality education to include race, class, immigration status, gender, sexual orientation, HIV status, disability, incarceration history, and the like, you see how vital water is as well. You don't need to always purchase bottled water, especially in the spaces you occupy most often, so consume it when it is free from the tap as often as you can.
Water is one of the many ways you need to be ready and prepared for what the future will bring. Go read Popular Science's issue on water when you need a reminder.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Drink more water when it is available.
Life Lesson:
Seriously. You do so much talking, to not have a bottle of water that you may refill and reuse is ludicrous since you have water bottles you've gotten for free at events! You'll realize this the hard way, so just do it now before it gets too difficult! Water will save your life and change it at the same time.
When you start drinking more water you will feel a physical difference too. Not just a level of comfort, but the ability to continue to do your work in the ways you need. You'll feel more energized, not be as tired, and your body will not ache as much as you are used to feeling some times.
Ok, so you were not raised always drinking water, it was available, but it was not always drinkable from the tap as you were growing up. It's not ever drinkable when you are traveling to your homeland outside the US, and sometimes in most areas abroad. So this drinking water thing will be new to you, but the sooner you begin to do this the less negative and difficult experiences you will have as you do trainings and teach.
Plus, you are human. Our bodies need to be taken care of in specific ways and you are learning how to care for your body. Your body needs and wants water on a regular basis. You know what it's like to be deprived of something (a liveable wage, quality food to consume, transportation, healthcare, mentors, etc.) so when you have the ability to not continue that deprivation take it seriously! Just drink the water.
Imagine you are drinking something else if it's a challenge at first, chug that sucker down, feel the refreshing sensation, remember the times you wanted something and could not have it because it was not available and bask in the water you have access to consuming.
You also realize how water is connected to the lives and deaths of so many of the worlds populations. That one of the biggest issues facing us in the future is water availability. The drought going on in the western part of the US is just one sign of what is to come in this country. But don't wait for that, look to what is going on in other parts of the world where water is not available.
Access to water is essential. Just as you advocate for comprehensive sexuality education to include race, class, immigration status, gender, sexual orientation, HIV status, disability, incarceration history, and the like, you see how vital water is as well. You don't need to always purchase bottled water, especially in the spaces you occupy most often, so consume it when it is free from the tap as often as you can.
Water is one of the many ways you need to be ready and prepared for what the future will bring. Go read Popular Science's issue on water when you need a reminder.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Lesson 16: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
Be careful and make conscious decisions about what organizations, people, spaces, and projects of which you will be affiliated.
Life Lesson:
Folks will exploit you. You may be the first LatiNegra they have ever encountered in the field, and they may want to use you to represent a "diversity" they are not committed to in any way. You may also interact with people who have a history of being oppressive and crappy to other people you care about.
Always research before committing. Ask those hard questions before, like "what are your policies and actions around outreach and maintaining a diverse and inclusive space?" Be ready for folks to come with a standard form response, and be ready to disengage. You don't ever have to endorse someone you don't believe is someone you would want to be affiliated with.
There are lots of folks who have great intentions and do crappy things along the way. It's up to you if you want to build with them. But what you have learned is that when you can't find the space and folks you wish to have around you, you build your own spaces and organizations.
It's also ok to leave those spaces and organizations you've left when the time has come. Those spaces need to grow and evolve just like you did when you created them. Having you in a leadership position isn't always the best thing for the organization or for you. Other folks will have a vision and the energy to push that space in a direction you may not be able to do or go. That is the gift you give those who come after you: a space to push in a new exciting direction.
Ask those hard questions and push folks who you are committed to building with. When people don't have a solid understanding of gender or are using gender specific language, and you believe this is something that impacts a person because of how they were created and born into this world: speak on it! If it is about cervical cancer, push to make language and spaces inclusive of everyone who was born with a cervix and push that org to do better, learn more, reach more broadly, and be more inclusive.
Do that work if you have the energy. Do the work you are dedicated to. Do not let the work run you over, suck you dry, manipulate you, or cause you continuous pain (because this path is painful at times, until you find your way and hold onto your convictions).
Folks need you to do this because you have the power you have and can use it with versus over other folks.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Be careful and make conscious decisions about what organizations, people, spaces, and projects of which you will be affiliated.
Life Lesson:
Folks will exploit you. You may be the first LatiNegra they have ever encountered in the field, and they may want to use you to represent a "diversity" they are not committed to in any way. You may also interact with people who have a history of being oppressive and crappy to other people you care about.
Always research before committing. Ask those hard questions before, like "what are your policies and actions around outreach and maintaining a diverse and inclusive space?" Be ready for folks to come with a standard form response, and be ready to disengage. You don't ever have to endorse someone you don't believe is someone you would want to be affiliated with.
There are lots of folks who have great intentions and do crappy things along the way. It's up to you if you want to build with them. But what you have learned is that when you can't find the space and folks you wish to have around you, you build your own spaces and organizations.
It's also ok to leave those spaces and organizations you've left when the time has come. Those spaces need to grow and evolve just like you did when you created them. Having you in a leadership position isn't always the best thing for the organization or for you. Other folks will have a vision and the energy to push that space in a direction you may not be able to do or go. That is the gift you give those who come after you: a space to push in a new exciting direction.
Ask those hard questions and push folks who you are committed to building with. When people don't have a solid understanding of gender or are using gender specific language, and you believe this is something that impacts a person because of how they were created and born into this world: speak on it! If it is about cervical cancer, push to make language and spaces inclusive of everyone who was born with a cervix and push that org to do better, learn more, reach more broadly, and be more inclusive.
Do that work if you have the energy. Do the work you are dedicated to. Do not let the work run you over, suck you dry, manipulate you, or cause you continuous pain (because this path is painful at times, until you find your way and hold onto your convictions).
Folks need you to do this because you have the power you have and can use it with versus over other folks.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Monday, September 29, 2014
Lesson 15: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
You know too well how poor folks rarely are ever granted privacy, for this you will honor it with yourself and those with who you interact.
Life Lesson:
You know this from personal experience. How you have to fill out your entire life on papers, give documents, fotos, have someone else stamp that you are who you say you are. Then give all of that to someone in a cubicle where another person in a similar situation is seated next to you doing the same thing to another worker.
You sit there explaining your life and your current experiences in a room full of cubicles to a worker who could help you get some type of healthcare help, food stamps, access to services, food banks, etc. But you always remember it's never private. You are never in a room with a closed door, never given the impression that you life, information, identity, will ever be treated with dignity, respect, or integrity.
That's why you choose to do things differently. That's why you choose to answer asks privately vs. publicly, why you keep your 'anon' feature on even with the hatemail you receive (always via anon), and why you remind folks that if they seem ready to share something and you are in a situation as a "mandated reporter" you stop them and tell them that so they can decide if that's what they want to still do: share with you.
In a world where folks talk a lot about their experiences online, and in the field you are in that is one way folks build networks and credibility to an extent (esp. when you can't get to a school or training or afford those things), you will choose not to always share or overshare. You will hold some things close to you and privately because you know you deserve that for yourself. You will do this with yourself, your community, your support systems; you do this because you find it is a survival skill. It's also a skill that you've evolved into the person you've wanted to be and have the relationships that you value enough to grant them privacy.
That's when you knew the boo was who you needed to be with at this time: you stopped telling folks everything, you held some things just between the two of you, other things you just told the ocean and water, because you wanted to hold them close to you.
You work to honor folks privacy. We rarely receive it especially as folks who are poor, queer, disabled, Black, immigrant, undocumented, non-English speaking, indigenous, young, incarcerated. We deserve privacy. You will work to make sure you can provide that to folks seeking your help, guidance, mentorship, resources, trainings, workshops, and the like.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
You know too well how poor folks rarely are ever granted privacy, for this you will honor it with yourself and those with who you interact.
Life Lesson:
You know this from personal experience. How you have to fill out your entire life on papers, give documents, fotos, have someone else stamp that you are who you say you are. Then give all of that to someone in a cubicle where another person in a similar situation is seated next to you doing the same thing to another worker.
You sit there explaining your life and your current experiences in a room full of cubicles to a worker who could help you get some type of healthcare help, food stamps, access to services, food banks, etc. But you always remember it's never private. You are never in a room with a closed door, never given the impression that you life, information, identity, will ever be treated with dignity, respect, or integrity.
That's why you choose to do things differently. That's why you choose to answer asks privately vs. publicly, why you keep your 'anon' feature on even with the hatemail you receive (always via anon), and why you remind folks that if they seem ready to share something and you are in a situation as a "mandated reporter" you stop them and tell them that so they can decide if that's what they want to still do: share with you.
In a world where folks talk a lot about their experiences online, and in the field you are in that is one way folks build networks and credibility to an extent (esp. when you can't get to a school or training or afford those things), you will choose not to always share or overshare. You will hold some things close to you and privately because you know you deserve that for yourself. You will do this with yourself, your community, your support systems; you do this because you find it is a survival skill. It's also a skill that you've evolved into the person you've wanted to be and have the relationships that you value enough to grant them privacy.
That's when you knew the boo was who you needed to be with at this time: you stopped telling folks everything, you held some things just between the two of you, other things you just told the ocean and water, because you wanted to hold them close to you.
You work to honor folks privacy. We rarely receive it especially as folks who are poor, queer, disabled, Black, immigrant, undocumented, non-English speaking, indigenous, young, incarcerated. We deserve privacy. You will work to make sure you can provide that to folks seeking your help, guidance, mentorship, resources, trainings, workshops, and the like.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Lesson 14: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
The work that brings you the most pride and happiness will not always be shared among others who may consider other work you've accomplished as more important or impressive.
Life Lesson
You'll learn this primarily as you search for full-time work. When folks will ask you to give them examples of managing challenging situations or folks, the examples you will give will not be what they want to hear. For example, at the last full-time gig you had, you shared an accountability and responsibility process of which you are a part; one that was public, that was collective, and that connected to so much of what you value and believe in. You are so proud of that work, even if the outcome with the person held accountable did not happen on their end.
You were told that the process didn't matter, all the research, writing, documenting, conversations, building, negotiating, transparency, holding one another accountable in a loving and compassionate way because you are dealing with ways to deconstruct and destroy elitism, misogyny, and colorism. Instead, they will ask for an example of a challenge you dealt with in a *paid* position.
That's your first red flag. They don't value the work you do, all the work you do, that is unpaid or underpaid. Most of the work you are proud of is unpaid and underpaid.
Another example you'll give is when you created a curriculum for a non-profit you helped co-create with several of your local DMV homegirls of color. You created, at Tamika & Friends, Inc (the only national organization focusing on HPV and cervical cancer prevention and education targeting all genders and providing support to caregivers and survivors to.this.day), a curricula for HPV (House Parties of fiVe) parties. Along with one of your homegirls, you created an amazingly accessible curricula that folks used. It was nothing brand new, we just organized things in a particular way for the communities we are reaching out to at the moment.
That curricula was purchased by Merck Pharmaceuticals and used as examples of how to reach out to and engage communities of which you are a part. You learned through this experience that your work is sometimes best when it supports the community. You learned you don't need your name all over everything, you don't need to always get all the shine you think you deserve, that a lot of your work will benefit larger communities and that is enough.
Yet, other folks will be so impressed with this! And it will surprise you at first, but you'll learn it's what folks want to hear because they define success in ways you don't always. That's ok.
It's ok because you know that the work that brings you the most pride: the 20+ year mentorship you have with Candy, a young woman you met when she was in 1st grade and you in 10th; the accountability processes you've been a part of, the organizations you've co-created: Women of Color Sexual Health Network, The LatiNegr@s Project, your presenting at the World Association of Sexual Health (originally called Sexology) in Havanac, Cuba, presenting in English and Spanish about your personal research and work on Latinxs and pregnancy prevention in the US in 2003; all the students you've impacted just by being on staff/faculty, but by also seeing them as public intellectuals who need support and are hungry for learning more; all the young people, people of Color, queer folks who find confidence and care in reaching out to you to help them cope and understand aspects of their sex/uality, bodies, health, and relationships.
So what you learn instead, is how to convey the stories folks want to hear more than any other when asked. You keep those other stories at the front of your mind because those are what drives you on a regular basis. Those are what is most important to you. And that's when you begin to realize working on your own terms is probably best.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
The work that brings you the most pride and happiness will not always be shared among others who may consider other work you've accomplished as more important or impressive.
Life Lesson
You'll learn this primarily as you search for full-time work. When folks will ask you to give them examples of managing challenging situations or folks, the examples you will give will not be what they want to hear. For example, at the last full-time gig you had, you shared an accountability and responsibility process of which you are a part; one that was public, that was collective, and that connected to so much of what you value and believe in. You are so proud of that work, even if the outcome with the person held accountable did not happen on their end.
You were told that the process didn't matter, all the research, writing, documenting, conversations, building, negotiating, transparency, holding one another accountable in a loving and compassionate way because you are dealing with ways to deconstruct and destroy elitism, misogyny, and colorism. Instead, they will ask for an example of a challenge you dealt with in a *paid* position.
That's your first red flag. They don't value the work you do, all the work you do, that is unpaid or underpaid. Most of the work you are proud of is unpaid and underpaid.
Another example you'll give is when you created a curriculum for a non-profit you helped co-create with several of your local DMV homegirls of color. You created, at Tamika & Friends, Inc (the only national organization focusing on HPV and cervical cancer prevention and education targeting all genders and providing support to caregivers and survivors to.this.day), a curricula for HPV (House Parties of fiVe) parties. Along with one of your homegirls, you created an amazingly accessible curricula that folks used. It was nothing brand new, we just organized things in a particular way for the communities we are reaching out to at the moment.
That curricula was purchased by Merck Pharmaceuticals and used as examples of how to reach out to and engage communities of which you are a part. You learned through this experience that your work is sometimes best when it supports the community. You learned you don't need your name all over everything, you don't need to always get all the shine you think you deserve, that a lot of your work will benefit larger communities and that is enough.
Yet, other folks will be so impressed with this! And it will surprise you at first, but you'll learn it's what folks want to hear because they define success in ways you don't always. That's ok.
It's ok because you know that the work that brings you the most pride: the 20+ year mentorship you have with Candy, a young woman you met when she was in 1st grade and you in 10th; the accountability processes you've been a part of, the organizations you've co-created: Women of Color Sexual Health Network, The LatiNegr@s Project, your presenting at the World Association of Sexual Health (originally called Sexology) in Havanac, Cuba, presenting in English and Spanish about your personal research and work on Latinxs and pregnancy prevention in the US in 2003; all the students you've impacted just by being on staff/faculty, but by also seeing them as public intellectuals who need support and are hungry for learning more; all the young people, people of Color, queer folks who find confidence and care in reaching out to you to help them cope and understand aspects of their sex/uality, bodies, health, and relationships.
So what you learn instead, is how to convey the stories folks want to hear more than any other when asked. You keep those other stories at the front of your mind because those are what drives you on a regular basis. Those are what is most important to you. And that's when you begin to realize working on your own terms is probably best.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Lesson 13: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
You will not always tell folks you are a sexologist because you don't always want to work when you are out with your homies, or at a party.
Life Lesson:
Because once folks find out what you do all the questions roll in. You won't ever be able to have a "break" from your work and have some fun. You will constantly be "on" answering questions, correcting information, debunking myths, and challenging folks to push beyond binaries.
You get to chose when to do this. Sometimes it will be clear when you want to take a break versus when you want to work. You deserve a break. You deserve to not always work, for free at that! Folks at parties think this type of talk is fun, but for you it's your life's work. It's fun, sure, but sometimes you want to sit back and talk about something else!
Other times you may just sit quietly while others discuss sex/uality topics. This may be difficult if you hear misinformation. Eventually, your homies and support systems will recognize when you need a break, they will help protect and shield you from nonsense coming your way. They will understand why you may choose to be silent during such topics and conversations. Other times you'll have to remind them in case they forget. It's not personal, they are proud of you and want to brag about you to show their love and adoration for the work you do. Recognize that and hold onto it when you have the ability to.
Sometimes, being silent will work to your advantage because if you do choose to engage, folks will listen more intently. You will rock folks world when you share the knowledge you have. When you choose to of course. You will also learn a lot by listening to what others have to say. This is always important.
You decide what and how much you wish to share with folks. As a LatiNegra sharing personal experiences and realities give a different layer and complexity to your work. But it is also exhausting, revealing, and you deserve privacy and safety.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
You will not always tell folks you are a sexologist because you don't always want to work when you are out with your homies, or at a party.
Life Lesson:
Because once folks find out what you do all the questions roll in. You won't ever be able to have a "break" from your work and have some fun. You will constantly be "on" answering questions, correcting information, debunking myths, and challenging folks to push beyond binaries.
You get to chose when to do this. Sometimes it will be clear when you want to take a break versus when you want to work. You deserve a break. You deserve to not always work, for free at that! Folks at parties think this type of talk is fun, but for you it's your life's work. It's fun, sure, but sometimes you want to sit back and talk about something else!
Other times you may just sit quietly while others discuss sex/uality topics. This may be difficult if you hear misinformation. Eventually, your homies and support systems will recognize when you need a break, they will help protect and shield you from nonsense coming your way. They will understand why you may choose to be silent during such topics and conversations. Other times you'll have to remind them in case they forget. It's not personal, they are proud of you and want to brag about you to show their love and adoration for the work you do. Recognize that and hold onto it when you have the ability to.
Sometimes, being silent will work to your advantage because if you do choose to engage, folks will listen more intently. You will rock folks world when you share the knowledge you have. When you choose to of course. You will also learn a lot by listening to what others have to say. This is always important.
You decide what and how much you wish to share with folks. As a LatiNegra sharing personal experiences and realities give a different layer and complexity to your work. But it is also exhausting, revealing, and you deserve privacy and safety.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
Friday, September 26, 2014
Lesson 12: Lessons Learned as a LatiNegra Sexologist
Lesson:
You have the capacity to see how sex/uality intersections with many different life experiences, theories, and systems.
Life Lesson:
Not many folks have this gift. Others have similar gifts around other things like music, technology, color, energy, and the like. Yours is centered around recognizing this connection in sex/uality. It will impact the book clubs you join and the selections you suggest (Push by Sapphire; Quiet Violence of Dreams by Sello Duiker; No Mercy: Short Stories by Pat Califia), so much that you build your own "Sexy Bookclub" to read erotica and stories with a sex/uality theme. And folks will love it and miss it when you leave for NYC.
This gift is one that you will sometimes find exhausting. Why won't your brain stop making those connections? Why does it feel automatic at times? When will you ever rest? But you will learn how to rest while making these connections. It won't be a burden when you realize how it works in your favor and is not a distraction.
Recognizing this as a gift is one of the essential parts of maintaining this gift. Sure, it sounds fantastic to say the universe chose you for this gift, and it may be true. What is also true is that you are the one who knows how to nurture and maintain the gift. You are invested in this gift even when you are exhausted by having it.
This is why folks will ask for your opinion. This is why they will include you, seek you out, choose you to build a project or film or organization with: because of your gift. You won't ever realize it until one day your roommate says it as a compliment and your life will gain a bit more clarity when you recognize and embrace.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
You have the capacity to see how sex/uality intersections with many different life experiences, theories, and systems.
Life Lesson:
Not many folks have this gift. Others have similar gifts around other things like music, technology, color, energy, and the like. Yours is centered around recognizing this connection in sex/uality. It will impact the book clubs you join and the selections you suggest (Push by Sapphire; Quiet Violence of Dreams by Sello Duiker; No Mercy: Short Stories by Pat Califia), so much that you build your own "Sexy Bookclub" to read erotica and stories with a sex/uality theme. And folks will love it and miss it when you leave for NYC.
This gift is one that you will sometimes find exhausting. Why won't your brain stop making those connections? Why does it feel automatic at times? When will you ever rest? But you will learn how to rest while making these connections. It won't be a burden when you realize how it works in your favor and is not a distraction.
Recognizing this as a gift is one of the essential parts of maintaining this gift. Sure, it sounds fantastic to say the universe chose you for this gift, and it may be true. What is also true is that you are the one who knows how to nurture and maintain the gift. You are invested in this gift even when you are exhausted by having it.
This is why folks will ask for your opinion. This is why they will include you, seek you out, choose you to build a project or film or organization with: because of your gift. You won't ever realize it until one day your roommate says it as a compliment and your life will gain a bit more clarity when you recognize and embrace.
For inquiries or to hire bi visit her site or email bianca@biancalaureano.com
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